New Year’s Eve

Seriously don’t give up!! I resolve to keep fighting in 2021. (Fighting with myself maybe, but fighting)  Happy New Year to you! 

I saw you

I daydream of you all the time 

But we never speak

I don’t know if our paths will ever cross 

Or if it is really you that I am seeing 

From the pictures plastered all over social media 

You are madly & deeply in love

I may never know what that feels like

I don’t know what it feels like to share a passionate 

kiss 

In a hot tub 

With a view of the mountains 

In the background 

All I know is this

I need to stay away from Facebook and Instagram 

Where  your relationship with her 

Will forever be most people’s “relationship goals.”

People watching

Walking alone 

On this cold day 

Mind all askew,

I watch the

comings and

goings of folks

whose thoughts

are their own and

I secretly envy them 

Those were the days...

 

Time traveler

I wanted to tell you a time traveler joke, but you didn’t like it.

Ick!

 

Sad to see you go

 

That awesome moment: A poem

I have been misled and disappointed 

By my thoughts and visions

So many times

I don’t ever get my hopes up

For that awesome moment to materialize 

Christmas is over

So one of my idiot neighbors got a drone for Christmas and was flying it over my residence today. I live in a detached condo built in 1979. At the time, they thought skylights would be a nice feature to the condo. We have a skylight in our family room, in our kitchen, even in our bathroom. Earlier today I walked outside and saw our neighbors drone flying over our house. I thought I saw it tonight as I looked up at the sky from the bathtub. I saw red lights flashing like someone was peeping on me and perhaps taking my picture. I should call the cops. I live in a subdivision where all the houses have similar features. This idiot knows we have skylights because he probably does too. What a ass! Talk about the neighbor from hell! Stalker. I don’t think that I am just being paranoid. Unfortunately this condo is so old and outdated, built before everyone had a drone to spy on each other. People are just abusing this whole drone thing.

Dreamy

Young love 💕 

 

Merry Christmas! 🎄

 

Oh no!

Hayley: Now you’ve done it! You’ve been cached and uploaded to our Google search! We will sue you for slander! We are not hexing you, so be forewarned! Trey Sanders is not interested in a physical relationship with you, so be forewarned! It is 1:36 in the morning, quit Googling Trey Sanders!

*from here on out, I will be using fictional names to describe these individuals who I am entangled with. I really do not want to get in trouble, when I am the victim here!

Someone just searched for my blog with the keywords: hearing voices disturbing marriages. I am not trying to do that really. I started this blog to document my voices and the story that they were telling. I apologize for any damage done and will continue blogging using fictional names.

Apparently there is a professional football player with the same name as a fictional character in my book. This story is not about him.

Winter Solstice

 

It's a Christmas miracle!

 Someone purchased my book tonight!! Yah!!

Syd!

Wow Syd was so good looking and Roger was so polite when Dick Clark criticized the food in England. 😂 

Dreamer (A poem)

I was always a dreamer,

More concerned by

What I thought I saw

Than what I saw

Merry Christmas

 This was a cool movie.

Christmas: A poem

Christmas can be

A stressful time,

But …

No actually that’s it.

Thursday morning menace

Federica: This is Federica. My third eye tells me that you are fat! I can see you! You are not good enough for Keith Spellman! Why would he leave a fit and beautiful woman for a fat, old, ugly woman? I will never understand! No one understands.

I thought I would hear Federrica’s voice less because I found out that she moved back to Venezuela. No such luck! I made the mistake of visiting her social media. Big mistake because it must have triggered my voices. From my online research of her Instagram, I gather that she really is a witch. Both her Instagram and Pinterest pages discuss magic. I hope and pray that she doesn’t really know how to practice harmful magic and this is all a misunderstanding but I don’t think so. I don’t know how you do the voodoo that you do, as Federica would say. I am just mystified!

Monday meme

 

Dating wisdom from The Captain

 

Reading the entertainment news tonight

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.eonline.com/amp/news/1218346/larsa-pippen-and-malik-beasley-get-flirty-on-instagram-amid-his-divorce-from-montana-yao

Leigh: Hey...Larsa! That is what you are doing. You are moving in on My husband! I hate her so much, so be forewarned! I will never stop hexing you, as long as, you are messing around with my man! Fuck her for moving in on my man! Home wrecker! You are Larsa Pippen, in this scenario. You have been setting the stage for an affair and painting me as the villain in your writing. Do you think that you the only one who can write?  I can write a story about you too and your home wrecking ways, so be forewarned!

Did your phone just ring?

Leigh: I am whispering so that you can barely hear me, be forewarned! Did you just try to call my husband? We are not happy that you are attempting to reach out to MY husband, so be forewarned. You can go F- yourself. Do not let your thoughts wander to Keith Spellman. Do not be tempted to contact him. Keith is not interested in a romantic relationship with you. He is happily married to the ideal woman. You cannot compete. You have three children. You are 45 years old. You are looking older and older. He would never leave me for you! Esteban is hexing you. You will never get out of our grips. We practice Santeria, which you know nothing about! You have no clue how to defend yourself from us, so be forewarned!

Esteban: You are going to hear our voices more and more if you keep this shit up! Do not call any of us, especially Keith Spellman!!

Hello

 

Blast from the past

 Here comes trouble?

Stolen from a friend

 Why do married people do this to themselves? I guess I am a victim to the same cruel thoughts.

Sunday-not-so-funday

I sat down with my siblings today to divide up some of the belongings from my mother, who died last year. We were dreading this day. It was stressful. It was heated. Seeing my mother's things again, reminded me of her and made me miss her. I got emotional a few times. After an hour and a half of intense negotiations, I had reached my limit. Things got weird for me. Eventually, I started hearing voices, which prompted my exit. I had to get out of there. The voices always seem to know when I am in a tense and stressful situation and they join in on the stress like gangbusters. 

Leigh: You are in hell, so be forewarned!

Federica: We hate you, so we are hexing you. Be forewarned.  So...what are you thinking of doing about Keith Spellman?

Esteban: We hate you, so we are hexing you! Be forewarned.

On my drive home, Esteban started singing along to a song that came on over the radio.  

Esteban: "Slip into the eye of your mind. Don't you know you might find. A better place to play. You said that you'd never been. But all the things that you've seen, slowly fade away. So I start a revolution from my bed, cause you said the brains I had went to my head. Step outside, summertime's in bloom. Stand beside the fireplace. Take that look from off your face. You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out! And so Sally can wait. She knows it's too late, as she's walking on by. My soul slides away. But don't look back in anger, I heard you say." (Or something like that. I may have turned the station away from that a few times, out of irritation.

I took 1/2 a Xanax when I got home and tried to relax. I was asked to pick something up at the store and start the laundry, as soon as I got home, which did not help me relax. The voices also had a field day with my agitation and frustration over that. No rest for the wicked, I tell you!

What a busy week!

 TGIF Selfie with my Stella Rosa 

Stolen from a friend

 Stolen from a friend who loves Joni Mitchell.  Something to think about. ..

Don’t let fear hold you back!

 https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/prince-harrys-ex-cressida-bonas-220200762.html

This is what my son wants for Christmas! 😂

 

What am I getting for Christmas??

 

Happy holidays 2020

 

Happy Thanksgiving!!

 OMG this girl was me from age 16-?  lol 

This has nothing to do with Thanksgiving

 

The price of love

 The price of love is loss. One way to avoid this is to panic and run like hell away from your soulmate. 😂Seriously, don’t do what I did.

More drama unfolding

So I have not been seeing Keith around lately and I assumed he went back up to Santa Cruz. I am not in touch with Keith or anyone in his world. All I know is what the voices tell me and I oftentimes foolishly believe them. They always suck me into their drama even tonight when I am laying on the couch relaxing after a bath. The voices creep in:

Leigh: Did you know that Keith Spellman made love to his wife, Leigh, when he went back to Santa Cruz this weekend? Be forewarned. Stupid bitch! You’ve done it this time. All of your messing around with my man broke up our marriage. You should be ashamed of yourself, so be forewarned!

Federica: This is Federica! I hate her so much! I can’t even believe it! You have been messing with my friends man for so long. He actually left Leigh! Stupid bitch! He would never leave Leigh for you...an old, washed up hag, so be forewarned! We are going to continue hexing you until the end of time, so be forewarned! Whether or not you end up with Keith, we are going to continue hexing you for what you have done and you deserve every bit of it, so be forewarned! Cigarette daydreams are all you have! This blog didn’t go over very well with us. You keep confessing your love for Keith Spellman to the world! You keep begging him to leave Leigh for you. Get over it and stay away from Keith Spellman or else!!!

Esteban: Stupid bitch, I am Esteban and I hate you so I am hexing you. I just wanted to call you a stupid bitch. That is all, so be forewarned!

(Later that night around 2:30 am) 

Leigh: I hate you so much so be forewarned! You’re messing with the wrong people. You’re messing with my marriage and that is unforgivable so be forewarned.

Happy Thanksgiving!

 

 

13 Going on 30

 Storyline: I should have married you a million years ago but I didn’t and now it’s too late.  😂 

Band of Sand

Large reserves of sand

Noospheric band

Where I stand

Dreamland.

*This poem reminds me of someone.

Fading Light

 A tense night deepens

The distance in between us

I watch as you fade

PS I didn’t write this but it reminds me of my immediate family and the Thanksgiving  that I will not be at this year.  😂 

I miss you!

 I miss people that I don’t even really know or accurately remember at this point! I mean it’s been over 20 years?!!! lol 

Voodoo Child

“Lord don’t stop a Voodoo child” These lyrics eerily take me back to the height of my psychosis in 2014. I thought similarly, that the power of Voodoo and Santeria transcended Christianity and Catholicism. No matter what I said or did, I couldn’t shake the angry voices in my head or the people I thought were hexing me. Disappointingly, I could not pray the voices away.

I just looked up the lyrics and that is not even what he is saying. The actual lyric is “Lord knows I’m a Voodoo Child.” This whole time I have just been hearing what I want to hear. lol 😂 

This is the current story trend.

Sadly, my story is not that. My story is a good old fashioned love triangle/catfight. lol 

Yes!

 

Should I watch this movie?

1 Night in San Diego? This movie is about taking a road trip to San Diego to visit your crush and ultimately ending up disappointed ☹️ 

 

Rose rocks in Oaklahoma

 https://statesymbolsusa.org/symbol-official-item/oklahoma/state-mineral-rock/rose-rock

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.history.com/.amp/topics/native-american-history/trail-of-tears

Learning about beautiful rose rocks in Oaklahoma today and also spent time reading about the Trail of Tears. Native Americans believe that rose rocks represent the souls of those lost in the Trail of Tears, which ended in Oklahoma. A beautiful reminder of a very sad truth of American  history.

Note to self

 https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-8942591/Julianne-Hough-felt-did-not-deserve-high-life-ex-Ryan-Seacrest-gave-her.html

In this news story, she is talking specifically about material things, but I am thinking about the whole picture. If I get into a situation that feels “too good to be true” or better than I deserve, I am just going to roll with it next time. I have been down this road before! (Self sabotage)

Missing

It’s missing from my life 

Sometimes I notice it

Sometimes I don’t 

I wish I knew what it was

*I know what it is or who it is rather. My soul mate haunts me every day, through the songs I hear on the radio and at the grocery store. He is serenading me with his love songs, just like the good old days! 

No rest for the wicked

As I started to relax in my bath tonight,  the voices started speaking to me.

Leigh: You are still blogging everything that we say to you. Maybe you should keep all your Karen-ish thoughts to yourself. Be forewarned.  I hate you, so be forewarned, I may never stop hexing you. I practice Voodoo and Santeria. I am half -Venezuelan! No one will ever believe you. Based on my appearance, no one would ever suspect a thing. No one will ever know what I am doing to you. You should never have messed with my man! Be forewarned. Esteban is watching your every move for me. I am in Santa Cruz but he lives in Cardiff. We are watching you! Stay away from my man, Keith Spellman 

Esteban: Stupid bitch! How come you paint me as some evil monster? I am hexing you, so be forewarned. I am not giving you any material to blog about. Don’t try to write dialogue for me, either, stupid bitch. When I want to talk to you, I will.

Leigh: Stupid bitch! A voodoo doll on my Pinterest page proves nothing!  I have a healthy fascination with Voodoo and Santeria, but this is all in your mind, so be forewarned!

Later that night:

Leigh: Yeah right! She wants to trade places with me and put me in jail at the same time! Fat chance of that ever happening! Every time your thoughts drift to Keith Spellman, I will be there to punish you so be forewarned!

Feel the love!

 

My thoughts drifted far away tonight.

 I remember seeing a video of a snake charmer, as a child, and being shocked and petrified to see anyone  get that close to a Cobra. I never knew most of the snakes used have already been defanged. I learn something new every day!

Trust

I can’t trust

My mind.

So did it happen

Or not?

How Tomato Sauce Is Made In Italy | Regional Eats

Dumb joke

Two schizphrenics walk out of a bar. The first one says to the other, “I can’t believe what went on in there!” The second one replies, “So what else is new?”

Uh...no

 

Losing (A poem)

I used to hate 

Losing 

Then I got used 

To it

# I have actually been thinking quite the opposite lately #winning! Well maybe not, I am probably just delusional. My erotomania soulmate/crush is here in Carlsbad with me! Other than that, my reality in this pandemic is pretty stressful, but just trying to make the best of it!

Happy Halloween!!

 

Bitter

Deep down I am bitter

About everything 

My job is to cover it up

With silence 

I didn’t write this poem but I give props to whoever did. Living with mental illness is not easy and changes the course of your life for the worse. I have been skating since I got married. I have the support of my family but more often than not, we (the mentally ill) are living hand to mouth or on the streets. Scary thought.

Exactly

 

Truth bomb from The Captain

 

I still want to go sailing.

 

Every day is Earth Day

 Go hug a tree!

Bettie Page

I never knew that Bettie Page suffered from schizophrenia.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-6484031/amp/The-lost-years-legendary-Playboy-Playmate-Bettie-Page-revealed-unseen-photos-letters.html

Voice diatribe

 Leigh: I didn’t know what a circus your life was until I started hexing you and until I came down to Carlsbad to stealth spy on you firsthand. Or is that what Keith Spellman is doing? Be forewarned. You’re my enemy. I knew it all along, so be forewarned. I’m not done hexing you, nor will I ever be.

Leigh (continues):  Keith is happily married. You are waiting around for no one because nothing is going to happen between the two of you. Keith Spellman is MY husband, so be forewarned. Keep your eyes, heart, mind, and hands off him! Or else there will be hell to pay!

I am just having my 2020 midlife crisis here. It is happening again. Like in the year 2014, I feel like if I don’t jump ship now on my marriage, I will never sail off into the sunset with my soul mate. But where is my captain? He is nowhere to be seen.

Leigh: What? Sailing metaphors? Me and Keith sail all the time but your vessel is about to sink! You have a lot of nerve, so be forewarned!

Esteban: Stupid bitch! You are the queen of cheese. Corny!

Boredom strikes on a Friday night

 

Tom Petty

 I wonder if you can learn to rock like Tom Petty from watching YouTube videos?

Negative thoughts

 https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33090516/

My life would have turned out so differently if I could  think happy thoughts. I don’t know why optimism has always been so difficult and unnatural for me.

Steps

 Life is two steps forward

And one step back

If it wasn’t,

You’d reach the end too soon.

Someone else wrote this poem. Personally I feel like I am going around in circles and getting nowhere.lol

Discussion tonight

I was viewing a mental health discussion tonight, on social media, where people were repeating the best pearl of wisdom your therapist ever gave them. Truth be told,  my psychiatrist never leaves me with anything that I recall holding onto. I vent and she comforts me. She gives me advice to get me through the moment. Don’t get me wrong, she is very smart, but she is not a life guru, who leaves me with constant pearls of wisdom.

Corny as it may sound, I have gotten better advice in confession and in church. My priest told me many years ago that there is nothing that I don’t already have that I need in my life. Those are words to live by.

Also, he spoke once  of how love is very picky. We do not love everyone. Love is not fair, but that is just the way it is. You are not attracted to everyone you meet, nor do you love or fall in love with everyone. For a celibate priest, he gave a very insightful homily about love that day. It was very interesting to me.

Metronome (A haiku)

 My heart keeps beating

A painful drum in my chest

My broken rhythm

When DLR starts talking lol

 

Real

 I’m being pulled into

Dealing with real life

When all I want to do

Is daydream about it

Song of the day

 My cousin played this at her wedding a million years ago. Tearjerker! It reminds me of the one that got away.

No one understands...

No one understands misunderstandings, the way we schizophrenics do

The innocence of delusion confusion 

Met with agitation by others

You never know how you will be met

When you open up about your hex

She vexed any talk of my hex

Or is it just my stupid mental illness 

Thanks for your support 

I could have gotten better support from a Self Help book

They say the truth shall set you free 

Maybe a day will come, when just one person believes me

I won’t speak of this in a social setting again 

I can’t even vent to my therapist 

I might really be on to something 

But until someone meets me with an open mind

I will remain suffering in this boiling witches cauldron 

Looking to escape this hell and move on

Someone on the television said today that witchcraft and mental illness suffer the same negative stigma

Do you agree 

Van Halen - "Why Can't This Be Love" (1986 Live)

Van Halen - "Why Can't This Be Love" (1986 Live)

Why did this story appear in my Facebook newsfeed?

This video is the cure for the 7-Year-Itch. The story reels you in, although you feel uncomfortable and guilty, while watching it. Then...wait for the moral at the end of the story.

Mental

 It’s world mental health day.

Can’t you just

Feel the difference

That’s made in your life?

(lol)

lol

 

Uptick in voices lately

Leigh Stupid bitch! I hate her so much, so be forewarned. What are you thinking of doing about Keith Spellman? Keith is my husband, so be forewarned, he is not ever leaving me for you. He is just messing with you! I hate her so much!

My voices are really acting up again. There was a period of time in 2014, when I would hallucinate Keith and it would trigger my voices. I do think that he haunts me, because I married too soon and didn’t wait for him. But why would I, when he didn’t keep in touch after college?  So lately I’ve been thinking that I am seeing him again and the voices are intensifying. If he is happily married in Santa Cruz, then why is he always here in Carlsbad? Is trouble brewing? Are they separating? If I were Leigh,  I would be threatened too. I would never let him out of my sight, especially to visit an old college crush! If this were more than merely a fantasy nightmare, I would hate me too!

Federica: You are brave for saying all that publicly but very stupid for messing with us! Leave Keith Spellman alone! He is Leigh’s husband and if you do anything with him, we will hex you for the rest of your life, so be forewarned!

As I lay down to bed, I hear one more voice.

Esteban: Stupid bitch! They are happily married so be forewarned!

So I keep thinking...

 I keep thinking that David Gilmour from Punk Floyd is driving past me. It’s either David Gilmour or a random 70 something bald guy with blue eyes. Today we had a moment though. I looked right into his eyes and thought about how much I always loved Pink Floyd and the very cute David Gilmour!

It could have been David Gilmour or the guy in this meme lol

My sneaky son

 Someone left their phone lying around with their Amazon prime account open and my son bought this toy. ??? lol

https://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=XCQoMx3SXgA#dialog

Ah yes! I knew that already!

https://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2020-10/uoc--fsd092820.php 

I am too smart to be lonely! Men suck!

Leigh: Stupid bitch! Stay away from my man, Keith Spellman and his friends. I don’t trust you as far as I can throw you...and I can’t throw you because you’re  too fat!

Federica: I am helping Leigh hex you, stupid bitch. I am a real witch, so be forewarned!

Esteban: I am Esteban and I hate you so be forewarned! Why are you looking at our Instagram pages? 

I thought this was clickbait at first...

but I ended up reading every word in this article about The Beatles and their various wives. The Beatles really lived and loved. They wrote beautiful, inspired love songs. But who were they inspired by? I wouldn’t be surprised if a few songs were written about women not married to The Beatles or mentioned in this article. The Beatles certainly did not lack for female love and attention! With all their money and access to travel the world and meet new women, I am really not surprised that they were unfaithful and married numerous times.  How spoiled and fickle were they? The Beatles really experienced roller coaster love lives.  I still love them! The Beatles and musicians, in general, just fascinate me!

https://www.musicoholics.com/backstage-stories/the-first-and-second-wives-club-marrying-into-the-beatles/39.html?fps=ya&br_t=sa&_pg=p24 

What was your best date ever?

 Phil: "I was in the Virgin Islands once. I met a girl. We ate lobster, drank piña coladas. At sunset we made love like sea otters. That was a pretty good day. Why couldn't I get that day over and over and over?"- Groundhog Day 

More wise words from The Captain....

 

Schroeder being pissed at Lucy for 7 minutes

Say a little prayer...

 

Life before Instagram

A very stylish hat

One love!

Pouting at the Grand Canyon

Roller skates!

Soccer star!

Water babies!

We’re on a boat!

Always an angel!

Token bikini picture