General Fathers Day message

Even if you have a lot of room to grow in terms of fathering/participating in your children’s lives, you have to be feeling like a better father than Rex Huermann right now. He is making many fathers look a lot better. Two days before Father’s Day Rex’s prosecutor had a press conference humiliating Rex’s daughter at the very least, about her computer search history while she was a minor and living in their familial home. If she had nothing to do with anything or knew nothing about his father’s alleged double life and she was just an eccentric teenager with possible psychological issues, her issues were no doubt magnified at first hearing the news about her father’s charges/arrest. Now she must feel even more devastated, as if she could hurt anymore.. I hope that someone is helping her psychologically during this time. I do worry about her right now and I do believe she will benefit from counseling and medication for the rest of her life. She is a victim of her father no doubt. I don’t know what the family knows, but looking at pornography is actually a threat to all teenagers and anyone who has access to the internet. There is a lot of crap on the internet that is harmful to the average person. Porn, in any form, is detrimental to our minds, the way we view the world, and the way we behave in relationships. What makes the porn that Huermanns attorney looks at any safer or acceptable than what she has been allegedly found browsing? It’s all bad but many persons would hate for you to take away their access to pornography. That’s just my point of view, in case you were wondering.

I also want to say that as a female, and a mother, I recognize and appreciate the fact that Mother’s Day comes before Fathers Day in the American calendar year. When your husband, partner, or simply the father of your children does nothing for you on Mother’s Day, you can always match his energy on Fathers Day. It’s good to see his attitude and pattern of effort or lack thereof  so you can reciprocate it when his day comes up. I appreciate the father’s of the world who are present and actively parenting to the best of their ability though. I do understand that the way that we were parented has a marked effect on the way we are as parents. We are in a new era now, where more is expected of us in terms of parenting. We need to establish new healthy relationships and contributions as parents to their children, even when our childhood and parent influence might have been less positive and pleasant.

Of course he does!

 

Post run showing off pic

 Yes I went running today! This old broad actually made it up the hill and back!

I definitely have a type!

 I was in high school when a friend called my bluff for telling her that I wasn’t attracted to Robert Plant. I said that wasn’t attracted to anyone in Led Zeppelin. She told everyone in high school who would listen that I was a liar and a Led Zeppelin poser! Anyway I do have a pattern of being attracted to men with wild blonde lions mane wild curly hair.  He’s not even wearing any shorts or pants here. Even if Robert Plant weren’t a famous rock star, he would still be very popular with women, as he is objectively good looking.  The men that I have desired the most in my life all look a bit like Robert Plant.. They definitely have a great and full head of hair! As I draw closer to 50 years old, the pool of men my age who  look like the man in this picture has shrank to a small muddy pool. My hair is graying along with the men my age. I color my hair but want a man to fall in love and age with someone who loves me for me and would let me age naturally like he is. True non conditional love is letting someone age and continuing to love them and be kind and loyal to them. But what do I know? I want to connect with someone who I am attracted to from the get go like men always do. I’m a total hypocrite because there is a fine line in regards to what I will put up with. In terms of letting yourself go, there is a limit to my tolerance level. My husband’s weight climbed to almost 400 pounds during our marriage. I also want to make sure I don’t hook up with someone who doesn’t care about keeping the sparks flying in our relationship which requires effort.  I would draw a line in the sand as shallow as that sounds. Men leave relationships for that reason all the time and get raked over the coals when they admit it. I’m just saying, two can play that game.  Women’s  satisfaction in a romantic relationship also involves feeling attracted to their partner. That’s all!

A friend of a friend?

 Well this could be a random ploy by Facebook dating  to get me to join or it could be my secret admirer (George Harrison) who drove right past me yesterday!

My cry for help hasn’t changed since 2014.

 I remember being admitted to the hospital emergency room for observation and complaining that I believed my enemies were poking holes in the back of my voodoo doll. The nurse rolled her eyes and said, “So you’re saying you would like some Tylenol for pain relief?” That’s not what I was saying. This was the first time I felt strong back pain for what was diagnosed as arthritis in my back. A few years later I got my back xrayed, which also revealed that  I have degenerative disc disease. I am still not entirely convinced that there isn’t someone so threatened by me and so hateful that they are poking holes in a voodoo doll of my likeness which is contributing to my predicament. If only I didn’t believe in the possibility that people can make things happen through harmful and powerful magic spells. I don’t know that it’s possible or impossible as I have no proof either way. I was raised in a conservative Catholic background and had never met anyone that far out of my circle for years. By now, in my mid 40’s, I have met a few people that said they have family members who dabbled in that, as they were growing up and throughout their lives. They have seen some things and they know enough to stay far away from witchcraft It is nerve wracking to hear that point of view, because I would like to comfort of telling myself that it is impossible. I have such luck!

Celebrating Mothers Day with you in spirit!

Tomorrow is Mothers Day so my plan is to focus on all of the good things about my mother. We did have a great relationship. My mother was affectionate and supportive. She complimented me and encouraged me in different ways. My brain tends towards negativity and ultimately twists my memories to think negatively about my Mother. I am not sure it’s even accurate and it diminishes all of the wonderful things that she did for me. I am not going to spend Mothers Day being ungrateful to her or blaming her for the direction of my life when I have had a pretty cushy life thanks to her good advice. What am I complaining about anyway? I have a great life and I love being able to stay home with my children. It is what I wanted and no regrets for this decision ultimately.

My children’s grandmother, my ex mother in law is also deceased. We were estranged at the time of her passing. I initially liked her. We were both Aquarians. I think that my husband thought we were similar in some ways and us getting along well together comforted him. I didn’t outright kiss her butt though. I loved and appreciated that I never was dragged back to Michigan to win over Stephen’s entire family. I don’t know how that would have gone. Not seeing his childhood home and meeting his extended family back in Michigan kept his childhood much of a secret from me at the same time, which wasn’t good for me. His mother was 1/2 Irish like me and also 1/2 French. She was unfortunately a bit racist and prejudiced against Italians. Little comments were made here and there which were insulting . She talked about Italians as being linked to the mafia. She had Italians in her family as her sister married an Italian man. I would just look at her puzzled and offended.  I have Italian family up and down Southern California. From Santa Barbara down south to where we live. I have met many California Italians. My Dads generation was more segregated and he hung out with many Italians in Los Angeles .Before that, my Dads parents both belonged to the Italian Confederation of Santa Barbara where local Italians would meet up . They know every Italian in Santa Barbara basically.We never met or heard of any local mafia ever. My Dad got into plenty of trouble in his youth but no one ever hit him up to join the mafia! No one does that in California. That’s strictly East Coast and Italy I guess, which I have never even visited. My ex-mother in law used to also question openly why Stephen chose me? “He always liked blondes! I thought he was going to marry a blonde after moving to California?!” I prefer blondes too lady! I really do! Quit reminding me of that and rubbing it in! Someone who hates the beach and doesn’t like breaking a sweat would never land a California blond beach bunny. I mean get real! She thought her son was totally out of my league looks-wise, no matter what he weighed! lol 

I do notice the wife of my dream man from college, who got away, is continuing her tradition of sucking up to his Mom. That’s great that she loves and honors her no doubt! I am jealous of their friendship definitely! I can’t undo her years of sucking up to B- She loved and adored K- which I totally get! She strategized winning over his family. I believe it’s a carefully procured facade. Isn’t she wonderful? The perfect wife, daughter in law, friend! I can’t undo her years of work building a bond with his mother. I would probably never be accepted by Ks mom. She will always view me as a home wrecker of sorts, even though it’s K who started this! K’s mind has always wandered down to me in Carlsbad. The choice is his, whether to stay in Santa Cruz with his wife or move down here to me. He appears to be torn. I’m anticipating more pictures of K with his Mom and gushy tributes from his wife to her mother in law this Mothers Day. At nearly 50 years old, I doubt that I would have time to truly win over Ks mother, sister, and friends. Acceptance would be wonderful. Wouldn’t it be nice to move on together as seamlessly as possible?! Manifesting this is my hope and my ultimate goal! Happy Morhers Day to you in Santa Cruz!

 Well back to reality. I should take a moment to reflect on my own Motherhood journey. I love my children who have dealt with some challenges and rocky times. I cherish living in the same home with my children and continuing to nurture them into their teenage years. You do have to continue parenting in these teenage years. I am conscious that my children still need me and I need to switch gears as their needs change! I am so happy to be out of the trenches of diaper duty! I didn’t mind at the time but I was young and had more energy too. I was invested in my children and enjoyed them when they were my cute little babies. I am enjoying these years too though. I enjoy watching their growth and progress. I love where we are at and the time is flying by with my oldest about to graduate high school. Sigh! Despite my mental health challenges, I think that I am a great mom (not perfect) who is present and heavily involved in her children’s lives. I’m cheering my children on and wish them as much success and independence as possible. They are very bright and hardworking, which is a great combination. As a mom to children on the Autism spectrum, I will be a lifelong caregiver I predict. I am ready for this possibility and I am in this for the long haul. I look at it this way, I will never have to suffer from Enpty Nest syndrome like many other moms. My children will most likely stay fairly close by. I want them to be independent but I  also want them to choose to remain close to me. We’ll see how that works out! Manifesting my children’s independence and them choosing to continue having close bonds with their parents. Amen to that and Happy Mother’s Day to me!!