I keep seeing a monster in my dreams too.

Brian Laundrie is looking very much like Evil E here. This is basically Evil E in a few years after he loses all of his hair.  I would pray for that, but God has bigger fish to fry with these assholes. My friends are not using their abilities for what could be called “magic” for any malicious intent. Yay for that! What if they did to the whole U family, including Maeve, what they feel justified in doing to me, just a little shit talk. Shit talk is the least of everyone’s worries though. Your family has  alerted to the whole world the scope of possibility to create peace and havoc with magic. No one can believe what they are hearing and witnessing! That will be your legacy. If you wonder why no one has stepped in to stop you, it is because we want to know everything that you are doing to further punish you and to protect the American population from this type of criminal mischief. I am waiting patiently to see how to fight this and how long they will lock you up for! I am waiting and wondering what other things in my world and in the greater world, you have f’d up. I mean people and situations in the world you have f’d up. I don’t trust you at all, so it’s not like we would find any honest answers out  from you. If only we had a way of having someone else or having someone show us how to do magical sleuthing. We may then have more success investigating and solving more crimes. So thank you Evil E, for that. 

 I keep seeing your sad and pathetic cousin Maeve, driving past me and giving me the dirtiest of looks. I am not scared of her. I am annoyed at her attempts to draw sympathy from people and at guilt tripping me. I ask again, why do people try to use magic to attract or keep a partner who is feeling lukewarm, is keeping their options open, has a wandering eye, or for whatever reason wants out of the relationship? Get over it! You deserve better, right? The sooner you let them go, the sooner you can find a mate that is into you and could see themselves in it for the long haul. K was always distracted and sneaking down to Carlsbad, correct? He was not a perfect husband by any means. He was not honest about his conflicted mind. You thought you would try Santeria to fix that but it didn’t work. I really don’t know why you are here in Carlsbad, Maeve. He is not with me, but I don’t think he’s coming back to you. Continuing with this childish nonsense is only messing with your ex and his life. Me and you Maeve, we have zero sympathy for each other and it will probably always be that way. I truly think that you are doing yourself a disservice in the dating arena with this. The only man who would openly embrace your baggage, and your witch family would be another witch. You probably won’t find another sweet surfing successful man like K! What type of man would feel comfortable and go along with all of your nonsense? But best of luck to you in that regard! It would have to be someone as petty as you who for some reason goes along with all of your silly antics, showing off and messing with the minds of your enemies. Good luck to him, especially if he decides to leave you!

My encounter

 https://www.nativehope.org/missing-and-murdered-indigenous-women-mmiw/

Please click on the link above to read more about the staggering amount of indigenous women who are missing persons. 

I was eating lunch at Las Olas in Cardiff and I noticed a woman looking at me, as if to make eye contact. We shared a moment. She was staring into my soul and spoke a nonverbal statement to me.I couldn’t understand what she was saying by words or body language. I had a tough time reading her. I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable but I may have. I had never seen her before. My first instinct was that this may be a woman who knows me although we had never met before.  I thought she may have been a Native American woman from a local tribe. Maybe she heard about my situation and that they were helping me.

I do have a single Native American family that I know. They are very kind and agreed to help me. It is a great act of kindness and friendship on behalf of them. It’s something that I am in awe of. I don’t deserve their help, but I am forever grateful. I just want to say thank you. I should have started earlier to put this out there, as well. I have been watching the news about the new Gabby Petito documentary, that her parents just released. I am heartbroken for them. I second the statements that her family is putting out into the universe, asking for the same energy be put into finding the other missing persons of every race, ethnicity, religion, and gender. 

I owe it to my heroes, to research further the staggering amount of missing indigenous women. Where are they? What happened to them and because of whom? The same amount of energy and resources should be put into finding them. 

. https://www.acls.org/fellow-grantees/matthew-wolfe/

A year ago, this man, Matthew Wolfe, reached out to me, because I was on a Missing Persons list at the beginning of this hex. Matthew is researching Missing Persons. He wanted to hear my story. I think my story seemed a bit off. Admitting my mental health diagnosis, made my missing persons story sound even more unrealistic. He was the person who first made me aware of the “white woman syndrome,” where the public gloms onto and gets super fascinated about stories about missing white woman. Unfortunately individuals who aren’t of that demographic, don’t get the same public interest or trigger the same motivation to find. Many don’t consider me to be necessarily pretty or white, but I think because crime and news is slow around here, I am getting help. I also have family and friends who are working to help me. Anyway I may not be missing, but I may not be out of harms way. 

I am alive though, which is more than my indigenous female counterparts. My situation is tame, compared to theirs. My circumstances are gossip and entertainment fodder. People are fascinated that something different, taboo, and scandalous is happening locally. People are tripping out at the possibility that magic might be real. When I think too much about it, I start questioning my take on reality. Is everything that I am believing actually happening, because no one will give me a straight answer?  

I want everyone’s help. I will definitely ask for and accept help, from any kind soul that will help me. If you have got magic, that could help me, let’s see it! At the same time, I don’t know how to repay those who are helping me in that way.

 I am glad that Leopard Peltier was freed!  I have been following this story lately. I do see the unfairness of him being targeted and arrested for a murder, when there was no direct concrete evidence to convict him. Beyond a shadow of a doubt? According to who? There is a huge power imbalance in situations like his. Police wanted to prosecute someone, in order to appear competent and as “winning.” They may also wanted to soothe their egos and the irrational fears of racist community members? 

If a Native American shaman and/or tribe were helping me though, it does beg the question, am I getting preferential treatment? Why aren’t they (law enforcement and local community members who are blessed with magical abilities) finding the missing indigenous women, as many of these missing persons cases have been unsolved for longer than mine? I know it’s unfair, and I may be getting preferential treatment. When I complain about how long it is taking to end this. I should think instead, of the many family and friends of missing persons who are saying “join the club and wait your turn!” My case has gotten more attention than many other criminal cases. I am grateful. My goal is to be appreciative and mindful of the stories of other missing persons and unsolved crime victims. I know that I should speak on and give energy to their stories, while people are still paying attention to me and this story. 

The Leonard Peltier situation of being wrongly prosecuted is actually helping me to lower my expectations for an eventual end and prosecution for the individuals hexing me. What proof do I actually have? No one wants another Salem Witch Trial or wrongful prosecution, if the idea of magic is not something that can realistically be prosecuted. There is no specific law outlining the illegality of using magic to mess with, spy on, and attack people. Maybe this falls under the umbrella of criminal mischief? I hope these individuals are stopped and put in jail though!

Esteban: She didn’t look into your soul! She looked at you! There’s a difference. You are putting a lot of weirdness onto Native American people. Native Americans are not interested in helping you, so be forewarned! They would not help a bitch like you, just so you know.  I know you have been looking at my Instagram stories, Danielle. See me living my best life in Venezuela? I am zen-ed out just hiking and doing yoga! No one would ever know that I was at all pissed about having to move back here or at anyone in particular for ruining all my good times and aspirations while living in the United States. You should know by now! I’m pissed and I will never stop hexing you, so be forewarned!

Two old songs that dropped bombs

Off topic (kind of): I don’t know if I already posted these videos. Growing up I enjoyed listening to (mostly) male artists, especially those that I was attracted to. I definitely favored artists and bands that I thought were good looking. I do know now, that I probably shouldn’t have been listening to much of it. In grammar school and junior high, I missed a lot of what was misogyny or what were offensive in other ways, or that could have a negative influence on me. I believe it ended up messing with me, because I liked the songs or bands that I now know are considered offensive. I started excusing a lot of musicians and song lyrics that I now feel conflicted about. This translated into excusing much male bad behavior (in my life) that should have been addressed or been a red flag to me. I still like these songs and bands, but I am a little embarrassed about it. I don’t want other people (women especially) to know that I still listen to these songs from my youth and be judged for it. 

I do have two different songs that I can think of, that are by male artists that I really like, but there were parts of these songs that I was always confused by. I thought the lyrics were a little silly, maybe? Maybe it was written hastily because there were parts of the lyrics that didn’t make sense to me. Very recently, I went back to these two songs, feeling nostalgic for them. I had these AHA moments, and I finally understood that they used double talk to address very serious and dark issues. They must have been afraid to explicitly speak about these issues back in the day. 

In the 1980’s I was a young kid whose parents listened to country music. I really only seriously liked Willie Nelson. I especially liked “On the Road again” and his song “Mama Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys.” I am not sure if this song was specifically about another country artist or just certain men, in general. Anyway I just figured out what Willie was saying in the verse right in the middle of the song. The verse begins “Cowboys like smoky ol’ pool rooms and clear mountain mornings, little warm puppies and children and girls of the night. Them that don’t know him, won’t like him, and some guys won’t know how to take him. He ain’t wrong, he’s just different but his pride won’t let him do things to make you think he’s right.” Now that’s some double talk! It took me years to figure that all out because that is ALOT. Also, I am a female who doesn’t think or understand from the male perspective. For most of my life, I was not fully aware of the difference in male and female libido and the extent of male desire for new, novel, and possibly harmful and illegal sexual experiences. I am usually shocked and unprepared for the frequency men want sex and I don’t share their “out there” sexual interests. (Certainly not anything kinky) Men don’t find “kinky” to be a dirty word. This is a huge problem for me. I also hate being told that if I were more open to frequent sex and whatever way my partner wants it, men wouldn’t have affairs. That is how people see it though. I am just better off single.

The rap song “They Want Efx” by Das Efx drops so many bombs, through the course of “They Want Efx.” Das Efx was actually labeled “mumble rap” by some critics. If you peel back the lyrical layers and read between the lines, you would see that they used double talk to mask a very dark and serious message. I finally figured out what they were saying. It was fascinating to crack the code, which just finally happened for me recently. I do wonder if Evil E or someone else guided me towards the hidden meaning though. As a naive female, I may not have figured out what these songs were talking about, without the male voices in my head. I have both both friend and foe male voices, who perhaps, as men, found it easier to understand what these male artists were trying to say.

I’m truly scared of you!

 Why do people try to force the object of their affection, to stay with them? When your partner doesn’t reciprocate your feelings, has a wandering eye, and is uninterested in continuing your relationship, just let them go. Do this for your own peace of mind, to start yourself on the path of healing, and because it’s the right thing to do. It makes more sense. It is the most crazy people who try to make it impossible for their romantic partners to leave! At least R- chose a fellow witch to marry.  That’s fair, at least. I hope she hexes the shit out of him, when they split up! Have fun hexing each other, for the rest of your lives!!

I am not holding my breath for Trey

 I have been sitting here, at home, waiting (in a sense) for my “soulmate” Trey to come rescue me for too long! He’s been tricking me for too long! He’s as bad as his in-laws with the mental fuckery. He began this mind fuck, anyway! His wife and her family are just joining in. I never wanted to reach out to him and let him know about the hex. I assumed that he knew what I was saying and he didn’t believe me. Maybe he thought this was just jealous girl trash talk and it would blow over. Me and his wife would just have to work this out ourselves, while he played innocent. He wanted proof, some evidence that may make my amazingly hard to believe story believable. Even if he finally understood and believed this situation, he didn’t really have to leave his wife. He definitely didn’t have to leave her, if what her cousins were doing, was not to her knowledge.  If she had no part in witchcraft that is. 

This could just be a charade of leaving his wife, in order to piss Evil E off, so that he would act out even more. If he gets careless in his rage and thirst for revenge, he may make a few necessary missteps. This would give us tangible proof and knowledge of how he is doing his magic tricks, that law enforcement really needs. 

Trey truly doesn’t have to leave his wife though. It’s unbelievable that he would leave the woman who moved across the country for him, when I probably wouldn’t even move up the coast for him. Little Miss Perfect she is, who everyone in his family, social network, and the Santa Cruz community love! What could he be thinking?! They had the perfect life!?

The U family wanted to completely prevent us from ever hooking up and moving on together. I think that, at this point, the U family are just stretching this hex out, (and enjoying every moment of it) in order to rob us of the fun years. They crave the satisfaction of holding off releasing me from this hex to eat up what should be the time of our lives, when we are still young enough to enjoy each other and have the best times possible. I guess we all will have to wait and see. When will this hex end, if ever? I have remained idle and let things slide for too long. If I start talking to everyone about this situation and complaining, hopefully the U family will get super pissed, start losing their tempers, and get sloppy and make things obvious to others. I am waiting for them to go further, be bolder, and get caught! I think me not making waves and not acting up has moved my problem to everyone else’s back burner. I don’t want this to be my private issue for me to deal with by myself privately for the rest of my life. I want the help of law enforcement in this. Help and justice served would be so satisfying! This would be their just dessert, as well. Fingers crossed!

My female voice (Felicia)

 My female voice is an actual person and a skilled witch, who lives very close to me in Carlsbad. She moved even closer to me?! Holy Shit! I am truly scared of her. We’ll call her Felicia, for now. I would love to say “Bye Felicia,” and poof, she’d be gone, but I am stuck with her and her dirty rat brothers, against my will. They are here in spirit but invisible? They may be able to mess with me physically with the help of a voodoo doll that they created for me. Today I googled my ten year plus tormentor Felicia and apparently someone recommended her (probably herself or some asshole close to her) for some local publication, as a “resident of interest here.” I can’t believe someone interviewed her, like she is some cool person and interesting local person. Who cares about her interior design business? She is a resident of interest? She is a person of interest in a well known criminal investigation. Interesting and person of interest are two different things. Be real about her. She is just bullshitting her way through life, as if she’s done nothing wrong. She has no remorse, so she is not going to change anything that she is doing. She is taking her and her families malicious magic and evil deeds to the grave. 

I was reflecting about seeing Felicia’s brother R- at the Mission Valley mall, right after Christmas. He was being his asshole self. I was thinking about how this brother tries to fly under the radar, because he has a successful sports photography career and he doesn’t want to screw up his life, in any way,. He’s trying not to call attention to his role in this hexing. Of course, he is trying desperately to play this off. He could be prosecuted and jailed for his role in this. At the mall, I was tripping out about how clean cut and normal looking he is in person, as opposed to his brother Evil E-. Evil E- always poses like he could and would kick your ass, if he wanted to. Anyway, the day I saw R- at the mall, I realized that he got married. I saw his wife with him. I thought to myself, “Holy Shit! Someone actually married you? Good luck getting out of that marriage, lady, if you ever wanted to get out!” Then I got the feeling that she is probably a witch too. Where did they even find each other? A malicious magic matchmaker? I looked up R’s wedding website and on the website, there is a closeup shot of the ring on her hand when R-proposed to her. She had black nail polish half chipped off on her hand, like she just crawled out of hell. She is definitely a witch too and not exactly trying to hide it, mirroring her sister-in-law Felicia. You have to read between the lines in everything they say and post online. There is always some nod to witchcraft with them. If you know, you know, and I definitely know!

I know Evil E has already read this post by now, because I woke up with this horrendous gravely voice. I am not at all sick, but I sound like RFK Jr. (who I hate) Thanks a lot, creep! I didn’t even realize until later in the day that RFK Jr was sworn in today? This was a well thought out and premeditated prank, knowing that I would probably be a little pissed off today anyway. Good one Evil E! Hardy Har Har! 

I feel like Shaun White

 It’s crazy moving from a big city to a small town, with small minded folks. If I could, I would move. You folks are brutal! Absolutely brutal! Now I know why Shaun White moved from Carlsbad to LA. There are a lot of haters ,who chop you back down to size here, even if you don’t feel like you have an oversized ego. I don’t feel any better or any different with this weird notoriety. You all are looking at me with hate-filled eyes and are cruelly making fun of me. Would you like to be in my shoes? Make fun of a person with mental health challenges. Make fun of a person being hexed, why don’t you? You are jealous that I don’t have a job? You are jealous that I appear to have an abundance of money and free time? Pardon me! I’m a not such a bad or mean person to deserve this. People will find any aspect of another person, no matter how random and minute, get jealous, and just run with it! I am out here complaining about things that bother me and hurt my feelings, to vent and get sympathy (which you don’t have any) and to get help possibly. This isn’t a play book for everybody to know how to bother me and make me feel like shit. Everyone really is looking at me and paying attention to me and making fun of me. This isn’t my imagination.

In a few weeks I am getting chin lipo and I will be driving around (for an entire week) with a chin strap on. You already make fun of me every time you see me, so who cares? This will be more of the same. I am practicing ignoring random people driving by who try to make eye contact with me so they can do some asshole gesture to hurt my feelings or make me angry. I will also be looking down at my phone at stoplights, like you all do. Watch the master though. See how I break away from what I am looking at on my cellphone, put my cellphone down, and accelerate when the light turns green? I won’t selfishly mess everyone else up and make us all miss the light. What are you all looking at, that you get so lost, that you are unaware of the light change?  You can’t break away from whatever you are looking at on your phone? It’s a little sus. I hope you aren’t looking a p- at stoplights? It is either p- or something else that you are addicted to. The only reason why I am looking down at my phone is to avoid seeing the assholes around me. That is why I can keep track of the light changes. Thanks to the Carlsbad/Encinitas community for making my driving experience a living hell!

Evil chick in the waiting room

Dear Karen,

I should have captured your behavior with my cell phone today and posted it here. Maybe I will start doing that to all the random mean spirited women who act like they hate me and want to be a villain in my story. I am not casting you in the story of my life. Thank you! Next! I hate random hater females. I am truly sorry that your last boyfriend or husband dumped you. That must have been very painful for you. I’m don’t know how you lived through that? It’s unbelievable because you are so sweet and perfect. How could anyone be repulsed by you, immediately or over time?  I should have taken a picture of you purposely sitting in a weird position slumped over in a way to mock me and make it look like you had a huge double chin. You are looking so gorgeous like that! You are truly beautiful inside and out!

The wrath of an evil family

 When I first started getting hexed, my new enemies kept repeating that they hated me and that they were going to hex me for the rest of their life. They were trying to say that this was a family issue and that the hex was totally justified. They repeatedly told me that I was a home wrecker. I never touched this man since college, so I never thought the punishment fit the crime. They hexed me hard from the get go. They told me that they were angry for the sake of their cousin. They felt sorry for her. They wanted to help her protect her marriage, by scaring me off.  This was completely opposite to what (I believe) they were doing to their cousins husband. I think he was oblivious for years! They may have put a love spell on him. He was also very comfortable in Santa Cruz. I was happy with my children and gained a ton of weight, while focusing on my family. Men are very visual and my three children are more work than children without Autism. He was always hesitant to get over the initial fear of approaching me and getting into an actual dating situation with me. I would have definitely gotten my hopes up quickly and maybe he didn’t want me to think so far ahead, rush him, or be crushed if it didn’t work out. It would be a big waste of time and effort and commitment, if it didn’t work out. I have a major mental illness. He knows that. I look terrible on paper. It was so much easier to stay with his younger, healhy, CrossFit wife who put so much effort into their relationship and won over everyone in his life. She won over everyone in Santa Cruz, I think. They were a popular couple too that everyone thought was so happy together. 

On the other hand, her cousins seem like they are the type people who are quick to react and get angry. They get angrier than most people, when they get angry too. They saw me as a threat and they noticed that I lived near them. They really premeditated hexing me, followed through with their plan, and were successful in doing that. I think at some point, it shifted from serious revenge to they just get a kick out of seeing what they can do with their harmful magic tricks. This is a seriously f-d up hobby that they want to continue learning about and playing with. They wanted to see how the magic can further benefit them. They also might possibly enjoy the notoriety that they have earned for their crazy Santeria hexing skills. They didn’t anticipate that I would get law enforcement to believe me and investigate this. They are seriously pissed at the thought of potentially getting punished for this mess, which they never anticipated.  I may have lost track of time but I was so confused and frightened when I first got hexed. My first instinct was to ask how I can get myself out of this and who can help me? I may have started asking for help too quickly. I didn’t give them a chance to end this before they suffered any consequences to their actions. They were so callous and ruthless though. How could I trust people who keep telling me how much they hate me? They refused to agree to ever stop hexing me. They were messing up my life and continued to do so in ways that I may not even know yet. I fear that they have messed with my family members and who knows who else? They appear to have the capability to spy on people without their knowledge, unless they speak to their target directly, I would have no idea myself, if they hadn’t started talking to me. I wonder how long they were spying on me before I was aware of the spying. I wonder what other crimes they may have committed.and how serious those crimes are?  

I may have asked for help too soon though. There is a slim chance that they would have stopped hexing me completely, on their own. But even when the voices were few and far between, they always came back. They would pop in to insult me a few times a week, if not more. It seems that when they had a free moment, they would spend longer harassing and threatening me. The 

Their diatribes could run long and be very repetitive. I truly believe that they have been messing me up in other bigger ways. They have been messing with my health and safety and of those close to me probably too.  I may never know for sure. When I did start telling people what I believed was happening, I know it affected the two male cousin’s livelihood. They all eventually moved back to Venezuela, because they weren’t making it here, as they hoped to.  R was a well known surf photographer. I don’t know about now. E had a few potential surf sponsors like Lost and Psycho Surf. I think those sponsorships fell through. I feel grateful to still be alive and wonder if they have seriously tried to kill me, but maybe weren’t successful? Or they may not have wanted to get caught on a serious charge, so they continually do more covert or smaller things to mess with me but fly under the radar too. They dont want to lose their easy lives and freedom, which will allow them to continue messing with me. I think that they assumed they would never get caught. They will definitely continue to get their kicks hexing me indefinitely if at all possible. We will see if karma smacks them back in the face. Fingers crossed!

I am forever grateful to my awesome family friends, who helped other people hear the voices in my head, that no one else would have heard otherwise. My bad luck and my hell-like mental state would have continued to be written off, as merely mental illness. I hope this investigation can give us some useful information to help others in similar situations and be used to solve more crimes. I think many people are looking into this situation and helping me. Thank you to everyone helping me. I know I don’t necessarily completely deserve anyone’s help. I am not a complete victim here. I am a villain in other people’s story. No one  really wins here. Many involved and those around around us got hurt as a result. The heroes here are the awesome Native Americans and law enforcement, who are using their skills and power for good and to help protect people from harmful magic.

 I know that my family and friends would like me to insert a courtesy thank you here. Don’t hold your breath. I don’t appreciate the secrecy and the lying behind my back. I don’t appreciate the trying to bother me or making jokes at my expense. You may try to say that you have the best of intentions. I just don’t see it. I will probably forgive you, but I don’t thank you or credit you for anything at this point. Sometimes you see the forest through the trees years later though. That definitely could happen. I am remembering how my mother wanted to care for foster newborns until they were paired up with adoptive parents and released to them. At 16 years old, I wanted nothing to do with helping my Mom or babysitting the babies , to give her a break and help her with her passion project. It was selfish and immature looking back. I didn’t feel bad about my resistance at the time. Now I definitely feel differently. My mother must be looking down on me right now and trying to help. After all, if we never cared for foster babies we would have never met our family friends who are caring for and protecting me right now. Great idea Mom! I finally see the beauty of your idea of helping and giving to others. It’s beautiful how our family friends felt so much joy in expanding their family that they remembered us and our part in their sons very first months and now things have come full circle. I may not appreciate the little things my family and friends are doing for me now but hopefully I will see it in time to thank everyone and make peace with them too.

Wow 🤩

https://www.facebook.com/reel/559731483549964?fs=e&s=TIeQ9V&fs=e&mibextid=wwXIfr&fs=e

Wow you are living your best life! Can I live it with you?

I was just saying…

A woman started talking to me yesterday about her daughter who is going to UC Santa Cruz. I told her the story I have on repeat about how I wanted to go to UC Santa Cruz.and my parents were totally against it. They told me that I already leaned “a little hippie” and they didn’t want that for me. It was selfish of them. They didn’t want me to move far away, fall in love with Santa Cruz, change a lot , and maybe never want to return to them. My second cousin, Sasha, did just that. My parents were paying for my education so they dictated where I could go to college. I didn’t fight them over it. It continued a pattern of me acquiescing to their wishes. I am very passive and obedient and conflict avoidant. It worked in their favor. I stayed close to them, so I could keep them company and  care for them as they aged. Someone has to do it! It ended up being me. I am still a little bitter when I hear about other people living their lives happily in Santa Cruz. I don’t really know anything for sure about Santa Cruz. I have only imagined what it is like, and heard about it. I have never visited Santa Cruz. I got shamed so much by my family for wanting to go there. I was too ashamed to go there and I might have always been too afraid of my families reaction to actually travel to see firsthand what it is really like. It’s weird, I know. 

When I went to UC Santa Barbara, I met a lot of people from Northern California and they really were extremely hippie. They were much  more hippie and bigger deadheads than I had ever met before. My mom said once, “I don’t think you would even like it there. It would definitely be culture shock for you.” I blindly agreed with her and trusted what she was saying. She knew me well. She was probably right, I believe I should and could go visit there now. It’s on my bucket list of things to do. My motivation to travel there has been stalled for the past few years by the wrath of the family of the wife of my one college classmate who I still think about who lives in Santa Cruz. I really don’t want to see him frolicking on the beach with his wife though and have it ruin my entire trip. I will always wonder what would have happened if I traveled there when I was young, stuck it out through the initial adjustment shock, and possibly fallen in love with Santa Cruz. I may have changed a bit, but I may have lived a life that was freer and happier.

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t

 Coming forward and seeking help from the dark arts, by telling my tale of torment, has gotten many strangers in my community, that I am encountering, up in arms. Unfortunately, our racist and money-hoarding president is triggering the people around me, to be even more harsh to me. I definitely feel judged by everyone around me right now. I am being treated worse by the people who I don’t know at all, but who may know just a sliver about my situation. Many people do not believe me at all. Many people think that I deserve this abuse, because I am a “home wrecker.” Many people downplay this situation as being “not that bad. He’s just talking to you.” It’s giving “So what? We all have our problems!” Many Mexicans, Mexican Americans, and Latin Americans, living in America, have no sympathy for me and blame me for contributing to the racist push for the deportation of minority ethnic groups. I absolutely want nothing to do with that. I don’t want Donald Trump to ever hear this story and use it as a justification for ridding the United States of non-“white” people. I naively thought DT was just making jokes to offend deep-hearted Democrats who believe that America should be an open land of opportunity for everyone, regardless of their race, religion, sexuality/gender, or disability. Now, I see how serious Donald Trump is, trying to fulfill all of his evil campaign promises. He is seeming more and more, like an evil dictator. What if I spoke out against him? Whether or not Italians are “white” has not ceased to be debated, since we first came to the U.S. Who knows? I could be on the path to deportation next? 

People say that white people overreact to being called out by people of color when they are out of line. I was shopping at Walmart yesterday and was not out of line. I simply asked an employee for help with something. He totally snapped at me and made a scene. I didn’t react. I definitely didn’t overreact but I think he wanted a reaction. I know there are protests happening now because of Donald Trump and his racist deportations. I wasn’t being inconsiderate or a bitch though. He took his anger out on me for no reason. It was 5 pm in the back of Walmart in the fishing supply section. Maybe there was no camera surveillance there and he thought he could get away with being an asshole to a customer? Is this the beginning of a race war or is this just a Walmart employee with a shitty attitude, who is dodging helping a customer? Trying to mess with (white) people to give us a taste of our own medicine is racist and messed up too. I don’t care if you disagree. This is why I don’t ask for help at Walmart if I can help it and I use self check if possible. I do believe they are not being paid enough for exemplary customer service. I have even heard a Vons employee say that once. She will bag groceries, that is all. I don’t feel the need to make small talk at the checkout. It’s the “I hate you” vibes that caused me to drive further away to buy my groceries at a grocery store where the employees are not chatty (because I don’t necessarily want to chat with them) and more importantly they do not throw shade or negative vibes my way. 

I hate feeling the jealousy of others. I hate bad vibes, evil glares, and catty comments that I assume are directed at me. I am going to start holding my hand up to deflect their negative energy, back at them. I am going to make it very clear that I did nothing wrong and this weird person is picking on me, out of jealousy. I want to say, “talk to my hand.” Look in the mirror, lady! As if you aren’t entitled yourself?” I don’t want to hear people gossiping about me, while I am in earshot. I mean, you know someone is jealous of you, when they start picking you apart, over some minor thing. Then they blow up the issue to vent their frustration over their own life, and take out their personal frustration on you. A (white) woman at Target was definitely a problem yesterday. It had nothing to do with me. This white woman at the Target checkout was a total “pick me” this afternoon. She jumped all over an honest mistake, just to fuck with me. I accidentally walked into a short line when the cashier woman working there had just turned off her light. I didn’t see it was turned off. When she explained that she was off and not taking any more customers, I left with zero attitude. Then her last customer, made some snide comment about me, being entitled and trying to get in the shortest line, instead of waiting, like everyone else. You know damn well that it was an honest mistake, lady. Bitches, I am not making my Santeria story up, so quit trying to make it seem like I am just some racist Karen. You’re a Karen, bitch! I don’t need to “learn my lesson” from your idiot ass or “get a taste of my own medicine.”

I am a technically “white” woman with a nice, cushy life, despite being hexed to death, by one nutty family. Just the other day, I heard a man in the grocery store say… “Well, it helps to be pretty.”  The local police/sheriff department here consists of primarily men. If they are attracted to me, that may be one reason they are investigating my far-fetched story. I also have a relative in local law enforcement. Members of local law enforcement here are, for the most part, very handsome males. If me being attractive to them or showing them that I find them attractive, works to motivate them to help me, I am ok that. I know that I have privileges, but it’s weird how, all of a sudden, people are getting pissed over it, and feel the need to constantly remind me of my privilege. Don’t give me your jealous energy, over the fact that law enforcement is investigating this situation. I am fortunate to live in a low-crime neighborhood. It’s a slow news day everyday here. That is another reason why I am getting the help that I have been asking for. Hopefully this investigation will help protect people or uncover information that can help people in some way. It’s been 10 years now and no one has been able to figure out what is happening here, or how to stop this, so don’t be too jealous. You have no idea what I have been through. The only reason why you can’t muster any sympathy for me, is because you’re jealousy, over unrelated issues, is getting in the way of that. I know that I read into things and I assume that every negative comment people are saying around me, are about me, and that’s my paranoia problem. But to those of you, who are truly breathing fire at me, I hope your negative, jealous energy, bounces off me, and hits you right back in your face!