The Voices : January 2021

Sunday, January 31, 2021

Never

We will never be “Cool” like that, under the circumstances. Don’t come around here with your old lady or your new woman, for that matter. “We’re cool.” Pfft!

Well at least I didn’t trash my family in my book.

I did tell the world about my mental illness, my emotional infidelity, and all the drugs I did in my youth. lol

From the wedding reception with my soulmate that never was...

I imagine it was beautiful though! Good times!

but I do feel amused and comforted occasionally, when I hear the stories of others who also suffer from schizophrenia. The voices have commanded me to many things while psychotic, from dangerous, illegal, to simply embarrassing. The voices always mess with me and their commands should never be obeyed. Here is one man's story where his voices commanded him to do something that would embarrass him needlessly.

"the voices keep commanding me to go to my local supermarket and shout out in front of people “i just want to say that im a virgin and proud, and the reason im a virgin is that im shy around girls, any of you girls fancy me?”

the voices keep commanding me to say things like this in my local supermarket, its very humiliating

why do the voices make me do this and how can i stop this behaviour?"

Friday, January 29, 2021

When you think you are a celebrity but you’re not

I do think I might be famous or infamous, but it’s a secret and no one is supposed to break the fourth wall to let me in on the secret. I have a mild case of the Truman show delusion but I am able to shake it off when I start experiencing these thoughts. Eventually it always fades back into reality.

😂

https://petapixel.com/2021/01/28/new-zealand-tourism-ad-pokes-fun-at-instagram-cliches/

I would be lying if I told you all these pictures didn’t make me jealous. I never made traveling a priority nor did I ever force the world to swallow all my annoying, staged vacation pictures. I am not cool with it, but that’s ok.

Wednesday, January 27, 2021

Some fresh air on my birthday

Tuesday, January 26, 2021

Prisoner of my own mind

Thanks to my mental illness,

I am a prisoner of my own mind.

Fighting the inward battle,

I barely realize what I am missing out on,

In enjoyment of the external world.

Don’t remind me of all the fun to be had out there,

Unless you intend to include me in it.

The subdivision was built over an ancient burial ground

They’re here!

I love my boy!

Top 10 signs your first date won’t work out

He shows up at your house on a Unicycle
He’s dressed in Crocs and a housecoat and cooks with a crockpot for your dinner date
He swears he got his herpes from a yoga mat
He pays for your movie using scratch and win lotto tickets
His dream job is to clean up elephant poop at the Circus
He yells into his cellphone “Pay me back what you owe me or you’re dead! Is that clear, Mom?”
The Value Village tag is showing on his new suit
He follows you to the bathroom and proposes outside of the stall
He pees his name in the snowbank underneath your bedroom window
10. He tells you that his favorite activity is making balloon animals out of his genitals

Feeling amused. I didn’t write this but it sounds about right.

Americans need to step it up!

https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/society/2021/jan/25/english-and-scottish-get-drunk-most-often-25-nation-survey-finds

Grocery store song of the day

I think I get what he is saying. The real world can be blurred occasionally or often for somebody with psychosis but I do know the difference between reality and fantasy. I prefer my fantasy world!

Sunday, January 24, 2021

Is this just a daydream?

https://bigthink.com/mind-brain/maladaptive-daydreaming?rebelltitem=4#rebelltitem4

Inside

The things going on

Inside my head

Are more fascinating than

Those outside.

For example, my dream man, Slash, Matt Sorum, and Kirk Hammett drove past me on Friday! What a day! I am glad that I didn’t go to Vegas, for the weekend, like a few of my friends did!! You guys love me! You really do!

Saturday, January 23, 2021

I need a good looking guru!

He looks like a surfer too. I am listening.

He keeps on passing me by...

Over and over again too! Love this!!

Yah talk therapy!

Happy Alone Meditation

I am tempted to say yet again...

I should have moved to Santa Cruz years ago!

Unfortunately, you cannot run away from your problems.

My marriage would have bumps in the road, in Santa Cruz, even with the most beautiful, ideal husband.

Family would still hurt me, from miles away. Fake friends and disappointing men would have found me in Santa Cruz. I would have hated my birthdays there too, if I had no one to celebrate with.

I am trying to love myself, be enough to make myself happy, and appreciate the people around me, as I begin my birthday week. I am also trying to milk my 46th birthday, for all its worth, unfortunately, no one seems to be onboard with me. Ok Namaste! 🙏

I am such a goofball and my form is bad, I know, universe!

Friday, January 22, 2021

Thursday, January 21, 2021

Relationship advice to live by

Whatever you do, don’t self-publish a book on Amazon about your relationship failing or your extramarital obsession! 😂

I got a notification email that I sold a book today, but every time I sell a book, I wonder if the buyer is just some nosy person, on the outskirts of my life, that doesn’t like me, or is it some really cool stranger who is truly interested in reading a unique book!

I think my novella, The Voices, is truly unique because it is voice-driven dialogue. When I started having an episode once, I started blogging all the horrible things that the voices were saying to me. They started telling me a story and it turned into a book. People with psychosis have a lot of eerie stories to tell. Psychosis stories are frightening! No one can tell a spooky story like someone suffering from psychosis. I find that writers block isn’t a huge issue either, because, in the moment, we are truly inspired. I take my medication religiously and advocate for that, but I still find that there are always many stories to tell. Actual events combined with the hallucinations in any given psychotic episode are really stranger than any fictional story someone could write.

Wednesday, January 20, 2021

Destiny

life,

a series of

things that

probably

should have

killed me

but somehow

didn’t, and

here i am,

carried forth

by the inertia

of what has

been and

defiantly

riding the wave

into whatever

lies ahead,

destiny

my destination

Tuesday, January 19, 2021

Sunday, January 17, 2021

Song of the day

This was played for me at the grocery store today. :)

Friday, January 15, 2021

Look

If you want to know

How things might have

Turned out without schizophrenia,

Just take a look around.

To A Guy

it’s funny,

we’re in our

forties now,

the sights

and sounds

of a youth

well lived

now behind us

as i look ahead

to a future

of getting

older and all

that it entails,

together for

all time

we will be

in my mind

Thursday, January 14, 2021

So I bought this great book of spells.

Don’t tell our secret!!

Wednesday, January 13, 2021

Waiting

Waiting for my soul mate

To magically appear

And carry me off into the sunset

Is like trying to

Punch a cloud

Tuesday, January 12, 2021

Happy Tuesday!

Monday, January 11, 2021

Anhedonia

Anhedonia is the inability to feel pleasure. I may have this, due to depression or due to life status. Many people are bubbly and can brag about events in their life. Bragging can be due to love status, career status, or general fun, such as globe trotting. I am not well-traveled, so I have never had that to brag about. Now, due to Corona, I probably never will travel the world.

Anyway I may have social media jealousy. I don’t speak about my life in a bubbly way, for the most part. I leave that up to the super successful and madly in love. I have nothing to brag about in either respect. I do have love and a good life, I just don’t view it as anything brag worthy and it’s not my aim to provoke envy.