I will quote another writer, Rebecca Chamaa, when I say, " I don't completely trust the mind I have been given - it has deserted me before." I really identified with that statement. When I had a major psychotic episode in 2014, I had deserted my medication regimen. Next, I deserted my life completely and drove out to the desert. Before, during, and months after my trip to the desert, my mind deserted me. The voices in my head told me to get up in the middle of the night and drive aimlessly until I ran out of gas in Gila Bend, AZ. Tired and delusional, I found myself stuck in Arizona with no money to eat, sleep, or get home. I relied on a kind shopkeeper for a phone to call my family who came to my rescue. The kind stranger in Arizona also gave me $20 to eat. Arizona is a beautiful state and now that I am stable, I really want to go back and visit. This video reminds me of the beauty in Arizona that I was not focused on during my last road trip there.

Someone asked the question today, "Do you think understimulation triggers psychosis?" From my expererience, boredom and quiet can trigger psychosis. If you are an unmedicated or treatment-resistant schizophrenic, having nothing to do and no one to talk to can trigger psychosis. But it is a situation where you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. Whether you are bored to tears or super stressed, you are going to hear voices. Any extreme is bad for us. I personally get triggered when I am overstimulated. If I am stressed out, or in a large crowd of people, I can start hearing voices. When I hear too many conversations going on at once, it can trigger my internal voices.

This weekend, my friends want to go to a bustling, local, street fair. It sounds like fun. I want to go with them. However, I do expect to hear voices and I plan to take a Xanax (in addition to my antipsychotic) beforehand.  I really do not know what to expect this weekend. The last two times I went to fairs, I heard voices the entire time. It really ruined the fun day I had anticipated. In the end, the stress of the large crowds, finding parking, and navigating the fair had me anxious to leave. After a stressful excursion like that, it can take hours to quiet the voices. I will keep you posted on my experiences at the Street Fair this weekend. I am hoping and praying for a day free of voices!

Someone told me today that they sort of miss some of their delusions. (ie the ones about having secret admirers) I replied, "I take Vraylar and my delusions never really went away. I still think people are in love with me. I still think I have stalkers. I see these people when I am driving around town. I still think that I have haters who are out to get me. The voices have calmed down, for the most part, but they always revisit me on stressful days and out of the blue. I haven’t forgotten how bad my voices and delusions were when I went off my meds. I know that I need to continue taking my meds, but in terms of my delusions, nothing has disappeared or diminished. There are no delusions that I miss because nothing has been resolved there."

I watched Mean Girls for 20 minutes tonight and got ill. Lindsey Lohan's character called her love interest "Regina's property." OMG my psychosis is taken straight from Mean Girls or I am really being hexed. I am 43 and dislike that movie because it reminds me too much of high school. It is also drives me away from female friendships, which is sad. I shouldn't be afraid of other females. Because I am 43 and the movie did not rock my world necessarily, I do not know why these foreign, younger voices haunt me. Leigh is a mean girl. She probably loves that movie and quotes it constantly. At least, her internal voice quotes Mean Girls. It is scary and hellish. Leigh, Esteban, and Federica are all about 10 years younger than me. They are from the Mean Girls generation (the Millennials) and probably do quote that movie in real life.

I was woke up the other night by two external male voices. They sounded like they were in my front yard. One of them said, "No...she will call 911." You guessed it guys! I would do that.

At least I waited until after 4/20 to be your buzzkill. I keep finding all this BS on Facebook about marijuana. Cures cancer? Grows brain cells? Now I won’t dare claim alcohol is good for you, but some of those claims about marijuana are made up. Also, anti depressants (like SSRI’s etc) are their own class of drug. Marijuana is not in that class. Dumb/inaccurate picture poster thing. They forgot to mention triggers psychosis. Oh, and yes marijuana has been the culprit of plenty of auto deaths, so there’s that too.

Someone asked me today, "What was your funniest delusion?" The conversation veered towards funny delusions in the psych ward, involving the food there. I have a similar story, although I don't know how funny it is. The voices told me, when I entered the cafeteria, that Tony Hawk created and approved the menu there. They kept talking about Tony Hawk and assured me that the food was really good in the hospital. The food was ok, I guess.  I think the voices really wanted me to eat and get fat, which happened anyway, due to my antipsychotic.

When I was unmedicated, the voices would goof on me and build me up, only to tear me down later. I paced a lot. When I was walking, the voices would speak to me like I was on the red carpet or something. They would ask me who I was wearing, as if it was some expensive couture or something. I was usually in a tee shirt and jeans from TJ Maxx or something. Actually my tee shirt is from TJ Maxx, my jeans are from the Gap, and I am wearing Flojos flip flops. Thank you very much. LOL

At one point, the voices told me that Keith was coming to pick me up in an invisible car so we could drive off into the sunset together. I got dressed up and waited outside. He never showed up. I wasted a lot of time waiting for him to show up at my house and pick me up for our first real date.

For the most part, my delusions took on a more frightening tone and were nothing to laugh about. I thought I was being hexed and chased and choked. I would be home with a butter knife, the only weapon I had, waiting for the intruder to materialize. Those fears drove me to call the police over 5 times in two months, which is how I ended up in the psych ward. I guess I can thank the police for getting me to the hospital, where I got the help I needed.

I read this article today and it reminded me of my last psychotic break. The voices in my head were threatening me and calling me a homewrecker for messaging Keith on Facebook. I wish I never did that. It revealed my worst fear. I came across a website that is a MAJOR fear of mine. In discussing this, I hope to face my fear. I do not condone extra-marital affairs or this messed up website that popped up in response to them. The voices in my head told me that they were going to post my name and picture on a horrible website. As it turns out, there is such a website . I remember calling members in my family to scan the internet to see if my name was listed on this site. I was too scared to look myself.  Considering I never had an affair or stole anyone's husband, it appears that I am safe for now.


**I got my first page view from Kenya this week! Hello from America!!