Thursday, May 31, 2018

I felt this way in 2014 but everything in my life is back to normal now. (pretty much) Things are actually a lot like how they were before I broke down. The only difference is that my kids are older now and potty-trained. (Thank God) My meds help me cope with my stress tremendously. Someone asked me today if I wanted any more children and I said "Absolutely Not! I am done having children." I wanted a big family and I have one! 

However, I do think I saw one of my stalkers drive past my children's school this afternoon. Creepy! Who would ever do that? Spying on me and my children is worth a restraining order if you ask me. I want one so badly for T--- M-----r, especially!




Tuesday, May 29, 2018

TMZ reported that the royal newlyweds are honeymooning in Jasper, Canada! My family and I stayed at a beautiful hotel in Jasper, Canada one summer, when I was a child. Jasper was remote, quiet, and beautiful. We were surrounded by mountains and a beautiful lake. I remember Lisa Welchel (Blair) from the Facts of Life honeymooned there during our visit. Unfortunately all that was on the t.v. during our stay was Fatal Attraction (on repeat) and tons of porn. Go Canada! (Just kidding)

http://www.bravotv.com/jetset/prince-harry-and-meghan-markle-honeymoon-destination#/.Ww2new8JOsU.facebook

I forwarded this article to my Mother and reminded her of the cute boys we met in Canada. She simply said, "...And they thought you were a boy." That is totally not true. My hair wasn't that short. LOL


Most guys had Duck Tails in their hair during the 80's. I had never seen that before but it was huge in Canada.

Image result for duck tails hair



Image result for duck tails hair





















Saturday, May 26, 2018

Today I heard the news about American hostage, in Venezuela, Joshua Holt and his wife were released today. This was described as a "goodwill gesture" by Venezuelan officials. I have to say that this is the first I heard of Joshua Holt and his story.  This proves my point that racism can come from any one and any where. My psychosis seems so racist because I believe these Venezuelan Americans are hexing me. Do Venezuelans actually hate Americans? Venezuelans have a history of detaining "gringos." The rumor is that Venezuelans do not like gringos traveling in their country. Joshua Holt stood out, as he had blond hair and blue eyes.  I am fortunate not to have traveled to Venezuela while psychotic. That would have been bad. My dark features may have blended in, but my poor Spanish language skills and the whole story of my psychosis could have gotten me in serious trouble. I am happy to hear of their release but also shocked that this was resolved under Donald Trump's presidency. I did not vote for Donald Trump and disagree with his policies. In a strange way, Donald Trump's racism has shown a light on racism. The Venezuelans officials may not want to appear racist. They want to be viewed in a good light so they released Joshua Holt and his wife. I cannot believe this happened under Donald Trump's presidency but I am grateful for it. Did Donald Trump prompt a change of heart in Venezuelan officials?

For safety reasons,  I will not be traveling to Venezuela any time soon. I think that would be a bad idea, but I am sure the beaches are lovely and the food is delicious.  I do want to visit Latin America someday. I want to visit Brazil and take a picture with Christ the Redeemer statue. :)


http://www.miamiherald.com/news/nation-world/world/americas/venezuela/article88243602.htm


http://www.myriotravelguide.com/christ-redeemer-statue/
So I went to our local Chick-fil-A restaurant and had the guiltiest lunch ever. Vegetarian protesters were out in full force. Many people were honking in support of the protesters. This experience drove me to the website for PETA. I wanted to learn more about the abuse of chickens in the food industry. I do not plan on giving up eating chicken. I am not a vegetarian but I do feel bad for the chickens. I love chickens and believe they deserve good lives too. I don't have any answers to this debate. I just wanted to share.





https://www.peta.org/features/egg-industry-cruelty/

Tuesday, May 22, 2018

I always think that everything is inter-related. I always think everything is about me or directed at me. Do you ever go to the grocery store or a restaurant and think that someone put on a song for you, specifically, to hear? Today, I was at Gelson's and felt that I was meant to hear the song I was hearing. The song on the speaker spoke to me. I am living proof that if you never say what you need to say and feel, it can drive you crazy. I vent a lot on this blog all the things that no one, even my psychiatrist, want to hear. (especially the stories my voices tell) If I do not vent somewhere, I believe, the voices will continue to haunt me daily. I know I have been posting a lot of videos lately, but I just wanted to show the song that really got me thinking today.


In times like these, I turn to the Blues Brothers for social commentary. The Blues Brothers stands the test of time. It's social satire is still relevant and hilarious. "Remember people that no matter who you are and what you do to live, thrive, and survive, there's still some things that make us all the same...you, me, them, everybody, everybody!


Monday, May 21, 2018

I know I am going to catch hell for saying this but here I go...I accidentally left the t.v. on this morning and went to the gym. When I came back home, Days of Our Lives was on t.v.  I do not normally watch soap operas because I have always thought that they are ridiculous and far-fetched. I did notice that there was a Latin American character on Days named Mateo, the drug lord. This made me laugh to myself. A Latin American drug lord infiltrates and terrorizes some Caucasian clique. Is anyone offended by Mateo, the drug Lord, on Days of Our Lives?  I scoured the internet and no one seems offended by this character. Soap Operas get away with alot! Not only that, Telemundo has made famous a host of shows geared at Latin Americans about drug lords and other stereotypical characters. This gives me hope that someone might eventually be interested in my story about Mateo (or Esteban) the Santeria-practicing villain. If I cast real Latinos, maybe people would be receptive. You never know! Everyone loves Mateo, the drug lord, from Days. He has been around for years, apparently. If you are interested in a story with Latino leading characters, you can find my book, The Voices, on Amazon!

https://www.amazon.com/Voices-Danielle-Flore/dp/0692956964/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1526952890&sr=8-1&keywords=the+voices+danielle+flore


https://www.soapoperanews.net/2018/05/andoni-gracia-returns-to-days-of-our.html

This gem from the 1980’s may have been the first trigger to my fascination and paranoia of Latin America. I think  this is one of the most exciting music videos ever made.


Every time I hear this song, I think of my internal haters (the voices Esteban and Federica). "Bad things. It's a lot of bad things that their wishing and wishing and wishing on me." I love Drake!




Saturday, May 19, 2018

(While driving home from a family party, I started hearing voices. It was nearly a three hour drive in traffic.)

Esteban: You are having a midlife crisis so be forewarned. We hate you so we are hexing you. Be forewarned!

Federica: So what are you thinking of doing...about Keith Spellman?!

Esteban: I'm sorry. We are not done hexing you yet. Be forewarned.

Esteban: Making moves is not your strong suit. Be forewarned. You should not be reading the freeway signs while you're driving. Be forewarned. Do Not Drink and Drive is not hexing you. Be forewarned. WE ARE HEXING YOU! Be forewarned.

Friday, May 18, 2018

I spend 99% of my time with people who do not have schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder. I spent the first 20 years of my illness completely isolated from others with my same illness. I married a "normie" and have been surrounded by "normies" the majority of my life. I do frequent one support website for schizophrenics.  My interactions on that website have been educating. Having met only one other schizophrenic in real life, I was surprised at how high-functioning and articulate we are, by and large. I assumed most schizophrenics were pretty out-of-it and caught up in an imaginary world. I have experienced some cattyness from other female schizophrenics and hostility from the more downtrodden, easily agitated schizophrenics on the website. So my experiences have not even been that great socially. But I learn something new everyday from my support website and it's members. I feel obligated to visit the site daily because I have much more to learn about schizophrenia and have no one else to educate me. Schizophrenia.com is a trusted resource for the latest schizophrenia news. If I spent all my time with my "normie" friends and family, who do not share the same struggle, I am afraid that I might forget I have schizophrenia. It happened to me before. I experienced few symptoms for 20 years on Abilify and started to believe that maybe, I too, was a "normie."  I wanted it to be true. I wanted to quit my medications, lose weight, and continue to be voice-free. Of course, that is not what happened. I had a major psychotic episode. Although I love and enjoy my non-schizophrenic family and friends, I also need a daily dose of schizophrenia.com to keep myself honest and aware of my illness.

Having said that, my next post might be titled "When support groups aren't supportive," because every other day is like that for me. I don't know why I always feel like I am being attacked by other schizophrenics, especially female schizophrenics.

Thursday, May 17, 2018

This is a great reminder to myself.  :)
  You could either laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh.  I am not mocking religion though. I believe this to be true.

I don't need reading glasses or anything. I just prefer my font super huge. (Now that was a joke. I do need reading glasses.)

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

From my nude modeling days... Hey, quit staring at my butt! :)



Sunday, May 13, 2018

I had a wonderful, relaxing Mother's Day with my family today. I was awoke by my children wishing me a Happy Mother's Day and gifting me with some great loot! I got a bunch of cute cards, makeup brushes, and a jewelry holder.  Many of my Mom friends reached out to me personally to wish me a Happy Mother's Day as well. I visited my Mother who had a brain aneurysm in 2013. I am blessed to still have her in my life. I am grateful to have a wonderful, sweet family and friends! Happy Mother's Day to all the mamas out there!


I talk a lot about the worst of times, in terms of my illness, on this blog. Fortunately, my meds seems to be working better and better over time. I cannot remember the last time  the voices tormented me. (I suppose that I could merely look back on this blog to check on that.) In the heat of torment by voices, I found it hard to be optimistic about my illness. Now that I am feeling better, I know that things could be worse. Less and less do I sit around asking,  "Why me? Why was I afflicted with this disease?" I am lucky to be otherwise healthy.  Antipsychotics cause nasty, uncontrollable weight gain. The trade off to that is that I am stable, voice-free, and feel blessed to be living the life I am living.





Friday, May 11, 2018

Wow! I can relate to her delusional quest for romantic love. What is it about Arizona that attracts the mentally unstable and unmedicated? I did the same cross country trek to Arizona during my psychotic break in 2014. Fortunately, only supportive family members greeted me there.  In my episode, I believed I was the one being stalked and harassed. It was not the other way around. I am grateful not to have experienced any violent, homicidal delusions! That was not my scenario. Someone remarked to me today that this woman was "absolutely exploited." There was no lawyer present when she was interviewed. When this woman comes around psychologically, she will be mortified. This news story will follow her around for the rest of her life.

In this unstable woman, I see the need/desire for love in her heart. She has love to give. She wants love, but she needs to get healthy before finding real romantic love. Vraylar or another antipsychotic could help her so much! I have empathy for her, despite her frightening delusions. Thankfully, she was apprehended before acting on any violent delusions. Now that she is in custody, hopefully she will get the help she needs. Sending my prayers out to her!


https://www.12news.com/article/news/crime/i-just-want-to-love-him-so-much-accused-paradise-valley-stalker-speaks-from-jail/550985818

After discussing this further on schizophrenia.com, someone posted this article about the work NAMI is doing to help keep people with mental illness out of jail and get them the help they need.

https://www.nami.org/About-NAMI/NAMI-News/2018/New-Initiative-Helps-Keep-People-with-Mental-Illne


***Talking about my mental illness online may be viewed as oversharing or self-exploitation by some, but many mental health advocates believe that discussing these issues may educate others and bust stigma. Schizophrenia is the most stigmatized mental illness. I hope I am helping in some way by sharing and not hurting the situation. 
Happy song of the day! Flashback to the 1990's. Who does this song remind me of?





Thursday, May 10, 2018

There was a lockdown at my children's school today. Today was the second time I took part in a lockdown. I find it strange that I was on campus both times. Fortunately, they were both false alarms. I am also grateful that, while I was hiding with other parents in the staff cafeteria, I did not hear voices. I tried to remain calm and quiet. I had a hunch it was another false alarm today, as I was just outside, and didn't see anything suspicious. I did worry that my children were frightened. That was the hardest part, thinking they were scared inside their classrooms.  Why did I feel safe? Maybe it was my intuition again. I do believe in God and feel that he is watching over us. I have not heard voices yet today. Knock on wood. I feel proud that I kept my cool and did not say anything too weird that would panic those around me. The police came and cleared the campus. My children are o.k. and not too traumatized by the lockdown drill. I finally came home with my children and now it is time to decompress. I just turned on Classic MTV and watched this video. It made me feel better.


Monday, May 7, 2018

My friend shared this on Facebook and I agreed with the sentiment. Then I noticed the photo below. The joke forgot to mention "& the Voodoo guy walks into the bar with them." I guess the Voodoo guy was harder for me to accept.  I know very little about Voodoo and Santeria. I do have some fear of these religions. Growing up Catholic and going to Catholic school, I was isolated from people of other religions socially. From my adult experiences in cyberspace, I have been verbally attacked by Athiests and Wiccans especially. I felt hate from them. I do not hate anyone. HATE is a strong word.  I avoid people who send me bad vibes though. I just don't need that in my life. So is this idea of religious tolerance & friendship realistic? We have a long way to go from what I see.





When I was in Fourth grade, my friend Valerie made this sign that said, "People Are People." She talked me into taking it to school with her and presenting it to the class. I didn't really get what that had to go with anything. Maybe she just really liked the song by Depeche Mode. The picture above just reminded me of that day at school. Why is it so hard for us to get along?


Friday, May 4, 2018

Today my friend made a cookie in my likeness...or so, I think! The kindness of a good friend can take your mind off your troubles. I have three wonderful children, who are on the Autism Spectrum. Through my children, I have met many other wonderful mothers with special needs children. We often wonder what our children will do to support themselves one day. This particular friend wants to teach our children her wonderful baking skills and start a business. She is a talented artist, as you can see. We have high hopes and dreams for the future!









Thursday, May 3, 2018


Someone asked online, "Is sleep paralysis related to mental illness?" Not knowing the answer, I  looked up Sleep Paralysis. Now I believe that I may have had sleep paralysis a few times, while psychotic. I remember having a nightmare one night, thinking this man (Esteban), was choking me in my sleep. I woke up paralyzed with fear. I was unable to move or scream. I never realized it may have been sleep paralysis until someone mentioned it tonight!



Sleep Paralysis

When you wake up but can’t move

Posted Dec 21, 2011
Have you ever awakened from a deep sleep and then found that you could not move or speak? You could see and sense things in the room but you could not move. This frightening condition is known as isolated sleep paralysis (ISP).
ISP is a relatively common experience typically characterized by an inability to move or speak after waking up as well by formation of a fixed conviction that someone or something is in the room with you or is actually on top of you! Typically the sensed presence of this other being is considered to be dangerous or malevolent. Thus the individual who has an ISP usually finds the experience quite frightening.
Up to 58% of people have an ISP at least once in their lives but some people have them much more often. ISPs are very common in people with narcolepsy for example. ISPs typically occur after an aborted REM episode (the sleeper begins to enter REM but then awakens) and are more common in people with histories of emotional trauma and people with psychiatrichistories.
Nightmares and ISPs tend to occur together: people who report frequent nightmares tend also to report more frequent ISPs. In one recent study of some 90,000 healthy people in Japan it was found that males with sleep problems and nightmares had the highest frequencies of ISPs.
Sleep paralysis was known to the ancients and it was thought to constitute evidence for demonic supernatural forces. Apparently, the extraordinary conviction that some unseen but sensed supernatural presence had been near sleeper/dreamer during the experience convinced teh ancients that ISPs were evidence for spirit beings.
In 1664, the Dutch physician Isbrand Van Diemerbroeck (1609-1674) published a collection of cases of ISP and described some aspects of its phenomenology. That phenomenology was subjected to quantitative study most recently by Parker and Blackmore (2002).
In that study the authors used the Hall--Van de Castle dream content scoring system to quantitate the characteristics of ISPs that differentiate them from dreams. There were 4 times as many references to the body in ISP reports than in dream reports. In addition there were higher levels of physical aggression against the individual than that found in dreams. Unlike dreams which depict a variety of emotions, fear predominated in ISP reports.
Parker and Blackmore summarized the typical ISP as follows: "...takes place in a familiar, indoor setting (the bedroom). Often a presence or person not known to the dreamer is present. The presence is more often male (if gender is reported), but most common of all is that a sexless "creature" or "form" is sensed. Interactions with the presence are predominantly aggressive (although men do attempt to befriend it more often than women do). "Dreamers" often feel victimized by these interactions. They also report a much greater awareness of their body, particularly torso, which is accompanied by increased reports of negative emotion (fear). They often struggle to overcome the situation (paralysis) and meet with equal degree of success or failure (sometimes they are able to overcome the paralysis or not)" (Parker and Blackmore, 2002; p. 57)
Given this sort of experience it is not surprising that many investigators have suggested that so-called alien abduction experiences are really just elaborated ISPs. The sexless sensed presence is an alien who paralyzes the victim in order to do manipulations on the victim's body etc. Other investigators have suggested that ISPs might be one source of belief in supernatural or spirit beings. But what really is the root mechanism of ISPs? Clearly ISPs are related to REM sleep as an ISP fundamentally is an aborted REM episode. The individual does not fully transition to the waking state. REM-related paralysis persists. But what is the source of the sensed presence? Why should we all hallucinate a sensed presence when transitioning from REM to waking?
One could tell a functional story as follows: Mother nature implanted within us an automatic predator-detector that gets triggered whenever we are in a drowsy or transitional state of consciousness as that is when we are most vulnerable to predation. The detection mechanism automatically ‘creates' a sensed presence that is malevolent because rapid response to a dangerous being is required when responding to threat.
Against this rather simple ‘just so' story is the core phenomenology of the experience itself. If an ISP reflects a trigger response mechanism designed to protect against predators/threats when recovering from transitional states of consciousness (like sleep) why is it that we do not feel aggressive when in an ISP? Why are we instead the victims of an aggression?
Yes, our minds construct an explanation for the paralysis but then that explanation militates against the predator-preparation explanation. If an ISP is just a confabulation for the paralysis it cannot be a defense mechanism. But against the confabulation account is the fact that we all confabulate the same story! Some supernaturally malevolent being has paralyzed us and is victimizing us via manipulation of our bodies.