I was today years old…

 I was today years old when I first heard this fantastic song. My new anthem! Thank you to Harry Belafonte for writing this and to the Geateful Dead for turning me onto it!

I am on Reddit

 Ok so I am on Reddit now anonymously (Flashback Daydream) which is definitely the way to go. You have every kind of anonymous asshole on Reddit. I joined a N County San Diego group to see what is happening locally and it confirmed what I have believed all along. I have lived here since I graduated college around 1999. I still feel like a tourist. People think I look like one too. It is a literal desert for diversity here. So some of the answers to this particular redditors question were pretty rude. They replied that homosexuality is not something to be proud of, so you don’t see too many outwardly gay people around here. Someone else said you don’t need to find a gay friendly space for your wife, you need to find a divorce attorney. Anyway,  it was my mothers idea to vacate Los Angeles for San Diego. I was unemployed, so she convinced me to move with her and my Dad. She said no one will rent to you with out a steady paycheck. Her and my father owned apartment buildings up there but living in one of their units was not an option, I guess. My mother thought San Diego was beautiful and her side of the family had already moved down here. I just always considered it white flight, in a way. Who are we trying to get away from and are the people in San Diego any better or nicer.? I met alot of blonde, white people down here. Many had all kinds of addiction problems and they definitely thought they were better than me, a dark haired curly Italian looking gal. I felt like the darkest person down here for a long time! A second class citizen, for sure! But I was looking around at the beach crowd like, ok girl between your hair bleach, your flat iron, and possibly from surfing, your hair is fried to a crisp! At least my hair looks healthy and I was very resistant to do what all those other girls did to look so beachy and California. I met a ton of girls with every kind of eating disorder but growing up in California, that was not new. I do feel that N County San Diego is a desert for minorities and people with alternative lifestyles. Who wants to stand out here? Conformity is the norm. I have made friends with other people in a similar space as me, over the years. A support system of nice people but I don’t know if I will ever feel completely at home here. I have known for years that my children are unique. They are all on the autism spectrum and super sweet. I do think they may all be LGBTQ+ or open minded about the issue, so I don’t know if this environment is the best for them. I said it before and I will say it again. I should have moved to Santa Cruz a long time ago.

My nemesis and the bane of my existence

 If I had waited a bit longer for my male college comrades to get out of school, grow the hell up, and be ready to commit, this would have never happened. I wanted to get married and have children. I was led to believe that I would decrease my risk of having a child with birth defects and have more children if I married younger. It was a foolish decision. Was I the one who wanted a ton of children or did my mother want a ton of grand babies? Yes I used the term grand babies because my mother was less interested in growing children and teenagers.  Her parenting was minimal as I grew. We didn’t discuss much and she definitely didn’t guide me through a safe and responsible teenage phase of life. She was less hands on as my children outgrew their infancy too. Some help she turned out to be! She promised she would always be there to help me with my children. It’s takes a village and all that mumbo jumbo that my children never ended up having. 

Anywho, I feel like Maeve is totally convinced that she  and Trey are soulmates. I believe it was more about her Type A competitive sorority girl instincts than anything. She put in a lot of work to land Trey. Dressing to the nines, flirting, and  enthusiastically initiating sex. She and her dorky East Coast friends were enamored with Trey,  this cool California blonde surfer/musician/aspiring doctor. For people from Pennsylvania, he definitely wouldn’t make it out of med school single. In California , surfers come a dime a dozen. The coolest surfers just do it and don’t spend every second advertising that they surf though. The competition is stiff for surfers in California. If you aren’t a California native and a surfer for real, normally you can forget about breaking into that world and landing a surfer. I hate watching this farm girl from New York fake it. Just dye your hair blonde, move to California, and learn to surf. She really should just give up the surf lifestyle pose. I really want to strangle her at this point. lol But why the hell was Trey frequenting undergraduate sorority parties, while he was in med school and having graduated college long before?. I feel like it was a revenge tactic to bother me. He knew I always despised sorority bitches/hoes and yes, of course, he was trying to get laid while in Pennsylvania. Whatever Maeve thinks, she lucked out completely. She is the lucky one totally and moving to California was a great move. Her hometown and college town totally suck! Well, at least I don’t have to kiss my husband’s ass daily. This bitch is on the hamster wheel of life, she is sweating that her man doesn’t even look at another woman, much less leave her in the dust. Not that he hasn’t thought about it!

Possible hallucination

 I told Stephen that I just saw Mark Mothersbaugh driving up La Costa in a tiny car that said “Devo” on it and had musical notes everywhere. I think he is worried that my medication isn’t working anymore.

Esteban: What the hell kind of hallucination is that? I am both shocked and disappointed in your nerdyness! Be forewarned!

My high school reunion

 My 30 year high school reunion is coming up on Saturday October 21st. I am hesitant to go. I never really fit in at my high school. I basically never went to any parties in high school. I was asked by two different guys to my senior prom but I turned them down. I didn’t want to go with either of them because I really didn’t know them nor was I attracted to them. I was previously talked into going to a prom at a different school with a guy that I was not attracted to and it was such a drag. Towards the end of the night, he started hitting on me and I wasn’t having it. Then he started pouting and I eventually asked him to take me home. I knew the drill by the time it came to my own senior prom. I was not going to go with a guy who I wasn’t attracted to. One of the guys who asked me to the prom has already RSVPd to my high school reunion. He responded that he and his wife will be there. He is happily married I am sure and good for him. He was a nice guy. He deserves happiness. My joke is: if all of the chubby guys who I rejected in high school and college,, could see me and who I ended up with now, they would definitely have the last laugh. Chubby guys who I was not attracted too, have always been attracted to me and they will shoot their shot. I guess I look approachable and I am usually single so it is assumed that I would be open to them. Little do they know that I am very picky and Iprefer skinny blonde guys. I am born and bred in California and have always lived very close to the beach. I prefer blondes, to be honest. I am single because I am picky and so be it. I would rather be single than be forced into obligatory sex with someone that I am not attracted to. 

So I am ambivalent about whether to go to my high school reunion. I feel like I would have to have an awkward conversation with the guy who I turned down for the prom because I don’t think he ended up going either. I would probably end up apologizing or something. I don’t have anything to brag about, in terms of career or relationship, so it’s a little embarrassing. Isn’t that what goes on at a high school reunion? I only kept in touch with a handful of people from high school, through Facebook. I do not want to speak to most of the people who have RSVPd, including the woman who organized the reunion. I am divorced technically. I am living with schizoaffective disorder. I am just doing the best I can, with the cards I was dealt. I would never take Stephen with me to my high school reunion because A. He is a hermit and would rather stay home. B. He has a bad attitude and I do not enjoy his company  C. I continue to be frustrated with his obesity. When I met Stephen, he was thin. He was fresh out of Jenny Craig. He would jog regularly . He made an effort to keep his weight down. I was the chubby one due  to beginning my antipsychotic use. Something about my weight made him feel comfortable. He basically let himself go, as soon as we got engaged and he locked me in. It’s crazy. After we married, I began having children and gaining more weight. He was thrilled and he ate whatever he wanted. This was beyond sympathy weight. He threw in the towel and I realized that he hated exercising. He never snapped into trying to stay fit to remain attractive to me. He could care less.  I still resent him for that. A woman I know was told by her relatives, “Now if you were thin when you were single, you would have attracted a thin husband!” I always think about that in reflection. As of late, Stephen has lost weight. After being diagnosed with Diabetes, his fear of death triggered a complete lifestyle change. He is very careful what he eats. He takes his medication. He checks his blood sugar. I am aware, that he would never have lost weight, if it weren’t for his diabetes diagnosis. He definitely would never have done it for my sake or to keep the passion alive. FYI there never was passion to begin with. I think certain people want to see me at the high school reunion just to gloat about their life ,that they are going to portray as being perfect. They would eat up all the honest details of my imperfect reality.  For the girl who thought she was too good for chubby guys, look at me now! Karma’s a bitch!

Car washes and flashbacks

 Why is going to the car wash by my house always a good trip? I enjoy the cool psychedelic colored soap they use. Fun!

I am on a roll!

 I have not been tortured enough, by my voices, to get carried away and complain about them here for 5 months! My new medication, Caplyta, has been working so well and I am not constantly hungry either. So I am feeling much better and pleased with my medication change. Unfortunately I still do creep on peoples profiles daily that I have no business looking at. I have a really hard time forgetting and moving on from college. I am still obsessed with my one male college crush but I have blocked every female roommate that I knew. I did not really consider them ever friends. It was total fakeville and they were actually pretty catty. I was peeping all the people that I blocked on Facebook tonight. I saw the roommate that I felt was the coolest of them all and I really think that she is mocking me in me in her current Facebook picture. She is wearing this curly brunette wig with blonde highlights. What can I say? She looks better than her regular, flat, brown hair but I guess haters gonna hate.

I had worse roommates than her though. I remember in my fourth year of college, I was living with a few girls, who were not kind to me. So, I start isolating myself from them. I was surprised when they invited me to New Orleans for Spring Break. I didn’t feel comfortable going anywhere with them. I was convinced that they didn’t have my back and I was petrified of the thought of going to New Orleans with them. I knew that I would not have a good time there with them. They had treated me like crap the whole year! So, I said “no thanks” and blew them off completely. I never regretted it. It’s nothing against New Orleans. You need to choose your travel companions wisely, as they could make or break your whole trip.

Here’s where it gets weird. I would get so paranoid just thinking about taking that trip there with them and all the things that could go wrong with travel companions who do not truly have your back. This is where my mental illness figures in. I have always felt that I am a bit psychic. There have been a few times in my life where I have predicted the future. Also, I have felt that my family members who have passed on, have guided me and advised me, in a way that most people are unable to hear. When I was in college, I really knew nothing about the history of New Orleans. I did remember thinking that if there was a horrible natural catastrophe, while we were on our trip, those chicks I traveled with, would have left me for dead. I did envision a flood. Fortunately for them, Hurricane Katrina did not happen for many years later.  

I thought it was merely my psychic powers that stopped me from going on that trip. But it may have been more than that. I was today years old (or very recently) when I learned that the largest lynching ever in the United States was of 11 Italian-Americans in New Orleans. It’s strange how much of American history is omitted from history books and how much is downright fabricated. Now I believe that my departed Italian family members were advising me not to go there. I felt fearful and I decided the best thing I could do was avoid that vacation destination completely. I heard that Italians in Italy know more about this historical event than most Americans. There is a song about it too, but the words are in Italian. I have been unable to find it on the internet. Of course, my parents went on to travel to New Orleans a few times and they had a lot of fun at Jazzfest as do many other people who travel and enjoy New Orleans regularly.

Valentina: What is the other reason you avoid traveling to New Orleans? You forgot to mention anything about Voodoo  priestesses in New Orleans. We know that you are deathly afraid of them. You know by now that Maeve loves New Orleans! Maeve and Trey lived there for awhile and took their breathtaking, enviable engagement photos on Bourbon Street. Eat your heart out, bitch! You passed up on Trey Sanders and when you peeped his pictures with Leigh you completely regretted your decision. Is he just so handsome in a suit and tie? He is a taken man now and he is going nowhere, so you can continue to suffer and reel in regret. Maeve may have picked up a few tricks from the friendly locals. You have already accused her of using Voodoo to hold onto her man. You are such a stupid and jealous bitch! Jealousy and delusion are a truly toxic mix. You must stay far away from Trey Sanders or you will be digging your own ditch! Be forewarned!