Ghost Song

Evil E is so good at f-ing with people so it is noticeable to his target and virtually nobody else. He gets into mischief that there are no established laws for and therefore cannot be proved at all really. Since the beginning of time, when has anyone been able to prove that an enemy targeted them with a malicious spell that hurt them or even killed then. Never! He is just talking shit for the most part, whenever and as much as he wants, but that’s not even a crime…yet.

Evil E is back in Venezuela. It appears to be very wealthy part of Venezuela that I never knew about. I never knew a thing about Venezuela, since coming across this family. I have at least googled Venezuela, by now, and pay attention anytime I hear anything about Venezuela on the news. Like any country, I am sure they have very wealthy cities and very wealthy families. E- is in that world, I think. He brags on Instagram like anyone else. A lot of his posts mimic the MTv show cribs, where famous people show off their homes and rides. E told me that they were rich like that a long time ago. I believe it. I think they are possibly a little famous in Venezuela. E is like a model/celebrity who people take professional pictures of when he surfs/rides motorcycles etc. The fame and the money give him power and privilege to get away with a lot of shit unfortunately. I don’t think the police or government of Venezuela gives a damn about what he is doing to me in the US. They don’t know and don’t care. It is how E told me it was, in the US. “The police don’t have the wherewithal to handle a situation like this!” He is better off in Venezuela, as he could never get extradited for this. He didn’t kill anyone, so I am stuck with him. He just shit talks to me (whenever he wants) manipulates me and embarrasses me, for amusement.

I was watching one of E’s stories and he was bragging about his life and leisure on the sand in Venezuela. He played this Jim Morrison song which f-d with me. It said something about hearing voices. I read into everything too much. I guess it’s my fault for looking at his stupid public instagram. He tries to make himself look, likable, busy doing his thing, and loving on his family. There is nothing about  using Santeria to get where he is in life or being open to that for the sake of revenge. You could never tell that he would need to do that or be willing to do that either. He portrays this privileged guy who is just so rich. He enjoys his life. He has every toy he could ever want. He is low key famous and people want to know everything that he is doing. People want to be like him too.  I think a lot of people in the US, and around me locally, wish they had the magical powers to F- with people for fun, for protection, and for revenge. Many people are so amused by my situation. Am I getting my just dessert? I never even touched the man! Usually that happens at some point, before the rage and revenge begins. We have never chatted in person and I have never had his phone number. It’s all my fault though. Everything is my fault. I don’t think anyone ever hexed Trey.  He probably still doesn’t even believe me ,which is why he never left Maeve or tried to help me for 10 years now.

Maybe it is just a “midlife crisis,,” as Evil E has said a million times. I do have psychosis. Just yesterday I was tripping out because I thought I sw John Densmore driving past me. Then I thought, wait, no, isn’t he dead already? My mind plays tricks on me all the time, in addition to my haters and Stans all around me who intentionally mess with me. 

Good morning to you too!

 Maeve: All you ever do is complain and steal other women’s husbands! That’s the consensus from the women in your neighborhood. You have a great life. You have a life of leisure. You are getting your nails done on Veterans Day! The seasalt deluxe pedicure because your life is so stressful! You work so hard! You deserve a break today! It’s all about you on Veteran’s Day!  Thanks for nothing! People hate you, so be forewarned!

Alice’s Italian Restaurant was closed tonight

 So I ate at the crappy, downgrade restaurant next door called Forchettaboutit. My daughters always look at the menu beforehand to decide if they want to eat there, and decide what they want to eat. So we were all set. We were going to Forchettaboutit to eat. When we walked through the door, the waitress told us that all of their indoor, empty tables were unavailable. “You will have to sit outside” she said. What? I asked her, if there were heat lamps outside and she groaned and said yes, but they aren’t on. Then she shrugs her shoulders and says, “Ok, I will turn them on.”  Like it’s such a burden on her.  It’s not like she had to find  a match to light it either. She literally walked over, flipped a switch, and left. This bitch. I was pissed off, while we were there. That party of 4, in the second picture, walked in later. I don’t think it was a “we didn’t have a reservation” situation because I don’t think this dive, hole-in-the-wall, restaurant requires reservations. Business is spotty and they usually have plenty of room. Maybe their shitty employees are the reason why. On the way home, I was venting more vocally, in front of my daughters, which is always a mistake. Sophia can tune me out and she doesn’t think about it too hard. But me pointing out that I was upset and offended, by our treatment at the restaurant, made Olivia cry. Then I started crying. She said, “Does everyone hate me? Maybe we had to sit outside because they didn’t want people with Autism inside?”

I want to start off saying that I hate the flack people get for saying reverse racism. Ok, I will say that what I experienced was racism from Mexican and Latin American folks, who probably side with Evil E and his family. What? You don’t believe me? The story that I am putting out there, into the universe, is totally racist? Ok, if it’s not true, blaming what I am hearing on an innocent family from Venezuela, is racist. Indeed, I acknowledge that. I still think it is happening, unfortunately no one is opening their mind up to that possibility or they think that I am a home wrecker, who deserves to be hexed. The family at the long table against the wall, looked possibly Venezuelan, possibly related to E, so that would explain the bad vibes directed at me. But if these people didn’t know me, this is racism, on their part. A lot of assumptions were made about me, at first glance, tonight. Many people are totally fucking with me right now. They are being cruel to me. Body shaming me. Trying every way possible to upset me. If people think the can get away with it, they go for it. They fuck with me, as much as they think they can get away with. It’s fucked up! I take everything that’s happening to me very personally. It’s a huge insult. Everyone trying to mess with my mind, shows their own cruelty. Yes, in the words of Das Efx, “Why is everybody always picking on me?” Mexican American and Latin American people are picking on me the most. I just want you to know.  You are not helping me like you. Many of you are cool and not trying to insult, offend, or mess with me. Say it in Spanish, at least, because I don’t understand what you are saying. The evil witch cackles from inside the restaurant though. They want ME to feel racism and discrimination, firsthand. This is their fully intentional motivation. Why me, though? Why is everyone targeting me? I don’t get it. I am not MAGA Republican racist. I don’t think that I am any more racist than the people who hate me are. I’m pretty cool, but to each their own. I can’t control what you think. They were even acting scared of me. If I sit inside the restaurant, with other people, will that injure or bother the other customers too much? Am I the OG Carlsbad Karen? How did I become the face of racism in Carlsbad? There really is no sympathy or compassion, for my situation. My girls suffered because people hate me. They have colds. I don’t think they coughed, that one second, that we were in the restaurant. I don’t think the decision was made as a Covid precaution. My daughters have Autism. There was no sympathy and no remorse from anyone there either. I’m not the type of bitch to complain to the owner. I’m not going to write a fucked up Yelp review, but Fuck you Forchettaboutit! I will not be back! (Or dining in, at least. Because we liked the food, you know?)

*** I know sitting outside is not the end of the world, but we usually sit inside, especially at night, when it’s cold, and my kids already have colds. We just gave the girls Covid tests this morning and the results are negative for Covid, as we thought.

Joke of the day

 They say that the economy is going to be so much better once Donald Trump is back in office.

Yeah, I hear oven makers are going to make a killing.

Between every demonized race and ethnic group, people with disabilities and mental handicaps, the mentally ill, people who are overweight, every Democrat (especially if they are outspoken) We are really going to need a lot more ovens and big ones. I have mental illness and I am obese. I’m sure there are other qualifiers, according to MAGA. I am not currently having sex with my any heterosexual white man, so what good am I? I am a goner! Make room in the oven for me!

Ultimately, if America became an all white society, people would start to see ethnic differences, among all the white European Americans here. The remaining inhabitants of America would then turn on each other . That sounds fun. MAGA is moving America towards extinction, not greatness. Let’s kill ourselves off, why don’t we? Hopefully,  Donald Trump and his cronies are just bluffing and trying to get a rise out of us. Hopefully, someone stops Donald Trump and RFK Jr. etc. Hopefully, they never have the power to do all the horrible things they promised to do while campaigning. 

Performative Empathy

 I feel like everyone gets a kick out of getting a rise out of me. It began in childhood and adolescence, continued through college, and has always been a part of my life. It’s definitely worse than ever right now. When I realized that the drugs I grew up taking, made me feel like I was stuck in a permanent bad trip, I felt trapped and blamed myself. I wished that I knew beforehand that my family had some mental health issues and I possibly had a genetic disposition towards mental illness. The drugs ultimately pushed me over the edge. I have never unstuck myself either. Medication obviously doesn’t work. 

The man who stalked me in college, continues to stalk me. There is no foreseeably end game either. I will be 50 years old in January and he still just drives past me. Should I continue to be flattered? He never forgot me! He still has feelings for me! Things were going so well without him too! I had moved on. I got married and I had my kids, like I wanted. I had a comfortable, full life. I think my mental health took a huge downturn, after I finished having my children. I wanted children. I enjoy and love my children. I don’t regret having children. I couldn’t see doing anything differently. Mr. Wonderful from college, I believe, didn’t want kids, He wasn’t ready to settle down and he would never move to Los Angeles, my hometown, with me. After college, he took time off. He enjoyed himself and sowed his wild oats. He continued to sow his wild oats I think, when he began going to medical school and eventually became a doctor. I knew, in college, that he would not make it out of medical school single. He was too cute! It didn’t help that he met some cute sorority girl and when she set her sights on him, it was all over. She is probably plenty extroverted and outgoing. There was no need to muster the strength or courage to talk to her. She probably just came up to him and started talking. They married the year I gave birth to Peter, my son, in 2010. I was enjoying my children in 2010. I had loved being pregnant, even though my husband never pampered me at all, like some women’s husbands do. Being pregnant felt wonderful and exciting.  Being pregnant gave me something wonderful to look forward to.  I looked forward to bringing each of my three sweet souls into the world. It was a sweet time. I was happy and fulfilled. I think everything would have remained good, as it was, if I didn’t think that I kept seeing that guy from college, driving past me all the time. What could he be doing here? I thought he was from Northern California somewhere? I believed that I may have had an actual option and could leave my husband, if things went downhill.  This perceived college aquaintance presence became a total distraction and a temptation for me. My husband grew cranky, from long days at work, commuting, and the stress of children. You can’t be the baby, when you have a baby, is a joke I heard. Men definitely hate the disappearance of all their free time and the reduction of spontaneity and opportunities for sex. The fact that sex was never something that I was interested in with my husband or looked forward to is telling. Did I even want the husband or just the kids? Should I leave my husband, for a man who never asked me out in college, never kept in touch, and certainly hesitated, and certainly doubted that he wanted marriage and children with me. He may have heard through the grapevine that my mental illness was a severe one. He probably didn’t even want kids at all. The timing made a future for us impossible. 

When I became convinced it was really him. I was flattered and acknowledged that I was still very attracted to Trey. I became obsessed with him and waited for him to rescue me from my imperfect life. He’s no Prince Charming, though really. He’s more like Duckie from Pretty In Pink. Is a man a sweet, potential romantic interest, if he keeps his feelings a secret, never cuts to the chase, and asks her out? That’s not sweet. That’s just a stalker! That movie weirdly romanticized stalking. I am a little messed up from it too.

Anyway, I am so tormented by my hallucinations and my delusion, that he is down here. I assume that he intends to carry me off into the sunset, but not quite sure. 

I feel like complete strangers are judging me now. Are people reading my blog? Am I home wrecker? Is that how others perceive me? I never even touched the guy! Do people think that this is my fault? Why do I think that I see celebrities driving past me all the time? I see celebrities everywhere around Carlsbad! This can’t be real! Why is everyone making fun of my double chin?

 I feel like the fat shaming has been bubbling up and now that Trump had been elected, we will be seeing fat shaming in epic proportions, along with every other form of discrimination and physical attribute that is demonized. Scary. Today I was driving my son home from school and we were near Home Depot. Some blue collar looking guy at a stop light, drove past me, and turned to go into the Home Depot parking lot. He was so cruelly motioning to his double chin. I have been getting so much of that from so many random hateful haters, but this guy did too much. He looked super mean. He looked like some asshole MAGA guy. I looked back at the hateful expression on his face and that did me in. I was thinking that this guy is just pissed because he’s broke! He looks like some MAGA asshole, who is attracted to women, yet hates women at the same time! He can’t deal with my physical imperfections. Us women really need to step it up now! So let’s create a controlling, bullshit law for that too. It’s like, what is this world coming to? Like just, push me into an oven for being fat and having a double chin, why don’t you? MAGA is the party of Nazi’s.  Looks like a lot of us will be pushed in together, I guess!! We would be sainted and martyrs too, at least! On the other hand, the MAGA afterlife burn will be long and drawn out.

After I got home, I started guilt tripping myself over what happened with the mean guy driving by. I thought, you know he’s probably a vet or something and Monday is Veterans Day. I should just chill.  He may be a police man who is helping to look into my situation too. He’s definitely not the first person to try and give me a hard dirty look and make fun of me, at the same time. I never wanted people to be jealous of me. It’s one of the hardest things for me. It’s triggering. I shouldn’t put that out there, because if I tell all of my haters, they will do just that to bug me. People love to get a rise out of me. I feel attacked by many people, at the same time, right now. Like, WTH is going on here? 

A lot of people in my circle aren’t even going to fake any compassion or sympathy for me either. You know my situation. Do you think this is all my fault? I brought this on myself? Burn me at the stake, why don’t you? Mental illness, shmillness! No one thinks schizoaffective disorder makes my life harder, in any way? My life is just a piece of cake? What part of my life, amuses you the most? The hallucinations? The delusions? The paranoia? The anxiety spikes? The hypersensitivity? The overthinking? The conclusion that I am being hexed? The possibility that I really am being hexed? I would take performative empathy, at this point. But sympathy is hard for people around me to even fake right now.

I was imagining what Syd went through, after he was tricked and kicked out of Pink Floyd. Roger tried to reach out to Syd a few times to apologize apparently, but he never reached him. People really enjoyed the music, but didn’t seem to realize or care just how fucked up what happened to Syd was. He probably disconnected his phone and tv. He didn’t want to hear about Pink Floyd or listen to their music, I am sure. He didn’t want to talk about or answer questions about them with random people. How humiliating must that have been? I would have become a hermit too. I imagine all the annoying and ignorant questions he must have been asked when he was out in public, like “Hey, aren’t you Syd Barrett? Weren’t you in Pink Floyd? What happened there? That must have sucked! To be kicked out of the band and watch then achieve huge worldwide success? That must drive you up the wall! So, how’s your mental illness doing? 

Why did Pink Floyd make all of their song subject matter about Syds mental illness? They were imagining and romanticizing schizophrenia, like it’s so cool. Who are they kidding anyway. Syd, I am sure, hated them. He is turning over in his grave every time Roger mentions him. If Syd could say anything from the after life to Pink Floyd it would be, “Oh you wrote a few songs about me? That’s so flattering? How can I ever repay you?” He’s haunting them now, for sure! Why were they never hexed? When you are the subject and inspiration, for a bands whole song catalog, can you sue for royalties?

Sorry for the long ramble.

Warding off any malevolent spirits

 I am warding off any malevolent spirits that might possibly haunt me tonight  with the help of my new friend.  I have a few loved ones who have passed on that I am thinking of tonight They are all at peace in heaven  t am certain. This snake was very comfortable with me, for some reason. He must be comfortable with my pure sweetness and innocence. He fell right asleep in my arms!

I am the funniest person I know

 I crack myself up all the time and I am shocked when people around me aren’t laughing at my jokes. I don’t get it! At one point, I wanted to be a comedy writer for sitcoms, late night talk shows, and movies. When I get this feedback that I am not funny, to other people, it’s very shocking and disappointing. It just feels like jealousy, to me. I just got a wall of text back from 2 of my female friends for this joke I shared with them.  I blame it on the fact that my humor was crafted in the politically incorrect, and wildly inappropriate 1980’s. I do have a lot of internalized misogyny that may come out in my jokes. I don’t know why I would write jokes for men or try to humor a male audience anyway. That’s so pick me, right? I blame the male dominated comedy world, that I grew up being entertained by. I have been fed a lot of jokes, from a male standpoint, that were awful, but I ended up laughing at these jokes and being entertained by men exclusively. Male humor has always made me laugh. I never got the female comedic standpoint, as there were not many female comedians who were allowed to be funny, shine, and even be given the opportunity for success. My sense of humor also grew out of a defense for bullies and I realized how good it felt to make people laugh, I guess the story of my life remains,  I have to keep laughing at my own jokes and humor myself, because I can’t rely on anyone else to do that for me since I am the funniest person I know!  I also not bother caring what people think about me. Its pointless and problematic.

Sp, in my joke, I said that I am going to make a color coded diagram for men, so they don’t upset their girlfriends or wives, when interacting with other women. (Both in front of their partners and definitely when they are not with them.) The first stage of note is simply being cordial to another woman,  on occasion, one may move up to engaging in some friendly, light banter, This should be acceptable to most reasonable persons, right? I am not saying that I am one of those persons. The progression of this interesting situation is, when a male partner gets into a longer conversation with a random woman. The trouble starts here and then when this conversation starts to run long, the concern may increase. If this male partner loses track of time, the situation moves closer into a murky, grey area that may your partner (me) extremely uncomfortable. At that point, depending on the tone, laughter, and physical proximity between you and that woman, (who is not your partner) you could be accused of flirting. This dilemma could bring about undesired consequences in your romantic relationship. So be considerate of your partners feelings and don’t get carried away.  To steer clear of any possible romantic upheaval, you should end these tempting yet ridiculous conversations, as quickly as possible.

 Ok maybe that wasnt funny and more serious than funny, but I don’t think anyone should be shocked or offended or concerned by my little vignette here. 

I personally have never been that jealous or in a situation where I seriously cared all that much about my partner, If I am recalling correctly. Honestly that was so long ago that, who knows? As everyone in my family remembers, at least, I was basically not too serious with any guys, until I met my husband. No one ever got to the point, where they came over to the house and seriously engaged my crazy family. I feel like I could potentially get paranoid and possessive with someone I was crazy about though .If he was super cute and many women around him, including my female family members, or friends were attracted to my man, I could definitely get in that headspace. It hasn’t happened yet, but I am not ruling out that it ever will. Does anyone seriously have that kind of lust, passion, and emotions running wild, in romantic relationships in the 50+ age group? I may have missed the window of opportunity for this, so I guess we’re good!