I must be having delusions of grandeur. I have zero active followers, but there have been 12,349 all-time page views for this blog. I feel really good about this! Google blogger allows transliteration into one language and I chose to have my blog translated into Russian. That must be how I got 112 Russian page views! You like me, you really like me! If you want to hear more, you can always buy my short story, "The Voices," written by me (Danielle Flore) available on Amazon Kindle. "The Voices" is my partially fictitious autobiography & mental health journey. Thank you for visiting my blog!!

United States	11459
France	223
Russia	112
Germany	62
Poland	30
Australia	28
Canada	17
Switzerland	16
Serbia	14
Italy	9

Joke of the day: A narcissist goes on-line to rate his doctor and writes...

"I'm the best patient he's ever had."

12/28/2017

I was just on this message board that I frequent and saw the most interesting thread.  Other people discussed times that they had no control over their voice. It was as if a voice was speaking through them.  This happens to me, in private only, when I am listening to music. I have had the experience where I have no control over my lips and start singing the lyrics to songs that I never heard before or never paid attention to the lyrics.  How do I miraculously know all the lyrics to these random songs that I have never heard before? Someone said that they felt like a demon was speaking through them. That is exactly what it feels like. Esteban knows all the lyrics to every song that comes on the radio and he starts singing in my ear. It is even more aggravating when my lips start moving and I start singing. This happens to me usually when I am driving alone in my car. I am just glad that I am not the only person that has these scary experiences.  I do feel that, in addition to being schizoaffective, I am slightly clairvoyant/intuitive/sensitive. How else would I know every word to every new song I hear on the radio? Bizarre.

Over the summer, at a family party, I warned a family member about the fire in Santa Barbara. I had a glass of wine and started pacing. I was nervous. I started discussing the recent fire there and they assured me that the small fire was over now. A few months later Santa Barbara had the biggest wildfire in California's history.

In college, I think I sensed Hurricane Katrina. I was invited to go to New Orleans with a group of young ladies, my college roomates. I gave them an emphatic "no." I did not want to be in a unpredictable place with these ladies. I assumed that they would be no help to me in an emergency situation. I thought they could care less about me and were totally selfish. I surely did not want to drink in excess, in this wild place, with these young women. I did not feel like they were good enough friends to travel to New Orleans with. When Hurricane Katrina hit, I kept flashing back to my resistance to going on that trip. Hurricane Katrina was devastating to New Orleans. Watching the footage of Hurricane Katrina was painful to watch and kept reminding me of those women.

12/27/2017

So, I am happy to say that I had a voice-free Christmas. Either my medication worked, or Esteban and Federica were too busy to bother me. Maybe the hex is finally over! I am trying to be optimistic, but I know that my illness is life-long and prone to unexpected breakthrough symptoms. I cannot remember the last time I had a voice-free holiday. I am hopeful that 2018 will be better than 2017, but I don't want to jinx it. Thanks for taking the time to read my blog. Best wishes to you for good health and happiness in the new year!

**My New Years Resolutions are to do more yoga and to accept more peacefully when someone decides that they do not like me.

**Today I am making an addendum to my New Year's Resolutions since some jerk at Von's just made a fat joke at my expense. I ordered 4 fried chicken legs for my kids. (not the healthiest thing to feed them, I know) Then this guy spouts off, "4 fried chickens and a coke? I thought that's where you were going with that." He really deserved to be punched in the face for that. So I will add lose weight to my New Year's Resolutions.

 HAPPY NEW YEAR!! I am posing with my sister Gina in the picture above. My nose is still red from my Moh's Surgery. They cauterized my wound which is why (I think)  I am still red. I am just glad my doctor removed the skin cancer. I am hoping and praying for a cancer-free new year. 

Joke of the day:

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic and so am I.

Bill Murray

(1950 – ) American actor & comedian

Self TV/Movie Quotes As Bob Wiley in “What About Bob?” Schizophrenia

12/13/2017

So I was just on this other website chatting with other mentally ill people and the question was asked "Have you ever been embarrassed or made a fool of yourself because of your mental illness?" I thought of two incidences real quick that were funny, but embarrassing. I forgot to mention either of these in my book. (Oh well)

So first, when I was not taking my medication, I was driving around, trying to escape the voices, and get spiritual help. So I drove to the Mission San Luis Rey in Oceanside. I wanted to speak to a priest but it was night time and they were all asleep or something. I saw this big family having a party. They were Mexican-American and postively Catholic. I walked up to them and started asking people if they practiced Santeria or if they knew anyone that did. I think one guy looked it up on his phone, having no idea what I was talking about. There was a time when I asked anyone that looked Latin if they could help me. They were all Catholic. Needless to say, I was eventually told that this was a private party and asked to leave. I walked away sulking. I actually believed someone there would be able to help me...at a Catholic mission.

So I also drove out to Gila Bend, Arizona, without my purse, until I ran out of gas. I had driven all night. I was exhausted. The voices had been messing with me all night. I saw a dingy motel on the side of the road. Esteban had been messing with me the whole drive and out of nowhere I started talking to the front desk staff about the comedian, Tom Green. Esteban told me to ask them if Tom Green was staying there. I told them that Tom Green had reserved a motel room there and I was supposed to meet him there. The girls at the front desk had a good laugh over that. They told me that there was no Tom Green staying there.  Out of all the places in the world, Tom Green was not there. I am guessing he has never even been there. It is a hole in the wall.

So there you go, two times I was embarrassed by my mental illness.

Joke of the day: Two schizophrenics walk into a bar and one asks the other 'what are you doing here'

the other person says 'i thought you'd know.'

Opening up publicly about my mental illness...

So in the past few months, I opened up publicly about my mental illness. I talked about it to my family and Facebook friends, on Twitter, and on this blog. The first phase of opening up is dealing with everyone's different reactions to me. My family and close friends already knew. They were supportive. But there are a few people who are flipping out. I definately feel the stigma right now. I hope that we can move past this soon and people will go back to saying hi to me around school. I feel judged right now and, sort of, like a circus freak. Some moms at my children's school are avoiding me and today they were even pointing and whispering. I may be merely paranoid. There is so much more to me than my mental illness. My medication works great. I am high-functioning and barely notice my mental illness, on most days. I knew there existed the chance that I would be judged or mocked for publicly admitting my mental illness. The reality sucks though.

Pictures from my Moh's surgery

So, I know I look like a deer in the headlights here. The voices have been wishing cancer on me for years. Well a few months ago, their wish came true. I noticed a bit of cancer on my nose.  It turns out, I had basal cell carcinoma. I feel like the cancer came out of nowhere. Growing up in California, I wasn't a beach baby or anything. But due to a lack of awareness about sunscreen, when I did go to the beach, I got a few nasty sunburns. After scheduling my Moh's Surgery, I tried to sort out my feelings about the cancer. I joked about feeling "very California" and "actually Irish." But waiting weeks for my surgery got to me. I had cancer but had to wait for an appointment to get rid of it. So finally today I had my Moh's Surgery from the best Moh's doctor in Del Mar. (Dr. Jeffrey Eaton) I highly recommend. He is kind of a flirt though. ;) Having cancer on your nose is humbling. I might have to have reconstructive surgery.  I do not know what to expect when I take the bandage off. On the bright side, considering today was very scary and stressful, I barely heard any voices. My Vraylar was working and I did not even take any Xanax. So I consider today a win. I am now cancer-free and hope to stay that way. 

I am reposting a video here that I actually pulled a lot of wisdom out of. LOL I just found this fascinating. (Maybe my fixation with musicians has something to do with it.) I especially like what he has to say about guilt and how it affects him. I can relate to it. I did not know that Jonathon Davis from Korn suffered from schizophrenia. Like him, I also want to stay mentally healthy for my children.  I have three children that I need  to and want to be mentally available for.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=inWBj52ZRu4DQ

Definately going to watch this! I do not want to get my hopes up too high. I will probably be offended.  I don't think it will be a flattering portrayal of mental illness. (no movies ever are) Spanx? Thanks. Pffft! Love Jennifer Garner though!


http://www.refinery29.com/2017/11/183065/jennifer-garner-mental-illness-tribes-of-palos-verdes-movie?utm_source=twitter

It is frightening to admit that I suffered from anosognosia so badly at one point that I fully believed my delusion. I didn't realize that I was sick. I kept flushing my medications down the toilet, upon the command of my voices. I could not see how badly I needed to take my medications. I had no insight into my illness. I am blessed to be in a much better place today.  I am well-medicated. I am lucid. I am high-functioning. I still wrestle with this side-effect of my schizoaffective disorder, occassionally. I will probably always wrestle with believing my delusion on stressful days of voice-hearing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uj6ozlzA45o

11/23/2017 (Driving home from Thanksgiving)

Leigh: We hate you so we are hexing you. Be forewarned.

Esteban: We are not done hexing you yet! Be forewarned.

Federica: How sad! It has been five years, since we started hexing you, and we are not done with you yet! Be forewarned!

The voices sang over the music, on the radio, the entire way home from Thanksgiving. The drive was an hour and a half long.

Buckeye Police create registry program for individuals with autism, other disabilities.

OMG I would never wear a wristband saying I am schizophrenic. How embarassing! Oddly enough, when I was not taking my meds in 2014, I drove to Arizona, until I ran out of gas. I did not have my purse, or any money with me. I ran out of gas in Gila Bend and called the cops numerous times making no sense at all. I kept telling them that my house was being hexed. I was bummed that they did not drive over to help me. Looking back, I am glad they didn't drive out. Things could have been much worse if the cops were involved. The dispatcher surmised that my car died and advised me to call AAA.  AAA then towed me to Buckeye. Buckeye was like a modern day ghost town. The people I met in Buckeye were good to me, lending me money, and letting me use their phone to get help. Fortunately I have family in Scottsdale who came to help me. This article just flashed me back to when I was lost in Buckeye. I do think Buckeye needs to figure out a better solution than forcing Autistic and mentally ill people to wear wristbands so they do not get attacked by local police officers.

http://www.abc15.com/news/local-news/investigations/buckeye-police-create-registry-program-for-individuals-with-autism-other-disabilities

People post this stuff just to irritate me! Not all Christians/Catholics are racist. We try to be good people. Why would you want to make someone less religious? This is bogus research anyway!

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/archaeology/news/brain-magnets-decrease-faith-in-god-religion-immigrants-a6695291.html

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9hk8LKTXMIY

This is totally offensive! These women are using "religion" to get away with crime. Of course, they are from Northern California! What a joke! Of course, they are not actually Christian or Catholic! There is a stigma about pot for a reason. It is harmful!

Ok sorry for ranting so much about pot so much. LOL

Again, we are seeing more research pointing to marijuana avoidance decreasing your risk of developing schizophrenia. I have been hurt by my adolescent marijuana use. I do not believe it to be this "perfect drug." It is just a dumb drug. I am considering going completely, straight-edge sober. I am sick of arguing with marijuana proponents about what is a better or less harmful drug. (Marijuana or alcohol) A drug is a drug. Just because marijuana has been legalized, doesn't mean it is some "wonder drug." It is still a street drug to me. Don't believe the hype (about marijuana)!


http://www.sciencemag.org/news/2017/11/scientists-are-learning-predict-psychosis-years-advance-and-possibly-prevent-it

Here is a list of some potentially great pharmaceutical medications in development this year. They range from adolescent schizophrenia medication to postpartum depression to numerous drug use disorders. I am grateful to the chemists at pharmaceutical companies who work towards producing pharmaceutical drugs that improve modern medicine! I feel hopeful knowing someone out there is working to improve the lives of people struggling with mental illness and substance abuse.


http://phrma-docs.phrma.org/files/dmfile/MID_Mental-Illness-2017-Drug-List_Final.pdf

Sorry for the dry, educational video here. My purpose for posting this video is to show that there is a big difference between psychotic and psychopathic.

https://youtu.be/YD9bow2wBVI

"I am not a monster!" This woman is an inspiration!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=880&v=xbagFzcyNiM

I had a similar experience as her with the police. I called them for help and they ended up handcuffing me and sitting me in the back of their police car to transport me to the mental health clinic. It was very embarrassing and over the top. I wish they would handle mental health patients differently and with less force. I feel like the police are scared of every one of us and they shouldn't be. I was not fighting them. I was cooperating with them.

I suppose things could be worse.  I could be locked away in a mental institution, like this woman, being asked stupid questions. Things have improved so much in terms of psychiatric medication and care. I noticed her voices stopped when SHE started talking. That goes to show the importance of talk therapy. How sad! She cannot remember the last time her family has visited her.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=124&v=PcMJ98sNZOk

All this talk about sexual harassment has got me thinking! I identified with this story and related it to Keith Spellman. He grabbed me once in college too. Was he/is he a pig? He is no saint! I do not know why I zeroed in on him as being "the one who got away." He (like Dustin Hoffman, in this article) wanted me to like him. I was flattered at first and excused his bad behavior. He has done many inappropriate things, as a married man, to another married woman. Why does Keith drive around my neighborhood looking for me? Why do some men look at women besides their wives? Keep focused on your wife and your life! I feel like he is not dangerous physically, but he is dangerous to my marriage. He is the attempted homewrecker in this scenario! He started it all!

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/features/dustin-hoffman-sexually-harassed-me-i-was-17-guest-column-1053466

This is exciting news for schizophrenics who were triggered by adolescent marijuana use! Chronic marijuana use as an adolescent is admittedly part of my problem.

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2017/09/170912134809.htm

Esteban: We are not done hexing you yet, so be forewarned. Talking shit to a bitch...is not a crime, so be forewarned.

Federica: People hate you, so we are hexing you. Be forewarned. You are having a mid-life crisis, so be forewarned. And we hope your cancer...spreads! Be forewarned. I honestly hate you, so be forewarned, we hope you are absolutely miserable. Be forewarned! Stupid bitch!

https://www.amazon.com/Voices-Danielle-Flore/dp/0692956964/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1508796862&sr=8-1&keywords=danielle+flore+the+voices

https://www.createspace.com/7600809?ref=1147694&utm_id=6026

Clink link to read about my short story, "The Voices."

Coming soon to Amazon Kindle!

The Serpent and the Rainbow an Examination of Voodoo !!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBmsGnAgPaY

Very informative! The voices in my head  told me most of this already. I am just passing this information along to you.




https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPWTvbTWhZc

I never got over this movie. Happy Halloween!

How does Jimmy Kimmel know if the shooter heard voices? He doesn't. Now I am afraid to find out what his autopsy shows. Did he have an undiagnosed mental illness? I do not want to be lumped in the same category as him. I don't want to think that I have anything in common with this guy.

https://themighty.com/2017/10/jimmy-kimmel-monologue-las-vegas-shooting-mental-illness/

People who are schizoaffective or schizophrenic are very sensitive people. I am sensitive to racial tension and do not want to be called a racist. I have heard that the voices of other people tell them that they are racist too. This blog may be perceived as racist because I am a Caucasian woman talking about Santeria. I am sorry if I am prejudiced and uninformed. I do not know the first thing about Santeria, but I think about it often. The voices actually tell me more about Santeria than I care to know. I cannot explain why I hear the voices of Venezuelan people in my head. I cannot stop talking about religion and comparing  Catholicism with Santeria. Some people with psychosis think they are Jesus. I am glad that I am not one of those people, but my psychosis hurts. My voices are nasty and critical, for the most part. I am working on a short story about my mental health journey but I am afraid it will be controversial and criticized. (if anyone reads it at all) I appreciate that no one has posted nasty comments for me. Thank you for reading this and trying to understand.

 What is religious psychosis?

Most mental health professionals will encounter patients with DRC because this type of delusion is relatively common in patients with symptoms of mania or psychosis. For example, in a study of 193 inpatients with schizophrenia, 24% had religious delusions.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LrTGtpjbpxA

Here's another boring story for you. When I was a freshman in college, I disagreed with my roommate about everything. She wanted to put Beck's "Loser" on our answering machine, which I refused. After watching Beck perform last night, I am now a fan. I can laugh about it now. Could she have been right about something? Beck is pretty awesome! He cracks me up! Like my sister said at the concert, "Beck is such a dork, but he's cute!"

9/15/2017

My brother once referred to my memories of college and the people I met there, as being in Kodachrome. Kodachrome was the first color film that used a subtractive color method to be successfully mass-marketed (as per Wikipedia) It made everything look better than in black and white. The truth is, my imagination plays tricks on me and I invented many false, positive memories about college. Paul Simon said it better:

If you took all the (men) I knew
When I was single
And brought them all together for one night
I know they'd never match
My sweet imagination
Everything looks worse in black and white

Kodachrome
They give us those nice bright colors
They give us the greens of summers
Makes you think all the world's a sunny day
I got a Nikon camera
I love to take a photograph
So mama don't take my Kodachrome away 

He read my mind... This song takes me back in time. I remember feeling this way in 1998. I had just returned home from college. I was friendless and miserable. I thought I was being stalked in college. When I moved home from college, I no longer felt like I was being stalked. Did I actually miss the person that stalked me? I believed he was harmless. I missed him.  I know that sounds terrible.  But now I want to know if my brain invented the stalker. Did I make the stalker up to hurt myself?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mDsqpeiTqg8&list=LLlG-UtCmYtzlp2rJYpuHp3A&index=3

8/4/2017

So I went on this website called Disqus to their World Religions forum because I am interested in that. They claim to welcome all religions and viewpoints. I fell for that trap and got into a fight with this crazy "Pagan" woman who tore me to shreds because I am Catholic. That encounter triggered voices. She was nuts and strangely, alot like Federica.

Federica: Stupid bitch! So, what are you thinking of doing about Keith Spellman? That was me talking to you on Disqus. I am a Pagan!  What a hypocrite you are! Why do you support a pedophile religion? A pedophile Pope? Pedophilia and little boys for tea time. Be forewarned. Are you a mother? Seriously, think! I am against pedophilia and doublefaced people like you. You are hiding behind your religion because you are insecure. Did you go to Catholic school? Sick! Sick! Sick! I am not talking to you anymore. Stupid bitch! Keep going on Disqus and be yelled at by Athiests and "Pagans," so I can keep hexing you! I am not done with you yet. Be forewarned! 

7/15/2017

Esteban: Evil Esteban is still hexing you. Be forewarned.

6/29/2017

Esteban: We hate you, so we are STILL hexing you.  Be forewarned. We are repeating ourselves, on purpose. Be forewarned.

Esteban: So, what are you thinking of doing... about Keith Spellman? Be forewarned. I heard that you were in love with Keith Spellman, and he does not love you back. Be forewarned. He does not love you back.

Federica: You are having a mid-life crisis. Be forewarned. How sad! This mirrors her schizoaffective disorder so perfectly! Be forewarned!

Esteban: Remember that every evil act is only a response to another evil act. Be forewarned.

Federica: We hate you so we hope that you gain weight!

June 26, 2017

The villainous voices are like piranhas. They are bloodthirsty.  They come at you from every direction and attack. It is a feeding frenzy. They do not stop until they are finished.  You are slowly devoured. It feels like an eternity before they shut up.  They leave behind a battered, bloody mess.

5/22/2017

Federica: So what are you thinking of doing about Keith Spellman? We don't know what you are thinking, so we are hexing you.

Esteban: No one cares about your blog. Be forewarned. No one even believes you.

Federica: We have been hexing you for so long and no one has stopped us yet. Be forewarned.

Esteban: You have to be the dumbest person I have ever come across. Be forewarned.


3/19/2017

Esteban: Stupid bitch. We are not done hexing you yet. We are having fun with you so be forewarned, we are not done hexing you. We are having too much fun to stop hexing you. Stupid bitch! Be forewarned.

Esteban: No one believes you, so be forewarned.

Federica: You are having a mid-life crisis. Be forewarned.

When people say they have a deep respect for the religion of Santeria, are they just afraid of being hexed? I wish the religion of Santeria was more transparent in it's practices. Santeria is shrouded in secrecy. How do they get away with executing sacrifices and attempting voodoo? I can see praying and hoping for positive things but, not for revenge.

3/16/17

Federica: Stupid bitch. Yes, you are delusional. So be forewarned.

3/8/2017

I started taking Vraylar in the past few weeks. I am feeling much better. The frequency and intensity of the voices has diminished. Maybe I was just delusional. Maybe I imagined the whole thing.  Looking back it was almost comical. During stressful times, I envision myself getting sucked back in though. I have a feeling this is not over yet.

2/26/2017

Esteban: Popping a Xanax will not help you so be forewarned.

2/24/2017

Federica: Stupid bitch. Stupid bitch.  You're having a mid-life crisis. Be forewarned.


2/21/2017

Esteban: We are not done hexing you yet. Be forewarned

Federica: You are having a mid-life crisis. Be forewarned. I am not done hexing you yet.

Esteban agitates me by singing along badly and ruining every song I listen to on the radio:

"Got so much to lose, got so much to prove. God, don't let me lose my mind."

Esteban: Stupid bitch. We are not giving you anything to blog about. Be forewarned. You are having a mid-life crisis. I might be hexing you for the rest of your life. Be forewarned.

Federica: We hate you, so we are hexing you. Be forewarned.

2/14/16

Esteban: So what are you thinking of doing about Keith Spellman? Sloppy seconds. Sloppy seconds is not my style. Be forewarned. We hate you so we are not done hexing you yet. Be forewarned.

Federica: You really have no case against us. I can say whatever I want to you. Be forewarned.

January 25, 2017

Esteban: I am having a mid-life crisis. I am having a mid-life crisis. That's how you come across. Be forewarned.

1/13/2017

Esteban: We need to talk about something...amongst ourselves. We hate you so we are hexing you.

Federica: Federica hates you so be forewarned. We are not done hexing you yet! What are you thinking of doing about Keith Spellman?

Esteban: What are you thinking of doing...

Federica: I hate you so be forewarned.

Esteban: I hate you so be forewarned. We hate you so be forewarned... I am not helping you write a blog so be forewarned. You're having a hard time... with people who are hexing you.

Federica: We are conspiring against you, so be forewarned.