I was thinking about when I first moved to Carlsbad and my parents and I went out to explore Carlsbad Village. I thought Carlsbad truly sucked! My mother manipulated me into moving with her because I was her crutch. She didn’t want to be alone and unhappy with my father. She needed a diversion from him. I also read her motivation for moving from Los Angeles to N San Diego county was white flight. I initially noticed an abundance of white people along the coastline here. I didn’t need to see so many white people around me. I never met so many asshole white people in my life! I also thought that even the nonwhite people in Carlsbad were assholes. The beach crowd down here is so intense! These two Asian surfers with bleach blonde hair called us “such tourists” when we were walking around Carlsbad Village. I looked right back at them at started talking shit right back. I said something about how their bleach blonde hair made them look so dumb. One of the guys swung his surfboard at me and nearly hit me. I wasn’t scared because I knew they weren’t really going to hit me but I was pissed. I knew I hated it here. My mom claimed that she loved it here. “It’s like a small town,” she said. “Everyone’s so friendly!” She looks white though. With straight brown hair and blue eyes. The racist whote folks down here were friendlier to her than to me. People who work at your bank where you have a lot of money don’t count. It would behoove them to be friendly while working. They would be idiots not to be friendly to you! So, not like that counts towards measuring how friendly people from Carload are. But I did my job and stayed close to my Mom in Carlsbad until the day she died. Now I am stuck here like it or not because my children live here with their father and I could never uproot them from everyone we have come to know.
Another thing that I was thinking about today was I know my mother wanted me to move down here to be stuck in a pool of Caucasian heterosexual men and drag me to church every Sunday to increase my odds of marrying a Catholic. Personally I could have cared less about the Catholic part. So I met a Caucasian man with a good paying job who was raised Catholic like me. I can’t stand when my Dad complains that my husband is such an asshole. It’s like what are you complaining about? This was exactly what you wanted for me! I married a white heterosexual man. Don’t blame me that he was lying about continuing to practice Catholicism. I wish I knew who the hell Stephen Hawking was before I married my husband. All scientists are like my husband. They have no faith. They are condescending and think organized religion is for morons. My husband had no intention of practicing his religion into adulthood. I have no idea why he hid so much of himself from me! Why didn’t he stay in Michigan? Why didn’t he marry another geek from work? He saw me as this bitter woman who just wanted to get married! I think the reason I was unhappy was because he wasn’t the one. I have no idea why we married each other! But here we are. I will probably never move out of this house for love of a man. I will live here and take care of my kids for as long as they need me and for as long as I live!
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