2/28/2018

When I was young and dating I liked to think of myself as cool as Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City.

When I asked my boyfriend (now husband) if he agreed he said, " Not by a long shot. You are a combination of the bitter one

and the one who just wants to get married."

Well my response to that is he was probably correct about my bitterness and the reason for my bitterness has a lot to do with this blog. (but I won't get into that tonight)

2/23/18

Do other people treat you as if you were normal?

Yes, there has always been the same set of expectations on me, since I was diagnosed. This can be a blessing or a curse. My husband, for the first part of our marriage, did not believe I had mental illness, nor did he treat me any differently. I could have used more patience and sympathy at times. I grew into a denial myself and even went off my medication at one point. Now I know better and realize that I need to take care of my own mental health and not rely on anyone else to care for me. I can't let naysayers affect my judgement. He knows better now too.  Many of my friends and family do not really get it. They treat me the same as before my diagnosis. They blame my teenage pot smoking for my mental illness. It couldn't possibly be genetic. My great, great grandfather died in a sanitarium but never mind that. I am embarrassed to open up about my mental illness with most acquaintances, so I just discuss it privately with my support group and doctor. However I vent a lot on this blog and I do not know who is reading this.  I guess I am more public about my mental illness than I want to believe. I would hate discussing this with up close and personal with many people though. I do not think I would make the best mental health advocate. I have social anxiety, hear voices under pressure, and am not as educated about my own mental illness as I should be. I am still in the process of learning everything I need to know about my own schizoaffective disorder.

2/19/18

So I was on a support website for schizophrenics and someone shared a story that I could relate to. It was about how they just lost custody of their children due to their psychotic break. I wanted to share that I was in a similar situation in 2014. I was not taking my meds, was hearing voices, threw my husband out and was struggling to take the best care of the kids. I called 911 on mysel,f talking nonsense to the cops, about 5 or 6 times before being thrown in 5150 psych ward. My husband took the kids and filed for divorce while I was in the hospital. He was awarded custody and I only had visitation. I needed to get well anyway and stabilize on my meds which took years anyway. Fortunately for me, my husband did a great job with the kids & when I stabilized, we reconciled.  It took me awhile to to stabilize but I needed to focus on my own wellness. I am just happy to be reconciled with my husband and children! I feel sooo much better! The reason I share my story here is so I do not forget what happened and repeat the past! I also want to bring awareness that a psychotic person can lose custody of their children very easily, if they are not taking their medications and taking to the hospital forcibly. Fortunately my husband is stable and my children were never taken into custody.  Things could have been worse, considering other situations, that I have heard.

Unfortunately when I go to my support website, I do not often get the support I need. At this time, I do not fit in with other schizophrenics. I try to chat. I try to help, but I get snubbed a lot. The women really do not reach out to me. I have no female schizophrenic friends. Schizophrenia.com is worse than Facebook for me. You cannot block anyone on this website and I wish I could. A couple people there bug the hell out of me!  I have come to the conclusion that I fit in better now with what some people refer to as "normies" or normal people. I have a real group of friends and lots of family who support me and love me. None of them have mental illness. They may not understand my mental illness completely, but I am doing so well right now, that they barely notice my mental illness. Schizophrenia, for me especially, is an invisible illness. Unless I tell someone that I am having problems, they would never notice. I am very stable right now. I don't want to jinx it, but I feel great and rarely hear voices. It is unfortunate, but some people on my support website, seem to resent my wellness. I credit my psychiatrist, support system, and antipsychotic for my current stability. When I am taking my antipsychotic, I am very high-functioning and feel fine. I am grateful for that! This takes me back to my New Year's Resolution of caring less when someone decides they do not like me.  I need to forget about those negative individuals and work on myself. 

February 14, 2018

Someone asked me today, "What would you tell your younger self today?" I would tell her first to avoid drugs because it triggers mental illness and mental illness runs in my family. I am tempted to warn myself that Keith was not really a stalker, but just some shy guy that liked me. He was my potential soul mate (but maybe not.) He was just too immature and too shy to talk to me. I don't know what happened there. What was that? I also kept running away. In the end, it is too late now and I cannot turn back time.  So I guess I wouldn't change that. I am married to a wonderful man, who loves me, and we have three wonderful children. We are spending Valentines Day together as a family. I plan on hugging and snuggling with them a lot, as usual. I read an article today about how to boost your mood on Valentines Day, which recommended hugging your children and reaching out to friends and family. What a great idea! I will do that. Happy Valentines Day!

2/12/18

OK getting personal here. Someone posed the question today, "What was your best intimate moment?" I have to say that it was probably with myself, to be honest. My whole life I have lived in a fantasy world. I have never been madly in love with anyone, who loved me back. Soul mates are for other people. I don't even know if I believe in soul mates. My pragmatic husband does not believe in soul mates either. I think sex is overrated, for sure. Because of my antipsychotic medication, I am sure that sex will continue to be lackluster from here on out and I accept my reality. Happy Valentines Day!

So I found my daughter's makeup filter that she was experimenting with and guess what happened next? I got hooked. I know there is something better I need to be doing! LOL

"Was socialization always hard for me or just after my diagnosis?"

Well I started acting strangely in junior high. My school was more preppy and I got into heavy metal & drugs and started isolating from my peers. I totally did not fit in during high school. I was unpopular and hated everyone. I still hate a lot of people from high school for not adding me as a friend on Facebook. It is as if I never existed there. I was just a shadow.  Honestly, I remember gossiping a lot and resenting everyone for snubbing me. I graduated with maybe one friend. During college, people referred to me as strange, different, and later, crazy. I started acting erractically during the onset of my mental illness. Drug and alcohol abuse, during those years, did not help. I burned many social bridges to friendship and isolated. I got snubbed by a few good friends during my mental illness onset. I still deal with guilt for my behavior during my youth. What if I had been nicer...friendlier? What if I never wrote that mean spirited "Slam Book" in high school? Maybe then I wouldn't have such bad karma. Maybe I wouldn't have mental illness. Did I bring this on myself?

 I love this view from my walk!

Birthday Overload/Ready for the Superbowl!

Meanwhile in Southern California...