My new medication

 I don’t want to open the door to hearing voices which is why I have not been blogging. The well has run dry as I have no voices to report. My new medication must be working better than my last antipsychotic. I don’t want to jinx myself by taking too much about it. If you don’t hear from me here on my blog, it is because all is well and my medication is doing its job. I cannot believe I thought Vraylar was working so well when I was constantly hearing voices and going on tangents about them. On the other hand, without my voices, I have to think of something else to write about. I need a new story to tell. I am thankful to the makers of Caplyta as it works better than Vraylar did for me. Finger crossed that my luck will continue. I have not heard voices since March 16. Let’s see how long I can maintain this voice free streak!

In honor of St Patrick’s Day tomorrow

Here is Drake performing in Dublin. It must be the Irish in me. I love this song by Drake. The audience here is going crazy for Drake during this song! Wow!

This is true!

 

OMG

 I thought it was K!

The reason why no one reads this

 Valentina: The reason why no one reads your blog, much less buys your book is because you are a weak willed bitch. You are pathetic. In this day and age, people want to read the story of a strong female protagonist. They don’t want to hear the outdated notion that any woman would be a happier, better person if she attracts said man. Your protagonist is dependent on a man for happiness. You, Danielle, suffer from the grass is greener on the other side syndrome, as well. Let me assure you, that you will not be happier if you steal Maeve’s husband,  because we will make your life a living hell! Treys family will hate you! Your own family will hate you! Home wreckers get zero respect! If you didn’t have your head so far up your own ass, maybe you would be able to see that. Your story is racist and love triangles are the most tired, antiquated story line possible. You are lucky that no one is bothering to read your book, as it would get horrible reviews! You have been cancelled before you have even begun your writing career. We are not interested in reading the life and times of a washed up, old hag, so be forewarned!

Well it finally happened

 I had a dream last night where my mother spoke to me from beyond the grave. She advised me not to have any more children because they all have issues. While she was alive, my mom expected me to marry and have children. She was an Irish Catholic and she loved huge families. She had four children and she wanted me to have 4 or 5 children. She didn’t take into account my mental illness or how much it would tax me to have so many children. She promised me that she would remain close and be very hands on with my children. She wanted a lot of grandchildren in close proximity to enjoy. The problem with my mom was she preferred babies. What good would she be to my growing children? Eventually they grow far beyond babies into teenagers. Addressing teenage problems is very different than changing diapers. She never appeared to crave closeness to her own children during our teenage years. She was actually very distant and short with us during those years. I could have used more guidance and a more conversational relationship with her at that time. Anyway, I figured out that I had mentally checked out of having more children after having my third child who was very impacted with Autism. At that point, my mother still didn’t understand. She would deny my children’s autism or deny that they had any problems. She would tell me how beautiful they were and she wanted to see what the next baby would look like. I would like to think that she sees everything differently now and she agrees with me. I appreciate her giving me the advice and approval that I wanted to hear from her for so many years. At 48 years old I don’t want anymore children and I am taking steps to avoid another pregnancy.

Valentina: Get a clue! Your mother wasn’t talking to you in a dream. That was me insulting you and your children. I will see to it that you never come after Trey for baby #4. After all those years with Maeve and agreeing to live a fun filled child free life. Trey never had children with Maeve, his wife and the love of his life, so why would he want one with you? I want you to wipe any thoughts of child rearing with Trey Sanders out of your mind. Trey Sanders doesn’t want to have a single sexual encounter with you, much less a baby, so be forewarned!

Just say it

 Federica: Oh, just say it. Say my real name and not my alias! This is Federica! You are so ridiculous, Danielle! Let me just say that the source of your problems is definitely not a generational curse. You have caused enough trouble in your own lifetime to bring this hex upon yourself! I don’t want to say that there is no such thing as a generational curse, as you may have just invented one for your family. We are the ones who can put that into place for you and your bloodline. You can call this a family feud of epic proportions. When you mess with one of us, this is what you get. You messed with the wrong marriage and with the wrong family! Now you are going down with the help of a little black magic. Let’s see who will pass through to the afterlife next. Will it be you, your father, your brother, or the father of your children? We are much younger than you and will likely outlive you and many in your inner circle, so be forewarned! You might as well focus on your family and your beloved cats, while you still have time. A happy ending with Trey Sanders is not in the cards, my Tarot cards, that is. I see what is coming in your future and it is definitely not splitting up two families to ride into the sunset with Trey Sanders. He is too smart for that mess, when he has a better catch of a wife and an all-around perfect life anyway. Clear your mind’s thoughts of Trey, for that will get you into trouble! Be forewarned!

I got this email today

I guess I never unsubscribed from this person’s email list but everything she sends me about herself just drives me up the wall. She is the most high profile schizophrenic out there. Sounds like a blessing and a curse at the same time. I prefer to remain incognito personally. Apparently there is going to be a comedy showcase in New York featuring some East Coast mental health advocates. I am probably funnier than all of them so I hope they are not reading this and stealing my jokes. No one would ever think to invite me because I am over here on the Best Coast. I visited New York once during my big psychotic episode in 2014. The only reason why I ever went to New York was because I was unmedicated and thought it seemed like a great idea at the time. Once I got there, I saw that it was a very grimy gritty city. I have no intention of ever going back there, so have fun at your little comedy show. I have three children and a life so I am very busy over here in San Diego anyway.

I know you are thinking that I should be supportive of this woman’s success and stand by her but no one ever includes me in any mental health showcases. I have a story and a lot that I could contribute. I really feel the stigma as no one publicly follows my blog. There is no love there. I guess the stigma of mental illness is too great to follow me. I am just bitter. I have asked myself this question many times, “Would you really want to be the public’s face of schizophrenia?”  Not really.

My brain is tortured by riddles!

My brain is filled with riddles that I can’t figure out! I try to understand my mental situation but I am constantly confused. The voices tell me that they are hexing me, so I am on an endless mission to stop these people from harassing me. How can I stop them for good? I remember going to the Carlsbad Police Department to report people for tormenting me telepathically and an officer asked me if I was diagnosed with a mental illness. When I said yes, he told me to take my psychiatric medication and he sent me home. That day could have ended worse. I was still a free woman and not under a psychiatric hold. Now I consider it a good day, when I don’t end up in the back of a police car, handcuffed, being driven to a mental hospital. My psychiatrist always confirms to me that this is indeed a case of psychosis. My medication doesn’t completely resolve this. I am taking my medication regularly. Yet I am still left with the same riddle I had when I started my blog here: Why am I hearing voices in my head? How is this possible? And what did I do to deserve this? I must have bad karma or it is a generational curse, as spiritual advisors imply.

Maeve: So you have been stalking me on social media again? Yes, I love Trey’s sister. She is my sister and she loves me back, so you can just eat your heart out! She and Trey are magic, the ultimate spellcasters! I am spellbound! They have a hold of me and we are not letting go of each other ever. You are sitting miles away, completely on the outside of our world, looking in. Look away and mind your own business, if you are feeling jealous. You cannot change our love for each other! We are a tight knit family unit and our bond is unbreakable!  Also, we are not letting you go anywhere with Trey Sanders! This is a group effort and you are outnumbered completely. So give up your pursuit of my husband. I can be very nasty when I am angry and I can dish out the insults too. Take one step closer and that’s just what I will do. You are a joke already, but I am about to give you the most public humiliation that I can give. You are nothing more than a gold digging home-wrecker anyway, so guess who everyone will side with? Me! That’s right! I am smarter than you and I know just how to proceed, so be forewarned!

My questionable fashion choices

I have been criticized for the majority of my youth, young adulthood and perhaps my adulthood for making questionable fashion choices. I swear to you that during the 1980’s this was not one of those questionable fashion choices. A Big Mac hat? Wearing that hat requires publicly advertising that you actually eat at McDonald’s. No thank you.

Are you talking to me?

 https://vm.tiktok.com/ZTRWEVRcG/

😳 Is the woman in this TikTok speaking directly to me? Yikes! I needed to hear this!

Venting: I know delusional when I see it

 What are the odds that a schizoaffective sister would be the most in touch with reality of all her siblings? I have three siblings and at least one of them expressed to me apprehension that one of their aspiring writer siblings would write an autobiography slandering them. I don’t think any of my siblings read/care enough to read my blog and see how I am doing. I could pepper my blog with stories about them because I have a lot to say.. All three of them get on my nerves at times. No one in my family believes or wants to believe that my diagnosis of mental illness is genetic. They believe it is simply a case of me smoking too much weed starting in junior high and experimenting with drugs that they would never try. So now that I am fully medicated and under the care of a psychiatrist who I see regularly, I wonder why I am the sanest of my siblings? Their stories and the things that they believe, drift off into fantasy all the time. I know delusional when I see it. My family and I were raised Catholic and have some spiritual beliefs that many consider highly suspicious and that we cannot prove. So it is partly that. I want to call myself Catholic, like my family does, but I am trying not to say weird things that many people don’t believe. I don’t want to be called a liar or a loony, although I am diagnosed schizoaffective. My medication keeps me calm and grounded. Unfortunately my family is out of their minds. I have a really hard time talking to them. They are always agitated too. I think my siblings need to step up their medication hardcore to what I am taking. One of my sisters is unstable and highly religious which combines into comical kooky stories. Recently she told me that she is positive that the bird that she keeps seeing in her backyard is one of our dead relatives visiting her. Really? The bird is not simply using your bird feeder? Why do all of my siblings get visits from dead relatives? I never receive visits from my mother who passed on. I also don’t credit everything good that happens to praying to my deceased mother. I can’t credit or blame anyone for the way my life turned out really. It is what it is. I am just trying to make the best out of my life. I was very close with my mother, while she was alive. I still love her. I miss her. I thank her and my Dad for giving me life. When I look at pictures I try to remember her and reminisce about the good times. But I am realistic. I just don’t feel mother’s presence anymore. I hoped that I would feel her, but I don’t. She is gone. I try to make myself feel better by thinking logically. If the bird  in my sisters backyard is really my dead brother-in-law, why would he visit her and not my other sister who was his wife or his son? She wishes that he would visit her but no, I don’t believe it. It’s impossible! Unfortunately because of the stigma associated with mental illness and all the sucky side effects of psychiatric medication,  no one in my immediate family is taking the medication that they need and they never will! I just have to deal with their imbalances if I want to keep in contact with them. 

Trying to lose weight naturally

I changed my antipsychotic and I do feel a little less hungry, which should help me eventually. I am not going to take Wegovy or Ozempic. I don’t want to take diabetes medication away from diabetics who really need it. I also don’t want to start a weight loss medication that I will be stuck on for the rest of my life. I don’t want to gain the weight back after dealing with those shots and all the side effects I dealt with to lose the weight! Diabetes injections like Wegovy increase your risk of thyroid cancer anyway. I want to lose weight the old fashioned way, which will take forever but that’s ok. 

Matteo: So you are trying to lose weight and researching how to do that? Well it isn’t brain surgery but even if you found the recipe for success, it would not be possible for you. We are hexing you to remain fat forever! Ketosis? What about ketosis? The only thing you need to know about ketosis is that you’re not in it! You are never in ketosis because you are constantly eating. Take a break from eating ok? You have to stop feeding your face! Drink water to mask your hunger!  It’s that simple. You are too stupid to figure out the Keto diet and be successful at it, so be forewarned!

What is it about blonde hair?

Why do you always look his way 

You catch a glimpse of blonde hair 

And you sit there mesmerized 

Remember to keep your eyes on the road 

And keep your mind busy with other thoughts 

It’s not really him anyway 

He is just a random blonde stranger 

Who caught your gaze

Quit staring at beautiful blonde passersby

Hoping that it’s him

For he moved past you 

A long time ago

Maeve: Quit milking the flowery, lovey dovey compliments about my husband. He is just a man, a very married man. I know that you have ulterior motives and you can’t be trusted. For you it’s not even sexual, it’s monetary. You are a gold digger! You are probably a lesbian anyway. You want to marry my husband and live happily ever after? Well it’s never gonna happen so save your crappy poetry for someone else! Be forewarned!

Matteo: Danielle looves blonde hair! She wants what she can’t have and what she will never be. She will never be a beautiful blonde or the bride of a beautiful blonde. Be forewarned! You aren’t blonde enough or beautiful enough for Trey Sanders. Maeve is all of that and then some, so leave her and Trey alone and just eat your heart out! Be forewarned!

Someone walked up the path to my doorstep last night

Some guy walked up the pathway of my house all the way to my doorstep last night at 9:30 pm. He didn’t trip the motion detection floodlight on the pathway. I heard some rustling outside, saw a silhouette through the slats of my blinds and also saw that his phone light was on. I got up and said out loud “What is that? What is going on?” I was in the front bedroom right by the front door. Unfortunately I do not think it was my secret admirer. It seems more like a porch pirate, or a potential burglar casing our house. Wow! Why us? He took one look in our kitchen window and left. We are literally sloppy pack rats. No one wants to steal Stephen’s Star Wars action figures or my wardrobe a la Amazon,. Our most valuable items are our children and our cats, which triggers a bigger fear in me. What if this guy is a child trafficker? We need to get a doorbell camera and protect the premises quick! Here is some information below that the prowler probably knew, about how to not trip someone’s home floodlights. Scary!

https://www.csoonline.com/article/2133815/researchers-show-ways-to-bypass-home-and-office-security-systems.html

My plans for tonight

 

How did I know?

 How did I know that I would be on this list?

I hope you find a Sagittarius really soon!

 My most compatible sign (according to this astrologer) is Leo! 💗 

Maeve: Ha ha ha! That’s laughable! You are going nowhere with my man! Anyway your delusional mind is making up my whole involvement in this. You are trying to drag my name through the mud! I am sweet and I would never be involved in a love triangle. FYI Trying to steal someone else’s husband and fighting over a man is so tacky! Like Shakira just said, “There is a special place in hell for women who don’t support other women.”  You are one hellish woman! I am innocent of taking part in your trashy troubles! I am a Saint. You are a sinner! I wish you a long bumpy ride down to hell!  But for the time being stay away from my man and keep our names out your f’ing mouth! Be forewarned!