Womens insecurities and male plastic surgeons

 When people complain about women relying on plastic surgery to boost their self esteem and attract men, I get defensive. Yes women’s (my) vanity is an issue. But a bigger piece of the puzzle is  the fact that we so greatly seek male validation and attracting the male gaze. I admit it. I love when random men look at me and I get the impression that they are attracted to me. Around here, it doesn’t always get you far. We have extremely long stop lights and men spend their time frequently “female watching.” I get more flattered by men that I am actually attracted to. But the majority of men are just looking and probably have wives or live in girlfriends at least. 

There have been times in my life that I focused on a flaw in my appearance and chalked it up as the reason why I was single or not hooked up with someone who I was super attracted to. Anyway growing up in LA, California and now San Diego, California, I have always felt the competition here is stiff. People use plastic surgery to even the playing field and to reduce their own insecurities. I have used it. My mistake has been in trusting men simply because they were a doctor. A lot of plastic surgeons are just grifters. The doctor that I went to get a tummy tuck from pointed out new flaws that I didn’t even think of and talked me into a bunch of other things I wouldn’t have otherwise done. Why did I listen to his unsolicited opinion? Because he was a doctor, a male doctor and there is the grift! Doctors will point out flaws that you didn’t even think of and talk you into things under the guise of he’s trying to help you. He also told me that my breasts were too small and he ended up shoving some fat into them during the liposuction process. I didn’t give him permission to do that and then he tagged it  onto my bill, after the fact. Oh well! At least my breasts look good (for now!) But it seems like plastic surgeons always help you, possibly, with one thing,, and then completely screw something else up! Then you have to go and get that fixed! That’s why you can never really win with plastic surgery. The plastic surgery industry is rigged! You will probably never be satisfied with work done . Anyway, knowing that, has steered me away from plastic surgery addiction. I am 481/2 years old and although I have done some things in regards to plastic surgery, I have never done any Botox/ fillers and I actually think that I am done with all that. I would love for people to say that I aged gracefully. I am not 100% sure that is in the cards but “knock on wood”that I don’t cave in or ever seriously need a face lift! 

Oh, my original point was don’t blame women for their plastic surgery addiction, as if it was not caused by some unreal misogynistic female ideal that we are not supposed to age or god forbid gain weight. Don’t give me that women just have body dysmorphia. Behind every botched/overdone woman, there is a trusted male plastic surgeon telling them that they look great and to keep coming back for more work!

Love is truly blind!

Talk about a relationship that was doomed from the start! This is a funny sketch where both characters on the date seem oddly familiar . I love it when people fly under the radar in terms of mental health, never get the professional help that they need, and force everyone to deal with their undiagnosed insanity. There probably is a pill out there that would help Meegan but the next hurdle is getting her to admit that there is a problem and to take the pill that she needs. Also I do not how her date Andre can be so dumb as to not see the red flags waving all around Meegan. 

You will notice that the female is the crazy one in this sketch, but men are definitely no better in showing respect and patience to their waitpersons. Men can ruin your dining experience in a heartbeat with their rudeness, their high expectations, and their infantile reactions to the natural delays and mishaps that can occur while dining out.

Ok back to Meegan. I leave you with this question: Do you think that Meegan could benefit from an antipsychotic?

I was today years old…

 I was today years old when I first heard this fantastic song. My new anthem! Thank you to Harry Belafonte for writing this and to the Geateful Dead for turning me onto it!

I am on Reddit

 Ok so I am on Reddit now anonymously (Flashback Daydream) which is definitely the way to go. You have every kind of anonymous asshole on Reddit. I joined a N County San Diego group to see what is happening locally and it confirmed what I have believed all along. I have lived here since I graduated college around 1999. I still feel like a tourist. People think I look like one too. It is a literal desert for diversity here. So some of the answers to this particular redditors question were pretty rude. They replied that homosexuality is not something to be proud of, so you don’t see too many outwardly gay people around here. Someone else said you don’t need to find a gay friendly space for your wife, you need to find a divorce attorney. Anyway,  it was my mothers idea to vacate Los Angeles for San Diego. I was unemployed, so she convinced me to move with her and my Dad. She said no one will rent to you with out a steady paycheck. Her and my father owned apartment buildings up there but living in one of their units was not an option, I guess. My mother thought San Diego was beautiful and her side of the family had already moved down here. I just always considered it white flight, in a way. Who are we trying to get away from and are the people in San Diego any better or nicer.? I met alot of blonde, white people down here. Many had all kinds of addiction problems and they definitely thought they were better than me, a dark haired curly Italian looking gal. I felt like the darkest person down here for a long time! A second class citizen, for sure! But I was looking around at the beach crowd like, ok girl between your hair bleach, your flat iron, and possibly from surfing, your hair is fried to a crisp! At least my hair looks healthy and I was very resistant to do what all those other girls did to look so beachy and California. I met a ton of girls with every kind of eating disorder but growing up in California, that was not new. I do feel that N County San Diego is a desert for minorities and people with alternative lifestyles. Who wants to stand out here? Conformity is the norm. I have made friends with other people in a similar space as me, over the years. A support system of nice people but I don’t know if I will ever feel completely at home here. I have known for years that my children are unique. They are all on the autism spectrum and super sweet. I do think they may all be LGBTQ+ or open minded about the issue, so I don’t know if this environment is the best for them. I said it before and I will say it again. I should have moved to Santa Cruz a long time ago.

My nemesis and the bane of my existence

 If I had waited a bit longer for my male college comrades to get out of school, grow the hell up, and be ready to commit, this would have never happened. I wanted to get married and have children. I was led to believe that I would decrease my risk of having a child with birth defects and have more children if I married younger. It was a foolish decision. Was I the one who wanted a ton of children or did my mother want a ton of grand babies? Yes I used the term grand babies because my mother was less interested in growing children and teenagers.  Her parenting was minimal as I grew. We didn’t discuss much and she definitely didn’t guide me through a safe and responsible teenage phase of life. She was less hands on as my children outgrew their infancy too. Some help she turned out to be! She promised she would always be there to help me with my children. It’s takes a village and all that mumbo jumbo that my children never ended up having. 

Anywho, I feel like Maeve is totally convinced that she  and Trey are soulmates. I believe it was more about her Type A competitive sorority girl instincts than anything. She put in a lot of work to land Trey. Dressing to the nines, flirting, and  enthusiastically initiating sex. She and her dorky East Coast friends were enamored with Trey,  this cool California blonde surfer/musician/aspiring doctor. For people from Pennsylvania, he definitely wouldn’t make it out of med school single. In California , surfers come a dime a dozen. The coolest surfers just do it and don’t spend every second advertising that they surf though. The competition is stiff for surfers in California. If you aren’t a California native and a surfer for real, normally you can forget about breaking into that world and landing a surfer. I hate watching this farm girl from New York fake it. Just dye your hair blonde, move to California, and learn to surf. She really should just give up the surf lifestyle pose. I really want to strangle her at this point. lol But why the hell was Trey frequenting undergraduate sorority parties, while he was in med school and having graduated college long before?. I feel like it was a revenge tactic to bother me. He knew I always despised sorority bitches/hoes and yes, of course, he was trying to get laid while in Pennsylvania. Whatever Maeve thinks, she lucked out completely. She is the lucky one totally and moving to California was a great move. Her hometown and college town totally suck! Well, at least I don’t have to kiss my husband’s ass daily. This bitch is on the hamster wheel of life, she is sweating that her man doesn’t even look at another woman, much less leave her in the dust. Not that he hasn’t thought about it!

Possible hallucination

 I told Stephen that I just saw Mark Mothersbaugh driving up La Costa in a tiny car that said “Devo” on it and had musical notes everywhere. I think he is worried that my medication isn’t working anymore.

Esteban: What the hell kind of hallucination is that? I am both shocked and disappointed in your nerdyness! Be forewarned!

My high school reunion

 My 30 year high school reunion is coming up on Saturday October 21st. I am hesitant to go. I never really fit in at my high school. I basically never went to any parties in high school. I was asked by two different guys to my senior prom but I turned them down. I didn’t want to go with either of them because I really didn’t know them nor was I attracted to them. I was previously talked into going to a prom at a different school with a guy that I was not attracted to and it was such a drag. Towards the end of the night, he started hitting on me and I wasn’t having it. Then he started pouting and I eventually asked him to take me home. I knew the drill by the time it came to my own senior prom. I was not going to go with a guy who I wasn’t attracted to. One of the guys who asked me to the prom has already RSVPd to my high school reunion. He responded that he and his wife will be there. He is happily married I am sure and good for him. He was a nice guy. He deserves happiness. My joke is: if all of the chubby guys who I rejected in high school and college,, could see me and who I ended up with now, they would definitely have the last laugh. Chubby guys who I was not attracted too, have always been attracted to me and they will shoot their shot. I guess I look approachable and I am usually single so it is assumed that I would be open to them. Little do they know that I am very picky and Iprefer skinny blonde guys. I am born and bred in California and have always lived very close to the beach. I prefer blondes, to be honest. I am single because I am picky and so be it. I would rather be single than be forced into obligatory sex with someone that I am not attracted to. 

So I am ambivalent about whether to go to my high school reunion. I feel like I would have to have an awkward conversation with the guy who I turned down for the prom because I don’t think he ended up going either. I would probably end up apologizing or something. I don’t have anything to brag about, in terms of career or relationship, so it’s a little embarrassing. Isn’t that what goes on at a high school reunion? I only kept in touch with a handful of people from high school, through Facebook. I do not want to speak to most of the people who have RSVPd, including the woman who organized the reunion. I am divorced technically. I am living with schizoaffective disorder. I am just doing the best I can, with the cards I was dealt. I would never take Stephen with me to my high school reunion because A. He is a hermit and would rather stay home. B. He has a bad attitude and I do not enjoy his company  C. I continue to be frustrated with his obesity. When I met Stephen, he was thin. He was fresh out of Jenny Craig. He would jog regularly . He made an effort to keep his weight down. I was the chubby one due  to beginning my antipsychotic use. Something about my weight made him feel comfortable. He basically let himself go, as soon as we got engaged and he locked me in. It’s crazy. After we married, I began having children and gaining more weight. He was thrilled and he ate whatever he wanted. This was beyond sympathy weight. He threw in the towel and I realized that he hated exercising. He never snapped into trying to stay fit to remain attractive to me. He could care less.  I still resent him for that. A woman I know was told by her relatives, “Now if you were thin when you were single, you would have attracted a thin husband!” I always think about that in reflection. As of late, Stephen has lost weight. After being diagnosed with Diabetes, his fear of death triggered a complete lifestyle change. He is very careful what he eats. He takes his medication. He checks his blood sugar. I am aware, that he would never have lost weight, if it weren’t for his diabetes diagnosis. He definitely would never have done it for my sake or to keep the passion alive. FYI there never was passion to begin with. I think certain people want to see me at the high school reunion just to gloat about their life ,that they are going to portray as being perfect. They would eat up all the honest details of my imperfect reality.  For the girl who thought she was too good for chubby guys, look at me now! Karma’s a bitch!