I am watching the movie, Life of the Party, with Melissa McCarthy. She is so funny! The movie is about a middle-aged woman who copes with her divorce by going back to college. The thought crossed my mind, when I got a divorce, to go back to college. I did take a Latin Dance class at Mira Costa college, which was fun. I did not meet any young hotties, like in the movie. I am definately better off for not wasting my time in a May-December romance and reconciling with my husband instead. I enjoyed fantasizing about going back to college in this movie though. Party hearty!

Deanna: What am I doing? I am drinking alcohol on a racquetball court and yelling at old men. I mean, what am I going to do? Go get a studio apartment or start taking spin classes? Oh, God! I don’t want to start a blog. I don’t know how to do that.

Mental health memes

Just for laughs! I know that I should be mortified by these pictures. What a goofball I was in 1989 and I had a definite fixation with smoking. I am glad I eventually outgrew that.  Do you think my hair was long enough back then? Get a haircut hippie! 

This is a picture from 2006? Although I was taking my medication (Abilify), I think I was depressed here. I probably had a bit of postpartum depression. You know you are depressed when you can’t even get happy at the beach. I am blessed to have my three children! My firstborn pictured here, Olivia, loves the beach 🏖 too!

I grew up watching CBS Sunday Morning and am still obsessed with the last 30 seconds of every show. This is beauty!

I watched this video on YouTube and many of the commenters praised how "far out" it was. They began singing the praises of hallucinogens and marijuana. Sorry to be the buzzkill of anyone reading this, but legalizing psilocybin would not open the door to enlightenment. Any drug that triggers hallucinations (even marijuana) can trigger schizophrenia. None of these drugs should be legal. People who do not have schizophrenia and experiment with drugs are playing with fire. You don't want to have an uncontrolled hallucinations. You do not want schizophrenia. The hallucinations that I have, come out of the blue and scare me. They are vile and unpleasant. I am not brainwashed into thinking that drugs are bad. I know from experience that drugs are bad. I experimented with all of these things and blame them, in large part, for my mental illness. Consider yourself lucky that you don't have schizophrenia (yet,) because you are potentially one trip away. 

Well, check mate! My vanity/sink doesn't look anything like this though! ;)

Why do my videos about voodoo and Santeria keep disappearing? These religions truly are shrouded in secrecy!  Someone was brave enough to create a video which educates about the history of Haitian voodoo. Good night and sweet dreams!  

Here is a photo from my Christmas today, celebrating with my family. It was a low key day for the most part. I didn’t experience too much stress. So why would I start hearing angry voices upon returning home from Christmas? I have no idea but I did indeed hear voices.

Federica: You are having a midlife crisis so be forewarned. We hate you so we are hexing you. Be forewarned!

Esteban: Esteban is full of magic, so be forewarned!

This is a really cool idea for a Christmas gift to a neighbor. We found this in our mailbox today! Merry Christmas Eve! This tells me that at least one of our neighbors likes us.  This made me feel blessed. Unfortunately we did not win any money, but I appreciate the friendly sentiment from our mystery neighbor! Good Luck/Karma to you too!

I am horrified! I am a hermit already and now this.  This terrorist attack screams to me "never travel abroad!"  I am trapped by my own fears. I may never leave the United States again! This saddens me because traveling abroad helps open one's eyes to different cultures and experiences. I guess I will never be wordly. I never studied abroad and now may never travel abroad, due to my own fears.

God bless the two innocent Scandinavian women who just wanted to hike and have fantastic life experiences!


https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-6511367/Killers-two-Scandinavian-women-Morocco-sexually-motivated-three-arrested.html?ito=email_share_article-masthead

"Lasso the Moon," a romantic scene from It's a Wonderful Life

If only romance were this perfect...sweet with a touch of comedy! 

Of all the things that I am hearing, I don't hear Phil Collins. You would have to be high to notice that and I am not. LOL

Star Wars Bill Murray Lounge Act Song

Van down by the river

You'll be living in a van down by the river! This might have been me, had I gone to UC Santa Cruz. My first choice for college was UC Santa Cruz, but my parents forbade me from applying there. I already had hippie leanings and they didn't want to encourage that. I realized later that I probably would not have fit in there. I am not an uber-hippie and I just never felt connected to the hippies I met in college. I still have never been to Santa Cruz and have no plans to go there. I like forests like this, but I like living where I am at more. (San Diego) I closed the door on this over 20 years ago, and it is no longer a cute idea to live in a van. LOL

Merry Christmas! :)

I have to admit that I respect Frida Kahlo for this reason, she sported a mustache. Every time I think of her, the first thing that comes to mind, is her mustache. I have always felt a kinship to Frida. I am genetically predisposed to facial hair, like Frida. However, I am not as brave as her. After discovering Nair and laser hair removal, I no longer bare what I always considered to be my Italian curse. 

Frida rocked her mustache though! God bless her and her brilliant artwork!

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/angelica-sereda/the-beautiful-mustachioed-woman-how-frida-kahlo-inspired-me-to-accept-my-flaws_b_7667608.html

My son was bouncing to this song at Get Air yesterday! :)

When someone tells me that my drinking is an unhealthy coping mechanism...

 LOL Relax, it's just a meme.

Today I drove out to Temecula, with my son, for a friend's birthday party. It was a long drive, but the party was relatively stress-free. I think the long drive got to me, because I started hearing voices on the way home.

Leigh: You are having a midlife crisis, so be forewarned. No! We hate you, so we are hexing you! Be forewarned.

Esteban: Stupid bitch!

Esteban: (Singing along to the music on the radio)

"That's all you wanted
Something special, something sacred
In your life
Just for one moment
To be warm and naked
At my side

Sometimes I think that you'll never understand me
But something tells me
We'd be happy, oh oh..."

For such a macho seeming guy, Esteban basically sings along to any song or artist, including George Michael.

Leigh: Wait until I get my hands on you! You'll wish that you never messed with Keith Spellman! Just wait until I get my hands on YOU!

Who is Jordan Peterson and who cares what he has to say about schizophrenia? Today, people on the website that I frequent for SZA knowledge and support were discussing Jordan Peterson. I have honestly never heard of him before now. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jordan_Peterson

This video clip of Jordan Peterson discusses schizophrenia and involuntary eye movements. I just asked my husband if I make strange eye movements and he gave me a resounding "Yes!" First of all, my eye rolling is voluntary!

This is the first that I have ever heard of people with SZ/SZA making abnormal eye movements. How would I ever know that I do that, unless someone told me? I do not have the ability to look into my own eyes. No one ever told me that I do that until today.

What are saccadic eye movements? Click on the link below to find out!

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3783508/

***I just looked into the mirror and didn't see any involuntary or strange eye movements. I kind of think Jordan Peterson is a crock. I am not looking for a guru to follow anyway.

I left my heart in San Francisco!


https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/southwest-airlines-flight-turns-around-crew-members-discover-human-heart-onboard-145248613.html?.tsrc=fauxdal&fbclid=IwAR2uPG9X2820sAbkAi0Bw79XrRaX8atGlQVjcbBGGpsdV-73sjs2YGPI2D0

So, the weekend kicks off tomorrow... Don't Drink & Drive. Watch Reno 911!

I can't get over these music videos from the 1980's. They were pretty terrible. LOL But you can really feel his heartbreak in this song! (I am not wallowing in depression or anything.) I still love OMD and would totally go see them in concert today!

Invest Your Energy | Dandapani | Goalcast

What is Electric Catnip? I sat through this entire video and found it VERY RELAXING! Enjoy!

Yes, this song is a tear jerker! I can’t believe the heartbreaker in the video is a woman with dark, curly hair. We are usually cast as the “unlucky in love” woman or the “stuck in the friend zone” woman. George Michael is still awesome. He was a great singer/performer and I love hearing this song every Christmas!

LOL (It's true though)

Sade - Kiss of Life (Live Video from San Diego)

I am feeling festive and getting into the spirit of things!  Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! This is our Christmas 🎄 this year!

In case you didn't know who Dani California really is...this song is basically an homage to moi. Yes...me!

Surprise! Here I am!! The Dani California!

 

(Sorry, these are jokes, folks. This is a delusion of mine but I know that is all it is...a silly delusion.)

Heal Your Heart

On the therapy website I frequently visit, we were discussing fixating on people this evening.  Other SZ/SZA individuals were sharing stories similar to mine, which was comforting. Although I can't help but worry that some of these people I was sharing with are not really schizophrenic or stalkers trying to embarass me. Sharing details of your personal life story and illness, with a support group, can be challenging. It conjurs up my paranoia about the intentions of the people that I am sharing with.

So anyhow, one member recommended this book/method to mending a broken heart and ending the fixation on your ex/crush. It is called "The Tapping Solution: Heal Your Heart." I might have to check this out. Please see the link below for more information.

https://www.thetappingsolution.com/healyourheart/

We noted tonight how difficult it is to get over your fixation when you keep hallucinating seeing them. My medication does not help with this. My therapist and I have not begun trying to curb my fixation through therapy. I believe it is mostly harmless and not overly consuming of my life, so working on this is not a priority.

Meanwhile, here I am dedicating songs and serenading the fixation, who "doesn't know I exist," according to the voices in my head.

"You live inside me."-Toni Braxton

I love Justin Timberlake for the romance, however, he needs to bring back the blond 'fro! Remember in the 1990's when he was rocking a huge curly blond 'fro? I loved it! What happened to it?

I don’t know if I give off good vibes but I 💕 receiving good vibes. (Hence the sweatshirt) LOL  I kind of walk around with resting bitch face. I admittedly need to work on that. Keep smiling!!

This holiday season has started off with rain 🌧 and me attempting to get to the gym regularly. They say that during a time of indulgence, such as the holidays, it is best to temper that indulgence with good workouts. I believe that these workouts will help get me through the holidays and keep my weight from skyrocketing.

I thought of this movie gem from the 1980s, which inspired me to get physically fit, in my childhood. Who could forget the classic movie Perfect with Jamie Lee Curtis and John Travolta? I want to share this inspirational fitness movie with the world 🌎!

See link below for more funny and inspirational workout scenes from the movie Perfect !

I just now flashed back to the summer of 2018. It was hot. One day I was driving around Encinitas and I came to a stoplight. I had my windows rolled down. The guy in the car next to me also had his windows rolled down. I was blasting Skidrow. The guy in the car next to me promptly rolled up his windows. If I could read his mind, he was thinking, "There is no way I am listening to this shit!"

Oh well! Here I go again...

I Remember (inaccurately) You! It's more like, I remember a few things, I invented a few things, I hallucinate a few things, and so much more!

And off to sleep I go...

Yeah, I know. Visions are seldom all they seem. Blah blah blah

That one weird friend

Stevie knows! Superstition really isn't the way! I am very superstitious. That might be my problem. "If you believe in things that you don't understand, then you suffer. Superstition ain't the way!"

I love this song! I heard this song today, and it rang a bell with me. The Rainbow Connection speaks about hearing voices. 

Maybe my voices have more to do with rainbows and goodness, than evil or mental illness. I wish my voices were pretty and sweet, like rainbows.

Not to get all hippie on you, but everyone loves rainbows. This connects us all. The Rainbow Connection is a great song and a tearjerker for me. (every time) LOL

Why are there so many songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side
Rainbows are visions
But only illusions
And rainbows have nothing to hide

So we've been told
And some choose to believe it
I know they're wrong, wait and see
Some day we'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers, and me

Who said that every wish
Would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star
Somebody thought of that
And someone believed it
And look what it's done so far

What's so amazing
That keeps us stargazing
And what do we think we might see
Someday we'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers, and me

All of us under its spell, we know that it's probably magic

Have you been half asleep?
And have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name
Is this the sweet sound
That called the young sailors?
The voice might be one and the same

I've heard it too many times to ignore it
It's something that I'm supposed to be
Someday we'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me

Feminist Info

{Song of the day} I heard this song on the way to the grocery store and it rang a bell with me. "Was it something that he said, are the voices in your head calling Gloria?" This is yet another song with mental illness overtones & theme. Well, on that note, enjoy!

I just looked up this singer, Laura Branigan, on Wikipedia. She died in 2004, at the age of 52, of a brain aneurysm. Note to self: If you have a persistent headache that lasts more than 24 hours, see a doctor. (My mother suffered a brain aneursym too)

LOL

 I am honestly a little jealous of this woman. She sounds like she is living her best life!

Spider video anyone? I am obsessed with spider-hunting in my backyard

Keep it Complex: New Study Shows that Previous Research Oversimplified Schizophrenia Symptoms

The article below discusses many things, including various negative symptoms of schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder. The article also explains the difference between positive symptoms and negative symptoms. Check it out!



Keep it Complex: New Study Shows that Previous Research Oversimplified Schizophrenia Symptoms: Negative symptoms in schizophrenia can be so disabling that they interfere with a person’s ability to attend school, begin a fulfilling career, and even live independently.

In a recent study published by JAMA Psychiatry, UNLV psychology professor Daniel Allen and colleagues suggest a new way to classify the negative symptoms of schizophrenia, which may influence research and treatment in years to come.



I often wonder what my negative symptoms of schizoaffective disorder are. Do I have any? My psychiatrist has never diagnosed me with any negative symptoms,  so it is up to me to figure out for myself. I don't think I have any debilitating negative symptoms. I have a pretty awesome life, I think, for the most part. I do struggle with lack of motivation and the inability to experience extreme highs. My medication regulates my mood and keeps me pretty mellow. (I am grateful for that though.)

Today I had my second procedure in 2 years for Basal Cell Carcinoma. Wear sunscreen my friends!

When I first started my blog in 2014, I was honestly venting and trying to get help from the people that I believed were persecuting me. My blog will always have hints of that, as my delusions will probably never fully escape me. However my blog has grown into so much more than that. I have a quest for knowledge about my condition that I love to share with whomever is interested. I have become more of a mental health advocate, trying to increase understanding about my mental illness of schizoaffective disorder. I hope that I am helping the cause, although sometimes I wonder whether I am hurting or helping. I try to infuse a bit of humor into my blog, because I have a sense of humor and because I am much more than my mental illness. 

I am bragging today about the pageviews I have received across the globe. Some pageviews may be inadvertent, but I get the sense that people worldwide are interested in what I have to say, which is very flattering. Will this translate into book sales and beyond? I hope so! Here is a screenshot of the countries in which I have received the highest number of pageviews. Thank you Google readers for reading my blog and for leaving mostly positive comments and feedback. It is much appreciated. Come back anytime!

Today I was reminded just how rare my condition of schizoaffective disorder is. I went to Walmart to pick up my antipsychotic medication, Vraylar. I had gotten an automated text teliing me that it was time to refill, so I refilled my prescription. Then I got a text stating that my medication was ready for pickup. When I got to the Walmart pharmacy, the man behind the counter told me that there was a mix-up and my prescription was not ready. Rather it would be ready Tuesday afternoon. Fortunately, I have enough medication to cover the time. The clerk also reminded me that I have a VERY RARE condition. No other costumer at this particular Walmart takes this prescription but me, so Walmart does not keep Vraylar in stock. The Vraylar is special ordered for me, every time. 

Vraylar is a newer medication that helps Bipolar and Schizophrenic/Schizoaffective people. So that tells me that there are possibly no other people living with mental illness at Walmart, besides me? That can't be true. Vraylar is still very expensive, so many people may not be able to afford it. I have a prescription discount card for Vraylar, which is the only reason I can afford it. 

"Schizoaffective disorder is a chronic mental illness that affects between 2 and 5 people out of every 1,000 people. Its symptoms are a bit more common in women, and usually begin in early adulthood."

"Worldwide about 1 percent of the population is diagnosed with schizophrenia, and approximately 1.2% of Americans (3.2 million) have the disorder. About 1.5 million people will be diagnosed with schizophrenia this year around the world."

***On the way out of the Walmart shopping center, I thought I saw Esteban driving in and  laughing at me. Groan!

More photos from my daughter, nature photographer in Carlsbad, CA.

Over the years, I have realized the stress of the holidays usually takes it's toll on me.  I have to drive in traffic for roughly 45-60 miles to Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. My children's behavior at my relative's houses can stress me out too. This Thanksgiving, I did not particularly feel included socially, so that sucked. To drive so far and be ignored is enough to trigger voices, especially when everyone around you is talking and laughing. I took a Xanax for the ride there which helped. But towards then end of Thanksgiving, I slowly started hearing voices. When I was asked to drive home, the voices escalated. Perhaps I should have declined driving home. My passivity got the best of me, knowing that my husband really did not want to drive. Here is how the drive home went:

Esteban: Be forewarned. We hate you, so we are hexing you.

Federica: We are keeping tabs on you, so we are still hexing you. Be forewarned. We are going to hex you for the rest of your life. Be forewarned. You are having a mid-life crisis. Be forewarned. So, what are you thinking of doing about Keith Spellman?

Esteban: (while I am driving) There is a Mexican trailing you. Be forewarned. There is a Mexican behind you. You dusted him. Be forewarned. (While I read the signs passing by) San Onofre State Beach is not hexing you! We are hexing you! She thinks that Stephen is the reason that she is hearing voices. Be forewarned. You know what you did. Be forewarned. That is the reason we are hexing you. We are going to hex you for the rest of your life. So be forewarned.

Cam you believe the rug in Esteban's house? Sick!

Ok this has nothing to do with mental illness. I am trying to make you laugh! "Do Australian housewives have a dull or exciting life?" Check out this retro ABC News video! Wait for the last interview! To use retro terminology. he is what they would have called a "cad."  LOL 

I might be delusional, but I get the feeling there are a lot of men out there who would love to make a housewife's life more exciting. They are the ones to watch out for!

Happy Thanksgiving! Fortunately, this is the week of Thanksgiving and not Groundhog Day.

https://www.mnn.com/lifestyle/arts-culture/stories/quotes-groundhog-day

 Nature walk with my daughter! Very good for the soul and very therapeutic!

                                      My nature-loving daughter is a chip off the old block!

Is it hip to be crazy? Nike just created a new, hip, controversial, ad campaign entitled, "Dream Crazy." You can have my crazy dreams & nightmares. I am trying to get rid of them! Tons of musicians sing about mental illness and claim to be "crazy." More and more actors admit to it. Are some of them faking it? I do not understand why they would. I do not want for anyone to find my mental illness "cool." I do want people to think I am a cool individual despite that though.

 "Mental illness may look cool or glamorous from the outside, but when you’re trapped inside it, it’s the least glamorous thing you could ever imagine."- Schizophrenia.com

I found this rock in Santa Cruz! (no, not really) Hippie jokes anyone?

                                                                             
                                                         
                                                                   

I found this article about the causes of Schizophrenia and it checked off every box with me. "Yes, I had a stress-filled childhood, a bad drug trip in college, and of course faulty genes." 

1. I never knew, as a child, that my great-grandfather died in a mental hospital. No one ever knew for sure what mental illness he was diagnosed with, or why he was committed. (other than for an out-of-control temper) So my mental illness genes were always there. However, I never knew about it, so that knowledge did not help me. 

2. My childhood experience involved a bit of bullying from classmates and stress at home, as well. I came from a household where there were some physical altercations, 99% of which I escaped, but still witnessed. I have a tremendous amount of guilt for receiving the lionshare of positive attention from my parents. I also felt helpless when my siblings got roughed up. I grew up to be very passive, as a result of that. My mother never understood why I have always been so passive and shy. My childhood and upbringing has a lot to do with it. I remember my Mom tried to help me out later in life, by signing me up for an Assertiveness Training Class, at Santa Monica College. I ended up ditching the class and never got the help I needed with that.

3. I know that I sound like a broken record, but had I known about marijuana and other drugs possibly triggering schizophrenia, I would have never have traveled down that road. Having mental illness in my family was never discussed. I was completely ignorant, in my adolescence, to the dangers of marijuana and the other drugs I progressed to experimenting with. I want to spread the message that marijuana is not a harmless, cure-all drug. There are some dangers to it's users, especially to adolescent users, whose brains are still developing.

https://theconversation.com/what-causes-schizophrenia-what-we-know-dont-know-and-suspect-102651

Happy Veteran's Day! This is a photo of my father when he served in the Navy! He enlisted voluntarily and is proud to have served. My son and I are visiting the Midway, on a school field trip, this Thursday. I am so happy that the Midway museum now has elevators and handicapped access for everyone (especially our special needs children) to learn about and experience the Midway Magic! 

 #Livinitup #Meandmymanonayacht #Ohyeah

#onedayIamgoingotoThailand :)

This is the story of my life! Why does this keep happening to me? LOL

If you are having a bad day, watch this video! (Click on the link below to watch video on Facebook)



https://www.facebook.com/asiancrush.tv/videos/1780330258656500/?t=0

Nothing says "middle aged" and also "mom" like having fun at the grocery store, on a Wednesday night. #Feel good song of the day! Seriously, they play really good music at Vons! This is a great song, which captured my emotion tonight! Love Annie Lennox! :)

There Must Be an Angel (Playing with My Heart)

Eurythmics

No one on earth could feel like this
I'm thrown and overflown with bliss
There must be an angel
Playing with my heart

I walk into an empty room
And suddenly my heart goes boom
It's an orchestra of angels
And they're playing with my heart
(Must be talking to an angel)

No one on earth could feel like this
I'm thrown and overflown with bliss
There must be an angel
Playing with my heart

And when I think that I'm alone
It seems there's more of us at home
It's a multitude of angels
And they're playing with my heart

I must be hallucinating
Watching angels celebrating
Could this be reactivating
All my senses dislocating
This must be a strange deception
By celestial intervention
Leavin' me the recollection
Of your heavenly connection

I walk into an empty room
And suddenly my heart goes boom
It's an orchestra of angels
And they're playing with my heart

Songwriters: Annie Lennox / David Allan Stewart

There Must Be an Angel (Playing with My Heart) lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group

Female internal voice: I am slightly stupid too!

I was trying to relax today (on election day) by listening to chill, relaxing music and my female internal voice actually cracked a joke!? Maybe it was intended to offend me, maybe not. I really do not care. I enjoy listening to Slightly Stoopid, and although this band sings about weed, it does not trigger me to smoke pot. This is great music though.

Like I have said before, people with SZ/SZA can't have any fun. We cannot smoke pot, or it could trigger psychosis. We can't even think about weed. I still drink in small doses and I refuse to give up listening to music, however edgy it may be.

***I only listen to this particular band in private though, because they sing about marijuana and I do not want my kids to hear and be influenced by it. #ADULTING :)

Do I have the "Life of Reilly," as a mentally ill person?

An acquaintance I know lamented today.

Her partner remarked, that as a mentally ill person, she has the "Life of Reilly."

"I can eat when I want and sleep when I want

don’t have to work, and sit on the internet all day

That is just not true

I don’t even have a life or anywhere to go

And I’m stuck with mental illness and other strange brews

I’d gladly switch places with him."

Some partners, who do not have mental illness, really struggle to say supportive things to their partners. I guess, it is trickier, with a mentally ill partner, because you need to try harder not to offend us or to try to understand something that you are not experiencing yourself.

The same has been said about housewives, that we have the Life of Reilly. That we just sit around and watch soap operas all day. Staying home with my special needs children has it's challenges too! 

I have heard this expression before, but had to research it more, to see if I really did have the life of Reilly. The phrase has an colorful history and Irish origin.

https://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/the-life-of-riley.html


There was a ballad, printed in 1899, which recounts the story of Willy Reilly running away with his hieress lover, only to be caught and tried for abduction, eventually finding freedom and riches in his lover's arms - truly the life of Reilly.

Yup, that sounds exactly like me...and then I woke up! :)


***On a side note, we had a fairly relaxing Halloween, with no trick-or-treaters. 

***I also found out yesterday that I have Basal Cell Carcinoma on my left arm. Yikes! I guess this life of Reilly will be cut short if I don't start wearing sunscreen!