A woman started talking to me yesterday about her daughter who is going to UC Santa Cruz. I told her the story I have on repeat about how I wanted to go to UC Santa Cruz.and my parents were totally against it. They told me that I already leaned “a little hippie” and they didn’t want that for me. It was selfish of them. They didn’t want me to move far away, fall in love with Santa Cruz, change a lot , and maybe never want to return to them. My second cousin, Sasha, did just that. My parents were paying for my education so they dictated where I could go to college. I didn’t fight them over it. It continued a pattern of me acquiescing to their wishes. I am very passive and obedient and conflict avoidant. It worked in their favor. I stayed close to them, so I could keep them company and care for them as they aged. Someone has to do it! It ended up being me. I am still a little bitter when I hear about other people living their lives happily in Santa Cruz. I don’t really know anything for sure about Santa Cruz. I have only imagined what it is like, and heard about it. I have never visited Santa Cruz. I got shamed so much by my family for wanting to go there. I was too ashamed to go there and I might have always been too afraid of my families reaction to actually travel to see firsthand what it is really like. It’s weird, I know.
When I went to UC Santa Barbara, I met a lot of people from Northern California and they really were extremely hippie. They were much more hippie and bigger deadheads than I had ever met before. My mom said once, “I don’t think you would even like it there. It would definitely be culture shock for you.” I blindly agreed with her and trusted what she was saying. She knew me well. She was probably right, I believe I should and could go visit there now. It’s on my bucket list of things to do. My motivation to travel there has been stalled for the past few years by the wrath of the family of the wife of my one college classmate who I still think about who lives in Santa Cruz. I really don’t want to see him frolicking on the beach with his wife though and have it ruin my entire trip. I will always wonder what would have happened if I traveled there when I was young, stuck it out through the initial adjustment shock, and possibly fallen in love with Santa Cruz. I may have changed a bit, but I may have lived a life that was freer and happier.
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