This drinking game was funny, but it got me thinking about my time as a single lady and how rough it is out there. I hate reflecting on my romantic history! I had very little love and romance, prior to my husband. I do not have a lot of real positive, romantic memories of anyone that I was involved with. I do not envy single women for what they have to put up with. I am happy to be off the market and away from predators and creeps. I admit that while I was separated in 2014, I was subjected to at least 7 unsolicited gross pictures from creeps that I met online. As soon as I would give them my phone number, I was forwarded a disgusting picture or pressured to send them sexy pics. What is wrong with men? I had an awful time when I was single. I am definately happier now!
Saturday, September 29, 2018
He got schizophrenia. He got cancer. Then he got cured.Intteresting article!
To take my mind off other things... I love this song! #ValleyGirl
Wednesday, September 26, 2018
"Delusions seem like sweet dreams we had and we cannot accept their illusory nature." Today, I am thinking about my lingering delusions and wondering why there is a grieving process about letting them go. Although the voices are well-controlled on my meds, I find it very hard/impossible to let go of the delusions I developed while unmedicated. Don't be afraid to reach out to your psychiatrist or loved ones to pull you out of this. Reality checks help many sufferers of SZ/SZA.
Tuesday, September 25, 2018
I was on a therapy site today and someone mentioned that he believed that he was the victim of "honeytrapping." This sounds like a delusion to me, a perpelexing delusion. It is not one that I have ever had myself. It sounds like it is something out of a James Bond movie. I do not know much about spying or espionage, much less sexpionage. This is completely not my thing.
I feel good and I trust my partner. But I respect that every delusional person, has different sorts of delusions. So I have been researching this and it is very interesting, to say the least.
I believe that every delusional person has a story to tell and a potentially entertaining story. You never know how non-delusional people will receive your story. I think the psychotic community could very well excel in writing psychological thrillers and memoirs which educate and enlighten.
Here is an update on my essay. I received a lot of support from friends, family, and complete strangers for my essay. It felt great. A few people posted strange and semi-unsupportive comments. What hurt me the most was a lack of support from two of my family members. My family never agrees on anything. So one of my family members was embarrassed by my essay. The other family member complained that they were mentioned nowhere in my essay. The essay made it seem like I was an only child or something. I have three siblings who I love. I guess you cannot please everyone. I feel it is a case of, damned if you do, damned if you don't. I will continue writing/blogging and not let anyone dictate what I write. Thank you to my family for all your support throughout my life and my darkest hours!
A slew of people came to help me when I was unmedicated. My sister Gina helped me numerous times and tried to get me to the psychiatric hospital. My Dad called my Uncle Anselm and brother Dominic to drive out to Arizona, where I had driven and run out of gas. Oddly enough, the sister who wanted me to write about her in my essay and book, played little to no role in my mental health recovery. She is lucky that I had nothing negative to say about her. What can I say, but mental illness is genetic and I am not the only one in my family with mental difficulties. I do love my whole dysfunctional family though.
P.S. If I had time to describe my sister, I would say that Marisa was our half Italian/half Irish Marcia Brady Varni. Marisa! Marisa! Marisa! She was always nurturing and maternal from a young age. She was a neat freak growing up. She is also a devout Catholic, who is always sending me prayers. God bless my sister Marisa!
Wednesday, September 19, 2018
My life story/essay finally got published today. So far, I only received one negative comment online. I am keeping my fingers crossed that I am not judged too harshly for my essay. I was very honest and candid with my mistakes and do not need too much criticism for them. I am very harsh on myself, as it is. One reader was offended by my recommendation for people to stick to their medication regimen. I just know what works for me and I do not want to hear voices anymore, so I am taking my antipsychotic!
#FeelingRomantical #LovePoetry (Courtesy of Pinterest)
Monday, September 17, 2018
#LadiesWhoLunch #Swami'sCafe #Grub
(And back to the jokes.) I am happy to have my girls to lunch and hang out with. I am also quite relieved to be in a relationship and not to have to put up with what was out there...when I was single LOL (See below)
You know who you are!
NEVER!!!
UPDATE: I just showed this meme to Stephen and he did not get this joke. He said "It looks good to me..." To any men out there who thinks this meal looks appetizing, do not cook this for us! I am sorry it is nasty to me and to basically every woman. LOL
Saturday, September 15, 2018
It isn’t just that we live in a patriarchy. The patriarchy lives in us.-Gloria Steinem I wonder if Gloria Steinem would hate my blog. I quote male comedians a lot. I have always admired male comedians and even though it sounded weird and wrong, I would re-tell their jokes. I aspired to be a comedian, for a period my life. I guess I am just silly. I have always laughed at the crudest, most misogynistic, male jokes. Does having a male sense of humor and sharing certain ideas with men make me a misogynist too? I would love to see the play coming out about Gloria Steinem to learn more about her. I went through a phase in high school and college, where I identified as a feminist. I was interested in the movements of the 1960's and 1970's. I had hippie leanings too. I don't know what really happened to my feminism. As I realized that I failed to live up to feminist ideals, I eventually gave up trying to live up to those ideals. I don't want to beat myself up over it right now though. I am a work in progress.
Welcome to Holland #mothertospecialneedschildren #mylife Holland is lovely!
WELCOME TO HOLLAND
by
Emily Perl Kingsley.
c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child
with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that
unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's
like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous
vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your
wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in
Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very
exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack
your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The
stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for
Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to
Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible,
disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's
just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a
whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you
would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less
flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch
your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland
has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and
they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for
the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed
to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss. But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get
to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very
lovely things ... about Holland.
Hanging out with my friend at Betty's Pie Whole in Encinitas. My friend suggested we start a blog together, where we document our dining adventures. All I can say is, it was yummy! :)
Friday, September 14, 2018
Someone on my therapy site, confided that her mother did not believe that mentally ill people should have children. As much as I was offended and defensive about this, I thought about this today. I Googled mental illness and Autism. Oh no! I always thought my husband lacked social skills and might be on the spectrum, but I have schizoaffective disorder. I am sure that if people knew this, they would judge me and blame me for causing my children's Autism. I never really researched the link between mental illness and Autism until today.
I wanted children so badly that I just got pregnant and hoped for the best. I trusted that I would have healthy children. I love my children. I have seen their delays and struggles, but they are special. I do believe that Autistic children are sweeter than neurotypical children. I guess I am biased towards Autistic children now. I am sorry that I went into having children so blindly, but I adore my children, so there is no turning back now. They are mine to nurture and love, so please do not pity me either. I am just taking it day by day and appreciating every milestone they achieve, as it happens. My children are wonderful and beautiful!
UPDATE: My sweet son that I was just bragging about is now screaming his head off in utter defiance!
As much as I like walking/hiking, I will never hike Mt. Everest. (Not even close) I do not have the time or the energy. LOL
Thursday, September 13, 2018
Hello blonde! I feel like a new woman!!
Monday, September 10, 2018
The only mental hospital that is in North County Coastal San Diego is being shut down. I am glad the Tri-City Behavioral Health Unit was there when I had a mental breakdown and was sent to 5150. Fortunately I am on my meds and stable now, but what is going to happen to others in the same situation as I was? Will they be sent to jail or sent to the streets? A few of the commenters on this article are highly offensive. One commenter wants all people who are "nuts" to be locked up permanently, where they cannot hurt others. The ignorance and immaturity of some people is overwhelming!
I have to admit that I did not know who Stephen Hawking was until he died. Then I watched a movie about his life and he totally reminded me of my husband. Unfortunately Stephen Hawking's first wife strayed from him completely. It was very sad and hard to watch because her bad behavior mirrored my own failures and conflicted mind.
Or it could be synchronicity... Why do other people hear my thoughts and know what I am thinking? "You are a hologram, a fractal, others speak your thoughts because you are them and they are you. Jung wrote a lot of this phenomenon called synchronicity."- quoted from schizophrenia.com https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Synchronicity
Wikipedia is like Cliff Notes. It explains everything so well that I rarely go to the effort to read the actual book. It would help if I went to a library and reasearched this a bit more before I start posting about things like this.
Someone was discussing the illuminati today and started bashing Elon Musk on my therapy site. They believe that Elon Musk is a diabolical genius who is intentionally driving his company into the ground.
I believe Elon Musk is having a mental breakdown. I do not appreciate Joe Rogan giving him marijuana to exacerbate his breakdown. When I was in college and shortly after, I was falling into my depression and my mental illness was taking shape. I believe people sensed this and would offer me marijuana to get me to say "crazy" and silly things. Marijuana made my behavior more bizarre and everyone would watch me like a caged animal. I didn't appreciate it then and I recognize it now when it is being done to other people. Joe Rogan is a putz who would do anything for ratings! While I am on my soap box, I was just blogging about how offensive it is that people throw around the term "crazy" so casually. I am definately not a fan of Trump, but "Dream Crazy?" Come on Nike! You can think of a less offensive slogan than this.
Thursday, September 6, 2018
After the onset of my mental illness, I became medicated and felt symptom-free for years. I had similar dreams, as a woman without mental illness. I wanted to get a job and work my way up the corporate ladder. I struggled at work but I did work as an admin in the pharmaceutical industry, for a few years. I always wished for love and marriage. That has remained a constant throughout my life. In my late twenties, my biological clock started ticking and I wanted a family. I eventually met a nice guy at work, who made all my dreams come true.
My mental illness has put a wrench in my marriage numerous times. For his part, my husband never really believed that I was mentally ill. Mental illness is an invisible illness, which I hid well. His misunderstanding and lack of support for my mental illness, in part, led to our divorce. Being the super-smart chemist that he is, he thought he knew better than my psychiatrist. He mistrusted her and assumed that I was misdiagnosed. My husband and my mother wished that I would have a large family. After having three children, I knew that I was done having children and could not handle any more. This realization was a huge disappointment to my husband, as well as, my mother who told me, "You know, if I never had a fourth child, you never would have been born." Ugh! The pressure she put on me. The strange thing was that no one ever treated me as someone with a disability. They EXPECTED me to behave as everyone else did. I never had the support for my mental illness that I needed, thus leading to an eventual mental breakdown.
I have written about my divorce in the past but, fortunately, my husband and I have reconciled. I lived through personal loneliness and the suffering of my children. That is what I really want to talk about today. When Stephen and I split up, I watched my children fall apart. At first, I had custody of the children and my children would cry for their father. They missed him terribly and did not know where he was. I do not want to see the children of divorce suffer, as mine did. As much as you may hate your ex, they need to be a part of their children's lives. I believe that you need to learn how to co-parent as peacefully as possible and not speak ill of your ex. I made plenty of rash mistakes in my divorce, but after having reconciled with my husband, I see my children overjoyed and thriving. That was the best possible outcome for me and my family. I have decided to stay married to the father of my children. I feel compelled to do this. I mean, once you have children with someone, the best outcome for your children is an intact marriage, followed by a healthy friendship/co-parenting. I just feel lucky to have my family back, after a whirlwind. I don't want to end this on a preachy note, but I have inserted a link, just for the sake of the children of divorce. Please consider the feelings of your children if you are considering divorce, it could be a tremendous help to any child in this situation.
Belief perseverance is maintaining a belief despite new information that firmly contradicts it. Such beliefs may even be strengthened when others attempt to present evidence debunking them.
I just saw this link on Schizophrenia.com and related to it. I consider myself a rational person, with moments of irrationality. I suffer from Belief Perseverance. For example, you cannot tell me that these two guys from my past are not driving through my neighborhood, checking up on me. Maybe I should unblock these people on Facebook and get a reality slap. On second thought, no thanks. I would rather remain irrational. Reality checks hurt!
I also believe that people in my neighborhood are reading my blog. Their reactions towards me differ, on a daily basis. If a neighbor or acquaintance dislike my latest post, I could get "resting bitch face" from them.
I do not understand the glare and unfriendliness of some people. Occasionally, I blame it on my notorious blog. It couldn't be that they merely do not like me. That is never the case. NO ONE thinks I am a bitch! :) I don't want to believe that anyway. I am trying to smile at strangers more. It cuts through the ice.
Monday, September 3, 2018
Halloween is approaching! Pardon the profanity, but I agree with this message wholeheartedly!
Sunday, September 2, 2018
I am thinking about joining in on this exercise trend. This must be HUGE in Santa Cruz!
