I love this song! I heard this song today, and it rang a bell with me. The Rainbow Connection speaks about hearing voices. 

Maybe my voices have more to do with rainbows and goodness, than evil or mental illness. I wish my voices were pretty and sweet, like rainbows.

Not to get all hippie on you, but everyone loves rainbows. This connects us all. The Rainbow Connection is a great song and a tearjerker for me. (every time) LOL

Why are there so many songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side
Rainbows are visions
But only illusions
And rainbows have nothing to hide

So we've been told
And some choose to believe it
I know they're wrong, wait and see
Some day we'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers, and me

Who said that every wish
Would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star
Somebody thought of that
And someone believed it
And look what it's done so far

What's so amazing
That keeps us stargazing
And what do we think we might see
Someday we'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers, and me

All of us under its spell, we know that it's probably magic

Have you been half asleep?
And have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name
Is this the sweet sound
That called the young sailors?
The voice might be one and the same

I've heard it too many times to ignore it
It's something that I'm supposed to be
Someday we'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me

Feminist Info

{Song of the day} I heard this song on the way to the grocery store and it rang a bell with me. "Was it something that he said, are the voices in your head calling Gloria?" This is yet another song with mental illness overtones & theme. Well, on that note, enjoy!

I just looked up this singer, Laura Branigan, on Wikipedia. She died in 2004, at the age of 52, of a brain aneurysm. Note to self: If you have a persistent headache that lasts more than 24 hours, see a doctor. (My mother suffered a brain aneursym too)

LOL

 I am honestly a little jealous of this woman. She sounds like she is living her best life!

Spider video anyone? I am obsessed with spider-hunting in my backyard

Keep it Complex: New Study Shows that Previous Research Oversimplified Schizophrenia Symptoms

The article below discusses many things, including various negative symptoms of schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder. The article also explains the difference between positive symptoms and negative symptoms. Check it out!



Keep it Complex: New Study Shows that Previous Research Oversimplified Schizophrenia Symptoms: Negative symptoms in schizophrenia can be so disabling that they interfere with a person’s ability to attend school, begin a fulfilling career, and even live independently.

In a recent study published by JAMA Psychiatry, UNLV psychology professor Daniel Allen and colleagues suggest a new way to classify the negative symptoms of schizophrenia, which may influence research and treatment in years to come.



I often wonder what my negative symptoms of schizoaffective disorder are. Do I have any? My psychiatrist has never diagnosed me with any negative symptoms,  so it is up to me to figure out for myself. I don't think I have any debilitating negative symptoms. I have a pretty awesome life, I think, for the most part. I do struggle with lack of motivation and the inability to experience extreme highs. My medication regulates my mood and keeps me pretty mellow. (I am grateful for that though.)

Today I had my second procedure in 2 years for Basal Cell Carcinoma. Wear sunscreen my friends!

When I first started my blog in 2014, I was honestly venting and trying to get help from the people that I believed were persecuting me. My blog will always have hints of that, as my delusions will probably never fully escape me. However my blog has grown into so much more than that. I have a quest for knowledge about my condition that I love to share with whomever is interested. I have become more of a mental health advocate, trying to increase understanding about my mental illness of schizoaffective disorder. I hope that I am helping the cause, although sometimes I wonder whether I am hurting or helping. I try to infuse a bit of humor into my blog, because I have a sense of humor and because I am much more than my mental illness. 

I am bragging today about the pageviews I have received across the globe. Some pageviews may be inadvertent, but I get the sense that people worldwide are interested in what I have to say, which is very flattering. Will this translate into book sales and beyond? I hope so! Here is a screenshot of the countries in which I have received the highest number of pageviews. Thank you Google readers for reading my blog and for leaving mostly positive comments and feedback. It is much appreciated. Come back anytime!

Today I was reminded just how rare my condition of schizoaffective disorder is. I went to Walmart to pick up my antipsychotic medication, Vraylar. I had gotten an automated text teliing me that it was time to refill, so I refilled my prescription. Then I got a text stating that my medication was ready for pickup. When I got to the Walmart pharmacy, the man behind the counter told me that there was a mix-up and my prescription was not ready. Rather it would be ready Tuesday afternoon. Fortunately, I have enough medication to cover the time. The clerk also reminded me that I have a VERY RARE condition. No other costumer at this particular Walmart takes this prescription but me, so Walmart does not keep Vraylar in stock. The Vraylar is special ordered for me, every time. 

Vraylar is a newer medication that helps Bipolar and Schizophrenic/Schizoaffective people. So that tells me that there are possibly no other people living with mental illness at Walmart, besides me? That can't be true. Vraylar is still very expensive, so many people may not be able to afford it. I have a prescription discount card for Vraylar, which is the only reason I can afford it. 

"Schizoaffective disorder is a chronic mental illness that affects between 2 and 5 people out of every 1,000 people. Its symptoms are a bit more common in women, and usually begin in early adulthood."

"Worldwide about 1 percent of the population is diagnosed with schizophrenia, and approximately 1.2% of Americans (3.2 million) have the disorder. About 1.5 million people will be diagnosed with schizophrenia this year around the world."

***On the way out of the Walmart shopping center, I thought I saw Esteban driving in and  laughing at me. Groan!

More photos from my daughter, nature photographer in Carlsbad, CA.

Over the years, I have realized the stress of the holidays usually takes it's toll on me.  I have to drive in traffic for roughly 45-60 miles to Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. My children's behavior at my relative's houses can stress me out too. This Thanksgiving, I did not particularly feel included socially, so that sucked. To drive so far and be ignored is enough to trigger voices, especially when everyone around you is talking and laughing. I took a Xanax for the ride there which helped. But towards then end of Thanksgiving, I slowly started hearing voices. When I was asked to drive home, the voices escalated. Perhaps I should have declined driving home. My passivity got the best of me, knowing that my husband really did not want to drive. Here is how the drive home went:

Esteban: Be forewarned. We hate you, so we are hexing you.

Federica: We are keeping tabs on you, so we are still hexing you. Be forewarned. We are going to hex you for the rest of your life. Be forewarned. You are having a mid-life crisis. Be forewarned. So, what are you thinking of doing about Keith Spellman?

Esteban: (while I am driving) There is a Mexican trailing you. Be forewarned. There is a Mexican behind you. You dusted him. Be forewarned. (While I read the signs passing by) San Onofre State Beach is not hexing you! We are hexing you! She thinks that Stephen is the reason that she is hearing voices. Be forewarned. You know what you did. Be forewarned. That is the reason we are hexing you. We are going to hex you for the rest of your life. So be forewarned.

Cam you believe the rug in Esteban's house? Sick!

Ok this has nothing to do with mental illness. I am trying to make you laugh! "Do Australian housewives have a dull or exciting life?" Check out this retro ABC News video! Wait for the last interview! To use retro terminology. he is what they would have called a "cad."  LOL 

I might be delusional, but I get the feeling there are a lot of men out there who would love to make a housewife's life more exciting. They are the ones to watch out for!

Happy Thanksgiving! Fortunately, this is the week of Thanksgiving and not Groundhog Day.

https://www.mnn.com/lifestyle/arts-culture/stories/quotes-groundhog-day

 Nature walk with my daughter! Very good for the soul and very therapeutic!

                                      My nature-loving daughter is a chip off the old block!

Is it hip to be crazy? Nike just created a new, hip, controversial, ad campaign entitled, "Dream Crazy." You can have my crazy dreams & nightmares. I am trying to get rid of them! Tons of musicians sing about mental illness and claim to be "crazy." More and more actors admit to it. Are some of them faking it? I do not understand why they would. I do not want for anyone to find my mental illness "cool." I do want people to think I am a cool individual despite that though.

 "Mental illness may look cool or glamorous from the outside, but when you’re trapped inside it, it’s the least glamorous thing you could ever imagine."- Schizophrenia.com

I found this rock in Santa Cruz! (no, not really) Hippie jokes anyone?

                                                                             
                                                         
                                                                   

I found this article about the causes of Schizophrenia and it checked off every box with me. "Yes, I had a stress-filled childhood, a bad drug trip in college, and of course faulty genes." 

1. I never knew, as a child, that my great-grandfather died in a mental hospital. No one ever knew for sure what mental illness he was diagnosed with, or why he was committed. (other than for an out-of-control temper) So my mental illness genes were always there. However, I never knew about it, so that knowledge did not help me. 

2. My childhood experience involved a bit of bullying from classmates and stress at home, as well. I came from a household where there were some physical altercations, 99% of which I escaped, but still witnessed. I have a tremendous amount of guilt for receiving the lionshare of positive attention from my parents. I also felt helpless when my siblings got roughed up. I grew up to be very passive, as a result of that. My mother never understood why I have always been so passive and shy. My childhood and upbringing has a lot to do with it. I remember my Mom tried to help me out later in life, by signing me up for an Assertiveness Training Class, at Santa Monica College. I ended up ditching the class and never got the help I needed with that.

3. I know that I sound like a broken record, but had I known about marijuana and other drugs possibly triggering schizophrenia, I would have never have traveled down that road. Having mental illness in my family was never discussed. I was completely ignorant, in my adolescence, to the dangers of marijuana and the other drugs I progressed to experimenting with. I want to spread the message that marijuana is not a harmless, cure-all drug. There are some dangers to it's users, especially to adolescent users, whose brains are still developing.

https://theconversation.com/what-causes-schizophrenia-what-we-know-dont-know-and-suspect-102651

Happy Veteran's Day! This is a photo of my father when he served in the Navy! He enlisted voluntarily and is proud to have served. My son and I are visiting the Midway, on a school field trip, this Thursday. I am so happy that the Midway museum now has elevators and handicapped access for everyone (especially our special needs children) to learn about and experience the Midway Magic! 

 #Livinitup #Meandmymanonayacht #Ohyeah

#onedayIamgoingotoThailand :)

This is the story of my life! Why does this keep happening to me? LOL

If you are having a bad day, watch this video! (Click on the link below to watch video on Facebook)



https://www.facebook.com/asiancrush.tv/videos/1780330258656500/?t=0

Nothing says "middle aged" and also "mom" like having fun at the grocery store, on a Wednesday night. #Feel good song of the day! Seriously, they play really good music at Vons! This is a great song, which captured my emotion tonight! Love Annie Lennox! :)

There Must Be an Angel (Playing with My Heart)

Eurythmics

No one on earth could feel like this
I'm thrown and overflown with bliss
There must be an angel
Playing with my heart

I walk into an empty room
And suddenly my heart goes boom
It's an orchestra of angels
And they're playing with my heart
(Must be talking to an angel)

No one on earth could feel like this
I'm thrown and overflown with bliss
There must be an angel
Playing with my heart

And when I think that I'm alone
It seems there's more of us at home
It's a multitude of angels
And they're playing with my heart

I must be hallucinating
Watching angels celebrating
Could this be reactivating
All my senses dislocating
This must be a strange deception
By celestial intervention
Leavin' me the recollection
Of your heavenly connection

I walk into an empty room
And suddenly my heart goes boom
It's an orchestra of angels
And they're playing with my heart

Songwriters: Annie Lennox / David Allan Stewart

There Must Be an Angel (Playing with My Heart) lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group

Female internal voice: I am slightly stupid too!

I was trying to relax today (on election day) by listening to chill, relaxing music and my female internal voice actually cracked a joke!? Maybe it was intended to offend me, maybe not. I really do not care. I enjoy listening to Slightly Stoopid, and although this band sings about weed, it does not trigger me to smoke pot. This is great music though.

Like I have said before, people with SZ/SZA can't have any fun. We cannot smoke pot, or it could trigger psychosis. We can't even think about weed. I still drink in small doses and I refuse to give up listening to music, however edgy it may be.

***I only listen to this particular band in private though, because they sing about marijuana and I do not want my kids to hear and be influenced by it. #ADULTING :)

Do I have the "Life of Reilly," as a mentally ill person?

An acquaintance I know lamented today.

Her partner remarked, that as a mentally ill person, she has the "Life of Reilly."

"I can eat when I want and sleep when I want

don’t have to work, and sit on the internet all day

That is just not true

I don’t even have a life or anywhere to go

And I’m stuck with mental illness and other strange brews

I’d gladly switch places with him."

Some partners, who do not have mental illness, really struggle to say supportive things to their partners. I guess, it is trickier, with a mentally ill partner, because you need to try harder not to offend us or to try to understand something that you are not experiencing yourself.

The same has been said about housewives, that we have the Life of Reilly. That we just sit around and watch soap operas all day. Staying home with my special needs children has it's challenges too! 

I have heard this expression before, but had to research it more, to see if I really did have the life of Reilly. The phrase has an colorful history and Irish origin.

https://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/the-life-of-riley.html


There was a ballad, printed in 1899, which recounts the story of Willy Reilly running away with his hieress lover, only to be caught and tried for abduction, eventually finding freedom and riches in his lover's arms - truly the life of Reilly.

Yup, that sounds exactly like me...and then I woke up! :)


***On a side note, we had a fairly relaxing Halloween, with no trick-or-treaters. 

***I also found out yesterday that I have Basal Cell Carcinoma on my left arm. Yikes! I guess this life of Reilly will be cut short if I don't start wearing sunscreen!