I must be having delusions of grandeur. I have zero active followers, but there have been 12,349 all-time page views for this blog. I feel really good about this! Google blogger allows transliteration into one language and I chose to have my blog translated into Russian. That must be how I got 112 Russian page views! You like me, you really like me! If you want to hear more, you can always buy my short story, "The Voices," written by me (Danielle Flore) available on Amazon Kindle. "The Voices" is my partially fictitious autobiography & mental health journey. Thank you for visiting my blog!!

United States	11459
France	223
Russia	112
Germany	62
Poland	30
Australia	28
Canada	17
Switzerland	16
Serbia	14
Italy	9

Joke of the day: A narcissist goes on-line to rate his doctor and writes...

"I'm the best patient he's ever had."

12/28/2017

I was just on this message board that I frequent and saw the most interesting thread.  Other people discussed times that they had no control over their voice. It was as if a voice was speaking through them.  This happens to me, in private only, when I am listening to music. I have had the experience where I have no control over my lips and start singing the lyrics to songs that I never heard before or never paid attention to the lyrics.  How do I miraculously know all the lyrics to these random songs that I have never heard before? Someone said that they felt like a demon was speaking through them. That is exactly what it feels like. Esteban knows all the lyrics to every song that comes on the radio and he starts singing in my ear. It is even more aggravating when my lips start moving and I start singing. This happens to me usually when I am driving alone in my car. I am just glad that I am not the only person that has these scary experiences.  I do feel that, in addition to being schizoaffective, I am slightly clairvoyant/intuitive/sensitive. How else would I know every word to every new song I hear on the radio? Bizarre.

Over the summer, at a family party, I warned a family member about the fire in Santa Barbara. I had a glass of wine and started pacing. I was nervous. I started discussing the recent fire there and they assured me that the small fire was over now. A few months later Santa Barbara had the biggest wildfire in California's history.

In college, I think I sensed Hurricane Katrina. I was invited to go to New Orleans with a group of young ladies, my college roomates. I gave them an emphatic "no." I did not want to be in a unpredictable place with these ladies. I assumed that they would be no help to me in an emergency situation. I thought they could care less about me and were totally selfish. I surely did not want to drink in excess, in this wild place, with these young women. I did not feel like they were good enough friends to travel to New Orleans with. When Hurricane Katrina hit, I kept flashing back to my resistance to going on that trip. Hurricane Katrina was devastating to New Orleans. Watching the footage of Hurricane Katrina was painful to watch and kept reminding me of those women.

12/27/2017

So, I am happy to say that I had a voice-free Christmas. Either my medication worked, or Esteban and Federica were too busy to bother me. Maybe the hex is finally over! I am trying to be optimistic, but I know that my illness is life-long and prone to unexpected breakthrough symptoms. I cannot remember the last time I had a voice-free holiday. I am hopeful that 2018 will be better than 2017, but I don't want to jinx it. Thanks for taking the time to read my blog. Best wishes to you for good health and happiness in the new year!

**My New Years Resolutions are to do more yoga and to accept more peacefully when someone decides that they do not like me.

**Today I am making an addendum to my New Year's Resolutions since some jerk at Von's just made a fat joke at my expense. I ordered 4 fried chicken legs for my kids. (not the healthiest thing to feed them, I know) Then this guy spouts off, "4 fried chickens and a coke? I thought that's where you were going with that." He really deserved to be punched in the face for that. So I will add lose weight to my New Year's Resolutions.

 HAPPY NEW YEAR!! I am posing with my sister Gina in the picture above. My nose is still red from my Moh's Surgery. They cauterized my wound which is why (I think)  I am still red. I am just glad my doctor removed the skin cancer. I am hoping and praying for a cancer-free new year. 

Joke of the day:

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic and so am I.

Bill Murray

(1950 – ) American actor & comedian

Self TV/Movie Quotes As Bob Wiley in “What About Bob?” Schizophrenia

12/13/2017

So I was just on this other website chatting with other mentally ill people and the question was asked "Have you ever been embarrassed or made a fool of yourself because of your mental illness?" I thought of two incidences real quick that were funny, but embarrassing. I forgot to mention either of these in my book. (Oh well)

So first, when I was not taking my medication, I was driving around, trying to escape the voices, and get spiritual help. So I drove to the Mission San Luis Rey in Oceanside. I wanted to speak to a priest but it was night time and they were all asleep or something. I saw this big family having a party. They were Mexican-American and postively Catholic. I walked up to them and started asking people if they practiced Santeria or if they knew anyone that did. I think one guy looked it up on his phone, having no idea what I was talking about. There was a time when I asked anyone that looked Latin if they could help me. They were all Catholic. Needless to say, I was eventually told that this was a private party and asked to leave. I walked away sulking. I actually believed someone there would be able to help me...at a Catholic mission.

So I also drove out to Gila Bend, Arizona, without my purse, until I ran out of gas. I had driven all night. I was exhausted. The voices had been messing with me all night. I saw a dingy motel on the side of the road. Esteban had been messing with me the whole drive and out of nowhere I started talking to the front desk staff about the comedian, Tom Green. Esteban told me to ask them if Tom Green was staying there. I told them that Tom Green had reserved a motel room there and I was supposed to meet him there. The girls at the front desk had a good laugh over that. They told me that there was no Tom Green staying there.  Out of all the places in the world, Tom Green was not there. I am guessing he has never even been there. It is a hole in the wall.

So there you go, two times I was embarrassed by my mental illness.

Joke of the day: Two schizophrenics walk into a bar and one asks the other 'what are you doing here'

the other person says 'i thought you'd know.'

Opening up publicly about my mental illness...

So in the past few months, I opened up publicly about my mental illness. I talked about it to my family and Facebook friends, on Twitter, and on this blog. The first phase of opening up is dealing with everyone's different reactions to me. My family and close friends already knew. They were supportive. But there are a few people who are flipping out. I definately feel the stigma right now. I hope that we can move past this soon and people will go back to saying hi to me around school. I feel judged right now and, sort of, like a circus freak. Some moms at my children's school are avoiding me and today they were even pointing and whispering. I may be merely paranoid. There is so much more to me than my mental illness. My medication works great. I am high-functioning and barely notice my mental illness, on most days. I knew there existed the chance that I would be judged or mocked for publicly admitting my mental illness. The reality sucks though.

Pictures from my Moh's surgery

So, I know I look like a deer in the headlights here. The voices have been wishing cancer on me for years. Well a few months ago, their wish came true. I noticed a bit of cancer on my nose.  It turns out, I had basal cell carcinoma. I feel like the cancer came out of nowhere. Growing up in California, I wasn't a beach baby or anything. But due to a lack of awareness about sunscreen, when I did go to the beach, I got a few nasty sunburns. After scheduling my Moh's Surgery, I tried to sort out my feelings about the cancer. I joked about feeling "very California" and "actually Irish." But waiting weeks for my surgery got to me. I had cancer but had to wait for an appointment to get rid of it. So finally today I had my Moh's Surgery from the best Moh's doctor in Del Mar. (Dr. Jeffrey Eaton) I highly recommend. He is kind of a flirt though. ;) Having cancer on your nose is humbling. I might have to have reconstructive surgery.  I do not know what to expect when I take the bandage off. On the bright side, considering today was very scary and stressful, I barely heard any voices. My Vraylar was working and I did not even take any Xanax. So I consider today a win. I am now cancer-free and hope to stay that way. 

I am reposting a video here that I actually pulled a lot of wisdom out of. LOL I just found this fascinating. (Maybe my fixation with musicians has something to do with it.) I especially like what he has to say about guilt and how it affects him. I can relate to it. I did not know that Jonathon Davis from Korn suffered from schizophrenia. Like him, I also want to stay mentally healthy for my children.  I have three children that I need  to and want to be mentally available for.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=inWBj52ZRu4DQ