My high school reunion

 My 30 year high school reunion is coming up on Saturday October 21st. I am hesitant to go. I never really fit in at my high school. I basically never went to any parties in high school. I was asked by two different guys to my senior prom but I turned them down. I didn’t want to go with either of them because I really didn’t know them nor was I attracted to them. I was previously talked into going to a prom at a different school with a guy that I was not attracted to and it was such a drag. Towards the end of the night, he started hitting on me and I wasn’t having it. Then he started pouting and I eventually asked him to take me home. I knew the drill by the time it came to my own senior prom. I was not going to go with a guy who I wasn’t attracted to. One of the guys who asked me to the prom has already RSVPd to my high school reunion. He responded that he and his wife will be there. He is happily married I am sure and good for him. He was a nice guy. He deserves happiness. My joke is: if all of the chubby guys who I rejected in high school and college,, could see me and who I ended up with now, they would definitely have the last laugh. Chubby guys who I was not attracted too, have always been attracted to me and they will shoot their shot. I guess I look approachable and I am usually single so it is assumed that I would be open to them. Little do they know that I am very picky and Iprefer skinny blonde guys. I am born and bred in California and have always lived very close to the beach. I prefer blondes, to be honest. I am single because I am picky and so be it. I would rather be single than be forced into obligatory sex with someone that I am not attracted to. 

So I am ambivalent about whether to go to my high school reunion. I feel like I would have to have an awkward conversation with the guy who I turned down for the prom because I don’t think he ended up going either. I would probably end up apologizing or something. I don’t have anything to brag about, in terms of career or relationship, so it’s a little embarrassing. Isn’t that what goes on at a high school reunion? I only kept in touch with a handful of people from high school, through Facebook. I do not want to speak to most of the people who have RSVPd, including the woman who organized the reunion. I am divorced technically. I am living with schizoaffective disorder. I am just doing the best I can, with the cards I was dealt. I would never take Stephen with me to my high school reunion because A. He is a hermit and would rather stay home. B. He has a bad attitude and I do not enjoy his company  C. I continue to be frustrated with his obesity. When I met Stephen, he was thin. He was fresh out of Jenny Craig. He would jog regularly . He made an effort to keep his weight down. I was the chubby one due  to beginning my antipsychotic use. Something about my weight made him feel comfortable. He basically let himself go, as soon as we got engaged and he locked me in. It’s crazy. After we married, I began having children and gaining more weight. He was thrilled and he ate whatever he wanted. This was beyond sympathy weight. He threw in the towel and I realized that he hated exercising. He never snapped into trying to stay fit to remain attractive to me. He could care less.  I still resent him for that. A woman I know was told by her relatives, “Now if you were thin when you were single, you would have attracted a thin husband!” I always think about that in reflection. As of late, Stephen has lost weight. After being diagnosed with Diabetes, his fear of death triggered a complete lifestyle change. He is very careful what he eats. He takes his medication. He checks his blood sugar. I am aware, that he would never have lost weight, if it weren’t for his diabetes diagnosis. He definitely would never have done it for my sake or to keep the passion alive. FYI there never was passion to begin with. I think certain people want to see me at the high school reunion just to gloat about their life ,that they are going to portray as being perfect. They would eat up all the honest details of my imperfect reality.  For the girl who thought she was too good for chubby guys, look at me now! Karma’s a bitch!

Car washes and flashbacks

 Why is going to the car wash by my house always a good trip? I enjoy the cool psychedelic colored soap they use. Fun!

I am on a roll!

 I have not been tortured enough, by my voices, to get carried away and complain about them here for 5 months! My new medication, Caplyta, has been working so well and I am not constantly hungry either. So I am feeling much better and pleased with my medication change. Unfortunately I still do creep on peoples profiles daily that I have no business looking at. I have a really hard time forgetting and moving on from college. I am still obsessed with my one male college crush but I have blocked every female roommate that I knew. I did not really consider them ever friends. It was total fakeville and they were actually pretty catty. I was peeping all the people that I blocked on Facebook tonight. I saw the roommate that I felt was the coolest of them all and I really think that she is mocking me in me in her current Facebook picture. She is wearing this curly brunette wig with blonde highlights. What can I say? She looks better than her regular, flat, brown hair but I guess haters gonna hate.

I had worse roommates than her though. I remember in my fourth year of college, I was living with a few girls, who were not kind to me. So, I start isolating myself from them. I was surprised when they invited me to New Orleans for Spring Break. I didn’t feel comfortable going anywhere with them. I was convinced that they didn’t have my back and I was petrified of the thought of going to New Orleans with them. I knew that I would not have a good time there with them. They had treated me like crap the whole year! So, I said “no thanks” and blew them off completely. I never regretted it. It’s nothing against New Orleans. You need to choose your travel companions wisely, as they could make or break your whole trip.

Here’s where it gets weird. I would get so paranoid just thinking about taking that trip there with them and all the things that could go wrong with travel companions who do not truly have your back. This is where my mental illness figures in. I have always felt that I am a bit psychic. There have been a few times in my life where I have predicted the future. Also, I have felt that my family members who have passed on, have guided me and advised me, in a way that most people are unable to hear. When I was in college, I really knew nothing about the history of New Orleans. I did remember thinking that if there was a horrible natural catastrophe, while we were on our trip, those chicks I traveled with, would have left me for dead. I did envision a flood. Fortunately for them, Hurricane Katrina did not happen for many years later.  

I thought it was merely my psychic powers that stopped me from going on that trip. But it may have been more than that. I was today years old (or very recently) when I learned that the largest lynching ever in the United States was of 11 Italian-Americans in New Orleans. It’s strange how much of American history is omitted from history books and how much is downright fabricated. Now I believe that my departed Italian family members were advising me not to go there. I felt fearful and I decided the best thing I could do was avoid that vacation destination completely. I heard that Italians in Italy know more about this historical event than most Americans. There is a song about it too, but the words are in Italian. I have been unable to find it on the internet. Of course, my parents went on to travel to New Orleans a few times and they had a lot of fun at Jazzfest as do many other people who travel and enjoy New Orleans regularly.

Valentina: What is the other reason you avoid traveling to New Orleans? You forgot to mention anything about Voodoo  priestesses in New Orleans. We know that you are deathly afraid of them. You know by now that Maeve loves New Orleans! Maeve and Trey lived there for awhile and took their breathtaking, enviable engagement photos on Bourbon Street. Eat your heart out, bitch! You passed up on Trey Sanders and when you peeped his pictures with Leigh you completely regretted your decision. Is he just so handsome in a suit and tie? He is a taken man now and he is going nowhere, so you can continue to suffer and reel in regret. Maeve may have picked up a few tricks from the friendly locals. You have already accused her of using Voodoo to hold onto her man. You are such a stupid and jealous bitch! Jealousy and delusion are a truly toxic mix. You must stay far away from Trey Sanders or you will be digging your own ditch! Be forewarned!

Hiking with a wonderful person!

 

Feeling a certain way tonight

 So I am usually paranoid concerning my future and my love life. Usually my paranoia is baseless…most likely. Tonight I want to vent about something else that is giving me situational paranoia which I believe is unrelated to my mental illness. As I have discussed before, I was raised Catholic and I aspired to continue that practice throughout my life. Well things happened. I married someone who just admitted after many years that he never considered himself a Catholic. His parents dragged him to church every Sunday and raised him to be Catholic. But as an adult he found for himself that he does not share the same beliefs as Catholics. He is a scientist by profession. He believes in evolution and things that he has found to be proven by science. At a certain point in time, my children were In Catholic school with other Catholics. I hoped that they would attend Catholic school and be raised Catholic. However Due to My children’s special needs we instead found ourselves in public schools. Public education has all the resources we need and has been beneficial to my children in many ways. My public school parent experience has brought me into contact with other parents from many different walks of life. I always loved people very different from me. I have always felt that if they are nice to me and there is a connection well that is all that matters. But sometimes I am struck with how different we all are. I have had a negative experience with someone who I thought was sort of a friend. But then I realized that he is the type of person who would not be friends with me if I ever copped to being Catholic. He didn’t know I was Catholic and he doesn’t like Catholics. Therein lies the problem. He makes Catholic jokes and Irish jokes. Some of our mutual friends think this is socially acceptable and even egg him on. I am very angry at this person for his jokes and I actually unfriended him on Facebook. Before I unfriended him for good we had a few negative interactions on Facebook in April. Our relationship just soured after I reacted to his jokes and took an indirect potshot at him. Needless to say he got my joke and he has been going postal on me every since. We both have three children on the Autism spectrum but unlike me, he always plays the sympathy card and it works. Every one loves this kook and feels sympathy for him. Not one person has taken my side in our little tiff. It’s insane. He has been going around my children’s school campaigning for sympathy and telling his side of the story. Talk about passive aggressive. He is a little bitch. He has such a huge ego that he hates to be challenged by a woman especially. He is and will always be a democrat Donald Trump. So someone bought my book The Voices on Amazon during this time. He left me an anonymous one star review. I know exactly who it is! What a dick! My book about my mental health journey is called The Voices by Danielle Flore. I am selling it on Amazon. May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Please buy my book and leave a positive review if possible. Ok end of rant.

This cat!

 My cat loves me really! She’s not giving me a dirty look or anything. That’s just how she looks. 

Everything she does is wonderful!

 My cat Cinnamon can do no wrong and she is hilarious!