People who are schizoaffective or schizophrenic are very sensitive people. I am sensitive to racial tension and do not want to be called a racist. I have heard that the voices of other people tell them that they are racist too. This blog may be perceived as racist because I am a Caucasian woman talking about Santeria. I am sorry if I am prejudiced and uninformed. I do not know the first thing about Santeria, but I think about it often. The voices actually tell me more about Santeria than I care to know. I cannot explain why I hear the voices of Venezuelan people in my head. I cannot stop talking about religion and comparing  Catholicism with Santeria. Some people with psychosis think they are Jesus. I am glad that I am not one of those people, but my psychosis hurts. My voices are nasty and critical, for the most part. I am working on a short story about my mental health journey but I am afraid it will be controversial and criticized. (if anyone reads it at all) I appreciate that no one has posted nasty comments for me. Thank you for reading this and trying to understand.

 What is religious psychosis?

Most mental health professionals will encounter patients with DRC because this type of delusion is relatively common in patients with symptoms of mania or psychosis. For example, in a study of 193 inpatients with schizophrenia, 24% had religious delusions.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LrTGtpjbpxA

Here's another boring story for you. When I was a freshman in college, I disagreed with my roommate about everything. She wanted to put Beck's "Loser" on our answering machine, which I refused. After watching Beck perform last night, I am now a fan. I can laugh about it now. Could she have been right about something? Beck is pretty awesome! He cracks me up! Like my sister said at the concert, "Beck is such a dork, but he's cute!"

9/15/2017

My brother once referred to my memories of college and the people I met there, as being in Kodachrome. Kodachrome was the first color film that used a subtractive color method to be successfully mass-marketed (as per Wikipedia) It made everything look better than in black and white. The truth is, my imagination plays tricks on me and I invented many false, positive memories about college. Paul Simon said it better:

If you took all the (men) I knew
When I was single
And brought them all together for one night
I know they'd never match
My sweet imagination
Everything looks worse in black and white

Kodachrome
They give us those nice bright colors
They give us the greens of summers
Makes you think all the world's a sunny day
I got a Nikon camera
I love to take a photograph
So mama don't take my Kodachrome away 

He read my mind... This song takes me back in time. I remember feeling this way in 1998. I had just returned home from college. I was friendless and miserable. I thought I was being stalked in college. When I moved home from college, I no longer felt like I was being stalked. Did I actually miss the person that stalked me? I believed he was harmless. I missed him.  I know that sounds terrible.  But now I want to know if my brain invented the stalker. Did I make the stalker up to hurt myself?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mDsqpeiTqg8&list=LLlG-UtCmYtzlp2rJYpuHp3A&index=3

8/4/2017

So I went on this website called Disqus to their World Religions forum because I am interested in that. They claim to welcome all religions and viewpoints. I fell for that trap and got into a fight with this crazy "Pagan" woman who tore me to shreds because I am Catholic. That encounter triggered voices. She was nuts and strangely, alot like Federica.

Federica: Stupid bitch! So, what are you thinking of doing about Keith Spellman? That was me talking to you on Disqus. I am a Pagan!  What a hypocrite you are! Why do you support a pedophile religion? A pedophile Pope? Pedophilia and little boys for tea time. Be forewarned. Are you a mother? Seriously, think! I am against pedophilia and doublefaced people like you. You are hiding behind your religion because you are insecure. Did you go to Catholic school? Sick! Sick! Sick! I am not talking to you anymore. Stupid bitch! Keep going on Disqus and be yelled at by Athiests and "Pagans," so I can keep hexing you! I am not done with you yet. Be forewarned! 

7/15/2017

Esteban: Evil Esteban is still hexing you. Be forewarned.

6/29/2017

Esteban: We hate you, so we are STILL hexing you.  Be forewarned. We are repeating ourselves, on purpose. Be forewarned.

Esteban: So, what are you thinking of doing... about Keith Spellman? Be forewarned. I heard that you were in love with Keith Spellman, and he does not love you back. Be forewarned. He does not love you back.

Federica: You are having a mid-life crisis. Be forewarned. How sad! This mirrors her schizoaffective disorder so perfectly! Be forewarned!

Esteban: Remember that every evil act is only a response to another evil act. Be forewarned.

Federica: We hate you so we hope that you gain weight!

June 26, 2017

The villainous voices are like piranhas. They are bloodthirsty.  They come at you from every direction and attack. It is a feeding frenzy. They do not stop until they are finished.  You are slowly devoured. It feels like an eternity before they shut up.  They leave behind a battered, bloody mess.