"Was socialization always hard for me or just after my diagnosis?"

Well I started acting strangely in junior high. My school was more preppy and I got into heavy metal & drugs and started isolating from my peers. I totally did not fit in during high school. I was unpopular and hated everyone. I still hate a lot of people from high school for not adding me as a friend on Facebook. It is as if I never existed there. I was just a shadow.  Honestly, I remember gossiping a lot and resenting everyone for snubbing me. I graduated with maybe one friend. During college, people referred to me as strange, different, and later, crazy. I started acting erractically during the onset of my mental illness. Drug and alcohol abuse, during those years, did not help. I burned many social bridges to friendship and isolated. I got snubbed by a few good friends during my mental illness onset. I still deal with guilt for my behavior during my youth. What if I had been nicer...friendlier? What if I never wrote that mean spirited "Slam Book" in high school? Maybe then I wouldn't have such bad karma. Maybe I wouldn't have mental illness. Did I bring this on myself?