Angry Incels at UC Santa Barbara in the Mid-Late 90’s

 I would never send my child (male or female) to UC Santa Barbara, where I went to college. If I could go back in time,  I would have gone to UC Santa Cruz (if I were brave enough) or to LMU where I was accepted, and just live at home. I felt safe at home, personally. I had a lock on my bedroom door and no one bothered me. Ahh! A room to myself and a lot of privacy. Sharing a room with a stranger in college was challenging for me. I was always paired up with someone super different than me and they were usually super spoiled. I was probably spoiled too but I wasn’t snooty or entitled or bossy ever, I think. Anyway after living in the Francisco Torres dorms, for my freshman year, I had already gone through two roommates. Neither of these girls did I leave liking or wanting to keep in touch with. It was definitely good riddance to them!  Then I met a pretty cool girl. She was popular and all the guys definitely liked her. She seemed to know everyone and know where all the good parties were. She was nice enough to me, so I followed her into Isla Vista. We moved to a super cool apartment right in the funnest part of Del Playa. Our downstairs neighbors were cute too and they were musicians. That was definitely the best year for me and I kept hoping something would happen with one of our downstairs neighbors or one of their friends. Nothing ever happened. I was disappointed that all the dudes there seemed to be in cahoots with each other. None of them wanted any kind of commitment or monogamy. I should have joined an intramural or another activity because no men really sought me out for friendship, that I was attracted to. They spent all day doing their thing or spending time with their “boys.” I wondered if they were even seeking women? I know they said the same thing about me. I wasn’t sleeping around and came off a bit angry so they thought that I must be gay. I was good for nothing. I definitely had a problem with the lack of security in every apartment that I lived in there. No one had locks on their bedroom doors, which I thought was crazy and definitely a bad idea. You have all these guys walking around putting in zero effort into getting to know you or develop any type of relationship in the daylight hours. Then after dark,and maybe a few beers, they would just jam outside with their band to attract a potential partner for the night? I know they would be offended at the implication that they were just playing music to attract women. “What? We are musicians! We just enjoy playing music, ok?” Well I guess that year (my sophomore year) was pretty much a blur, but some weird shit starting happening that scared me. I thought the guys downstairs were eavesdropping on our conversations. I was definitely paranoid and believe that random and unwelcome dudes came into my room while I was asleep. I did put a lock on my bedroom door, as well as replace the front door lock which was rendered useless one weekend, by someone trying to break in! Scary! So, for my third year of college, I moved off Del Playa with a new, more studious group of kids. I had my own room. I felt safe, at first, although this group of roommates were a little dull. I was naive to move into a house with boys, in addition to some girls I knew. Living in a house with boys is a terrible idea. One guy really liked me and started pursuing me and I wasn’t interested. I put a lock on my bedroom door because I thought that a guy was coming in and messing with me. Not sexually but he was pushing my head into the wall. When I locked my door someone would bang on my door while I was sleeping or maybe I imagined that? I guess now that I know what the term “incel” is, my housemate Joe was definitely that. He couldn’t accept that I didn’t like him like that. He got angry. Then this other new guy moved in and I hooked up with him when I was drunk one night early on. The dorks that I was living with, couldn’t believe it! That gossip spread so far, because I never usually did that. Some hater chick who was obviously in competition with me, told everyone! That’s not the worst of it. I was able to avoid the housemate that I hooked up with because I realized he was a pig and had a different girl every night practically so he was busy. But my total loser housemate Joe, got all pissed that I wasn’t attracted to him or whatever. He was trying to work the friendship angle, but I shouldn’t have fallen for it, because he started pressuring me more towards the end of the year. The night before school ended, I was drunk and kissed him. By the time we got back to the house I sobered up enough to tell him that I just wanted to be left alone and go to bed by myself. I knew that my parents were coming the next day to move me out. I had stupidly removed the lock from my door earlier that day, so Joe was able to get in and pull me into his room. It was horrible and awkward. I could’ve called the cops, but the acquaintance rape part of it threw me off. My other roommates had no sympathy at all! I should’ve found new roommates that summer and gotten the hell away from those hater chicks anyway. My point is, I still don’t understand why everyone is so “hang loose” and no one ever locks their doors, as if you can trust the dudes there?! Girls are so naive and the peer pressure to go along with whatever dumb idea your group of friends (usually female friends) have is crazy. I knew better, but I was trying to go along and fit in with whatever group of stupid girls I was dealing with! I definitely partied too hard for my own good, while in college. I know why I didn’t get the results that I wanted in college. I overdid the partying and put myself in dangerous situations. I had to protect myself, because no one was looking out for me and alcohol/weed blinded me, so I couldn’t really see what was happening. And I wonder why I didn’t find my husband in college, like my cousin did! It’s as much my fault, as it was any potential suitors that I may have had in Isla Vista. But I still dream about that one drummer/musician guy on Del Playa! He is definitely the best and dreamiest guy I ever met! I knew that he was perfect husband material back then and he is still the one who got away from me!!

A recommendation from my psychiatrist

So when I visited my psychiatrist this week, she recommended that I begin box breathing exercises for coping with stress, creating calm, and improving my focus. Tonight I actually followed the directions and did it correctly. It sounds so simple but I think I forgot to hold my breath last night, which is an important step! Doh! Anyway this inhaling for 4 seconds, holding my breath for four seconds, and exhaling for four seconds takes me back to my younger years. This is basically the same breathing pattern for smoking marijuana, just without the marijuana. It’s just like riding a bike. I have not forgotten how to do this! It’s all coming back to me! Maybe I never needed the marijuana anyhow. I just needed some relaxation breath work to reduce my anxiety? Anyway I am feeling relaxed now and I’m going to continue doing this daily. Hopefully this helps!

 

You will be so happy to hear this! (Maeve)

 I was talked into taking a new medication to help me relax called Buspar. I have been taking it for about a month. It has helped me relax a bit but I do think it has contributed to my 5 pound weight gain. I don’t need help gaining weight at 49 years old, perimenopausal, and on an antipsychotic. I am at a stage in my life where I am dealing with childhood issues and finally settling boundaries with my family. They don’t like my new self assertiveness and they say they don’t know where this is all coming from. I am getting pushback and they are telling me to up my meds. I complied because I see things around me and patterns in relationships that I want to change. Even with this medication, I still see things that I am unhappy with. I just hopefully will not overreact to all this in any way. 

So one thing I have felt since I moved down here  to San Diego was crazy extreme fat phobia. Beach people are the worst about this issue. There used to be this awful bumper sticker from the 1970’s that many in California coastal communities had on their bumper which said ”No Fat Chicks.” Awful and who would want to get in your beat up van anyway, you broke couch surfer? So I was reminded of that today when I took my daughter to Chipotle in La Costa. I was reminded just the other day by my brother of my prominent double chin. I would have to lose at least 20-30 pounds to get rid of it and it’s been so challenging for me. Sometimes I still feel attractive at 49 and I think men are looking at me while I am driving. Now they obviously can’t see my whole body and they also may not notice my double chin while driving by. But today in Chipotle some guy noticed and he pointed it out like some fat phobic immature bully who was trying to make me feel self conscious. We were in Chipotle and probably the only non high school students in there. I saw that he looked about 30ish but he was trying to look and dress young, as if he was about to go skateboarding. When I looked at him in line he must have noticed me looking at him and thought I was rude? I have never seen an adult man looking so offended because I looked him up and down. Maybe he thought it was rude and he was trying to say, “hey lady you are too old and too fat for me.” If that’s all it was, fine. I may sound like a bitter, rejected woman because he was so obviously not interested. But with him trying to dress so young and going to the Chipotle by LCC high school right when the students get out of school, he could be a pedo. He definitely was dressing younger than his age and I could tell he obviously wasn’t a student. But his vibe was so mean that I got a little scared. Like, how thin and young are you looking for, bro? Also, why are you still lurking here? You’re done ordering. Just take your food and go! Crazy bad vibes from him and I hope that I never see him at Chipotle again. I also hope that he can control his weirdness and any pedo tendencies he may have! Bad energy, be gone!