Me and my love in a former life

 

Rant about local high school SDA

 When my children got to be high school age, we were not given a choice where to attend high school. Their programs were at certain locations, so that’s where we went. Many years ago, when my kids were young, I dreamed of giving them a Catholic school education and sending them to Cathedral Catholic high school. I really wanted that. Or at least, I thought I did. Over the years my children were diagnosed with Autism and we realized that a public school education was what was in the cards for us. They had no special needs services at Catholic school. It was a huge disappointment. But once we settled into public school, I started feeling freer in a way. My children got into the special education program and we found our niche. I found a social network and support group amongst the other moms of children with special needs. We don’t socialize much with general Ed families though, as they don’t “get” my situation or have the right amount of understanding and empathy for me. When my daughter Sophia was sent to the Seaside program at SDA it was a hard pill to swallow.  She is in an isolated classroom with kids who have emotional issues or a tough home life, for the majority of the day. It was offensive to me and her father, when she was targeted to go into this program and I think she has the most idyllic home life of all the kids in her class. There isn’t enough inclusion with the general Ed at SDA high school.  It’s disappointing. I wonder if they are trying to protect the general Ed kids from our emotionally challenged kids or are they protecting our kids from general Ed bullies, who target the different or the weak? I think it may be a bit of both. The general Ed kids at SDA, by and large, seem ok and they are definitely the same vibe as my daughter. They are an eclectic, inclusive group. Many kids look artsy. Many are LGBTQ. Many shop at the same store even. (Hot Topic)

The parents are a completely different vibe though. I have detested many of them from the start. You get nosy PTA mom vibes from the moms. If you don’t volunteer on campus, they want nothing to do with you. They wonder about you and gossip about you, trying to figure you out. If you are a single mom, they will be threatened by you and hold their husband a little tighter around you. You will be snubbed for sure. I was looking at them and their husbands like, lady, your husbands hair is completely grey! How old are we? I’m certainly not trying to steal your old fart husband, but you can continue to be threatened by me. It’s a compliment and a testament to my enduring hotness actually.

The other issue with SDA parents is them acting so pretentious like they are so wealthy and like SDA is an exclusive private school. I’m like lady, SDA is a public school! It’s actually free to attend this school. If you really wanted to pop your collar and surround yourself with wealthy people, you would put your child in a tuition-driven private school like Cathedral Catholic perhaps? If they attended SDA themselves, you will really hear the parents bragging about it. “You don’t say, your grandpappy went to this school too? Your child is from a long line of SDA graduates? So you’re child’s a legacy? Well good for you and your bloodline!”

Not to say there aren’t pretentious people who go to LCC high school. By and large that’s a wealthier area. We didn’t choose to go there either. My other children were sent there. I will say that there is more inclusion at LCC for my kids and most of my Sped mom friends are there at LCC. I want my daughter at SDA to be more included and to make friends. I don’t know if it will happen with the general kids who mill about freely, even though many appear to have very similar issues as my daughter. Sometimes I can’t tell the difference between a Seaside kid and a regular general Ed kid at SDA. Who decides who goes where? I do see general Ed kids milling about freely who may have emotional issues or be on the Autism spectrum. I also know that volunteering on campus at SDA wouldn’t help me necessarily buddy up with general Ed families. I can’t deal with the general Ed moms at SDA. I feel like I hate them. When they speak, it’s like nails on a chalkboard, like shut up already about everyone you know. There may be a tight knit community at SDA but most of those people are assholes. They seem to enjoy each others company though. Kids decide for themselves who they want to be friends with anyway. These are the types of parents who would try to force their kids to be friends with certain kids, but that usually doesn’t fly, by the time kids get into high school. Kids will decide for themselves who to include or exclude. The parents I keep noticing are so snooty, I wouldn’t want my daughter to be hanging out with their snooty kids anyway. If my daughter did make a good friend, I would definitely try to work with the parents. Until then, I am very happy to keep me and my daughter away from said parents/families, as I am sure,  the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. I want my daughter hanging out with other sweet, empathetic kids, like herself.

 Considering the general Ed kids seem so down to earth, I really wonder why the SDA parents seem so detestable to me. I might have a slight inferiority complex, as I just don’t understand the segregation here! Like, thank you so much for allowing my child with mental health challenges, to be on the same campus as these other perfect, not at all challenged kids! (Sarcasm) There are many layers to my frustrations about SDA. I might appear be dealing more with my own disappointment, frustration and resentment, but I definitely feel frustrated and sad for my daughter too. It’s not a perfect school or situation indeed.

Feeling creeped out!

“Where am I? Stepford?” The other day, I was shopping for a necklace to wear to my cousins wedding so I decided to shop for one at Anthropolgie. I don’t normally shop there as it is pretty pricey but I felt that my cousins wedding was a special occasion that I wanted to dress up for. Unfortunately The Forum shopping center near me and definitely Anthropologie attract a more affluent snooty crowd that I don’t normally surround myself around. But the other day, I wondered if I had mistakenly taken a wrong turn into Stepford. I mean, me and my friends have joked that the stereotypical Encinitas mom is skinny, blonde, and wearing a (beachy vibe) trucker hat. It’s just that in San Diego, blondes are a dime a dozen. If you are not a natural blonde, you’re trying to be. But the wealthy snooty almost evil vibes coming off the other women I encountered at Anthrologie was insane! I felt like Susan Sarandon shopping at the grocery store in the Witches of Eastwick and everyone was just staring at her and gossiping about her , as she walked by. It was so small town! Like what’s with the dirty looks women? What is your problem? It’s giving, San Diego is so prejudiced! Are you looking me up and down because you wish you had curly hair or because I am not giving “Stepford wife” in my look and style?  Get over yourself, ladies! Don’t try and stare at me as if  I don’t belong and quit looking me up and down! Sheesh! Haters! I do feel like a dark and ethically different looking woman here in San Diego. I’m not sure where I fit in but I am certainly not interested in conversating with any of those rich bitches. Being a nice person is very high on my list for a friend requirement. I absolutely refuse to be befriend the blonde, rich, probably MAGA Stepford wives who are in abundance at Anthropologie and Thh Forum Shopping Center near me.

Angry Incels at UC Santa Barbara in the Mid-Late 90’s

 I would never send my child (male or female) to UC Santa Barbara, where I went to college. If I could go back in time,  I would have gone to UC Santa Cruz (if I were brave enough) or to LMU where I was accepted, and just live at home. I felt safe at home, personally. I had a lock on my bedroom door and no one bothered me. Ahh! A room to myself and a lot of privacy. Sharing a room with a stranger in college was challenging for me. I was always paired up with someone super different than me and they were usually super spoiled. I was probably spoiled too but I wasn’t snooty or entitled or bossy ever, I think. Anyway after living in the Francisco Torres dorms, for my freshman year, I had already gone through two roommates. Neither of these girls did I leave liking or wanting to keep in touch with. It was definitely good riddance to them!  Then I met a pretty cool girl. She was popular and all the guys definitely liked her. She seemed to know everyone and know where all the good parties were. She was nice enough to me, so I followed her into Isla Vista. We moved to a super cool apartment right in the funnest part of Del Playa. Our downstairs neighbors were cute too and they were musicians. That was definitely the best year for me and I kept hoping something would happen with one of our downstairs neighbors or one of their friends. Nothing ever happened. I was disappointed that all the dudes there seemed to be in cahoots with each other. None of them wanted any kind of commitment or monogamy. I should have joined an intramural or another activity because no men really sought me out for friendship, that I was attracted to. They spent all day doing their thing or spending time with their “boys.” I wondered if they were even seeking women? I know they said the same thing about me. I wasn’t sleeping around and came off a bit angry so they thought that I must be gay. I was good for nothing. I definitely had a problem with the lack of security in every apartment that I lived in there. No one had locks on their bedroom doors, which I thought was crazy and definitely a bad idea. You have all these guys walking around putting in zero effort into getting to know you or develop any type of relationship in the daylight hours. Then after dark,and maybe a few beers, they would just jam outside with their band to attract a potential partner for the night? I know they would be offended at the implication that they were just playing music to attract women. “What? We are musicians! We just enjoy playing music, ok?” Well I guess that year (my sophomore year) was pretty much a blur, but some weird shit starting happening that scared me. I thought the guys downstairs were eavesdropping on our conversations. I was definitely paranoid and believe that random and unwelcome dudes came into my room while I was asleep. I did put a lock on my bedroom door, as well as replace the front door lock which was rendered useless one weekend, by someone trying to break in! Scary! So, for my third year of college, I moved off Del Playa with a new, more studious group of kids. I had my own room. I felt safe, at first, although this group of roommates were a little dull. I was naive to move into a house with boys, in addition to some girls I knew. Living in a house with boys is a terrible idea. One guy really liked me and started pursuing me and I wasn’t interested. I put a lock on my bedroom door because I thought that a guy was coming in and messing with me. Not sexually but he was pushing my head into the wall. When I locked my door someone would bang on my door while I was sleeping or maybe I imagined that? I guess now that I know what the term “incel” is, my housemate Joe was definitely that. He couldn’t accept that I didn’t like him like that. He got angry. Then this other new guy moved in and I hooked up with him when I was drunk one night early on. The dorks that I was living with, couldn’t believe it! That gossip spread so far, because I never usually did that. Some hater chick who was obviously in competition with me, told everyone! That’s not the worst of it. I was able to avoid the housemate that I hooked up with because I realized he was a pig and had a different girl every night practically so he was busy. But my total loser housemate Joe, got all pissed that I wasn’t attracted to him or whatever. He was trying to work the friendship angle, but I shouldn’t have fallen for it, because he started pressuring me more towards the end of the year. The night before school ended, I was drunk and kissed him. By the time we got back to the house I sobered up enough to tell him that I just wanted to be left alone and go to bed by myself. I knew that my parents were coming the next day to move me out. I had stupidly removed the lock from my door earlier that day, so Joe was able to get in and pull me into his room. It was horrible and awkward. I could’ve called the cops, but the acquaintance rape part of it threw me off. My other roommates had no sympathy at all! I should’ve found new roommates that summer and gotten the hell away from those hater chicks anyway. My point is, I still don’t understand why everyone is so “hang loose” and no one ever locks their doors, as if you can trust the dudes there?! Girls are so naive and the peer pressure to go along with whatever dumb idea your group of friends (usually female friends) have is crazy. I knew better, but I was trying to go along and fit in with whatever group of stupid girls I was dealing with! I definitely partied too hard for my own good, while in college. I know why I didn’t get the results that I wanted in college. I overdid the partying and put myself in dangerous situations. I had to protect myself, because no one was looking out for me and alcohol/weed blinded me, so I couldn’t really see what was happening. And I wonder why I didn’t find my husband in college, like my cousin did! It’s as much my fault, as it was any potential suitors that I may have had in Isla Vista. But I still dream about that one drummer/musician guy on Del Playa! He is definitely the best and dreamiest guy I ever met! I knew that he was perfect husband material back then and he is still the one who got away from me!!

A recommendation from my psychiatrist

So when I visited my psychiatrist this week, she recommended that I begin box breathing exercises for coping with stress, creating calm, and improving my focus. Tonight I actually followed the directions and did it correctly. It sounds so simple but I think I forgot to hold my breath last night, which is an important step! Doh! Anyway this inhaling for 4 seconds, holding my breath for four seconds, and exhaling for four seconds takes me back to my younger years. This is basically the same breathing pattern for smoking marijuana, just without the marijuana. It’s just like riding a bike. I have not forgotten how to do this! It’s all coming back to me! Maybe I never needed the marijuana anyhow. I just needed some relaxation breath work to reduce my anxiety? Anyway I am feeling relaxed now and I’m going to continue doing this daily. Hopefully this helps!

 

You will be so happy to hear this! (Maeve)

 I was talked into taking a new medication to help me relax called Buspar. I have been taking it for about a month. It has helped me relax a bit but I do think it has contributed to my 5 pound weight gain. I don’t need help gaining weight at 49 years old, perimenopausal, and on an antipsychotic. I am at a stage in my life where I am dealing with childhood issues and finally settling boundaries with my family. They don’t like my new self assertiveness and they say they don’t know where this is all coming from. I am getting pushback and they are telling me to up my meds. I complied because I see things around me and patterns in relationships that I want to change. Even with this medication, I still see things that I am unhappy with. I just hopefully will not overreact to all this in any way. 

So one thing I have felt since I moved down here  to San Diego was crazy extreme fat phobia. Beach people are the worst about this issue. There used to be this awful bumper sticker from the 1970’s that many in California coastal communities had on their bumper which said ”No Fat Chicks.” Awful and who would want to get in your beat up van anyway, you broke couch surfer? So I was reminded of that today when I took my daughter to Chipotle in La Costa. I was reminded just the other day by my brother of my prominent double chin. I would have to lose at least 20-30 pounds to get rid of it and it’s been so challenging for me. Sometimes I still feel attractive at 49 and I think men are looking at me while I am driving. Now they obviously can’t see my whole body and they also may not notice my double chin while driving by. But today in Chipotle some guy noticed and he pointed it out like some fat phobic immature bully who was trying to make me feel self conscious. We were in Chipotle and probably the only non high school students in there. I saw that he looked about 30ish but he was trying to look and dress young, as if he was about to go skateboarding. When I looked at him in line he must have noticed me looking at him and thought I was rude? I have never seen an adult man looking so offended because I looked him up and down. Maybe he thought it was rude and he was trying to say, “hey lady you are too old and too fat for me.” If that’s all it was, fine. I may sound like a bitter, rejected woman because he was so obviously not interested. But with him trying to dress so young and going to the Chipotle by LCC high school right when the students get out of school, he could be a pedo. He definitely was dressing younger than his age and I could tell he obviously wasn’t a student. But his vibe was so mean that I got a little scared. Like, how thin and young are you looking for, bro? Also, why are you still lurking here? You’re done ordering. Just take your food and go! Crazy bad vibes from him and I hope that I never see him at Chipotle again. I also hope that he can control his weirdness and any pedo tendencies he may have! Bad energy, be gone!

Well here you go!

 Someone finally appreciates my hilarious TikToks!