Warning: I am thinking too much

I am still filled with anger at the torture you have put me through.  I am taking to Trey, that guy from college who keeps “stalking” me, for lack of a better word. This is the story of a girl who graduated from UCSB and shortly after found herself in Carlsbad. I had recently been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, went on medication, and gained a ton of weight. I didn’t know anyone here and initially hated Carlsbad. The people seemed unfriendly and it felt like culture shock from LA, where I grew up. The surfers were territorial. I couldn’t even take a walk on the beach. I basically went into hiding at my parents house. I would get day drunk to pass the time. I thought I was being spyed on by this one shy guy from college that I liked and I would always bump into him, although it never resulted in much. Years go by and I developed a psychotic delusion that this man loved me and wanted to marry me. When nothing would come of his drive-bys, I grew restless and didn’t wait for him. When someone actually showed a little kindness to me in Carlsbad, I took advantage of the situation. I realized that I wanted to get married and start a family. So I did that with my one and only friend , at the time.  

I thought that marriage plus turning up the dosage of my medication would solve the problem. It didn’t. I still see Trey here and there. I don’t know why, as he posts photos of his happily married life in Santa Cruz, all over social media. In 2014, after having three kids, the teasing and torment, got the best of me. Every time that I left my house, I would see him and he looked so cute and interested in me that the delusion and hallucination told me that he came all this way for me because he loved me. He was here and he loved me and wanted to rescue me, somehow to a better life. Ultimately I left my husband, wonderful family, and big house for a hallucination that still hasn’t left his wife…and probably won’t. I probably shouldn’t be angry at the actual person. Who knows if he has any feelings or intentions for me anyway. I guess I am still confused.