Someone posed the question today, "why do we feel the urge to go off our meds?" I once wrote an article about it. If I could rewrite that article, I would. All that OC87 Recovery Diaries, the company that published it, got out of it was that I wanted to lose weight. They branded me as vain and paid me $500 for it. The embarrassment and judgement was not worth the money.

There was so much more to my reasoning process than that! Being on meds definately does suck, because of all the awful side effects, which weight gain is one of. But I also did not feel "sick" enough. I questioned my schizoaffective diagnosis. Was I really schizoaffective? My husband and I doubted it. After all I had not heard any voices since 1999, over 15 years.

My psychiatrist once told me that there were cases where mental patients outgrew their mental illness. They simply got better. I hoped that was the case for me. It was a dangerous idea, but I went off my meds. Chaos ensued... (I won't retell that story now) and I eventually got back on my meds.

After spending so much time unmedicated, my antipsychotic does not work as good as it used to. I now suffer occasional breakthrough symptoms and hear voices, which bring it all back. Temporary psychosis presents a great reality check to me, that I need to stay medicated.

I try to keep it in perspective and remain positive about it. The voices cue me in that I need to continually take my meds and not ever stray from my medication regimen again. I am grateful for that insight. I now know never to make that mistake again. Lesson learned!